Persuasive

fifty-eight

My Diary
June 3, 1943.
One month after war.

It's almost like I still feel like i'm in a dream. Like what happened isn't real.

When I hear your name, or look at old polaroids of us, it pains me to the point where I can feel my chest eating at me.
I can feel my heart aching in this intolerable pain when I think about you, lying there helplessly on the stone cold floor catching your last breaths, as I tried catching mine.

You may not know it Avalon but you were my everything.
You were my yellow, brightening every single one of my days with that heart of yours, while I was your black. Eternal darkness and misery.

I pushed you away, every single day for five years. I even left you a couple times because I couldn't bare the thought of being in love.
But I was so in love.
I still am.

I am so deeply in love with everything about you.
The way you grind your teeth when you're concentrated on something, or the way your eyes light up when you talk about something you love.
Like the rain perhaps.

I'm sitting in the rain right now, by our lake. Don't you remember?
The lake where we swam underneath the stars and talked for hours.

Carl and Perla came by to give me a visit, wondering where you are. They can feel your absence, they can feel the emptiness right through me.
Don't you remember them, Avalon? Our little duck friends we met when the lake was frozen, and I clinged onto your hand for dear life.
Carl and Perla miss you.

I miss you, Avalon.

I wish I could rewind, tell you every single day how much I adore and love you.
But instead I'm sitting here with regret and misery eating up at me, because I never got the chance to tell you I love you.

But I do, Avalon.

I love you so very much.

And just for you, I didn't kill Harry Potter. Because it was you who reminded me that I was no killer, it was you who showed me how good I truly am.
I wish there was a proper way to thank you.

Right before I came down here to this lake, I apparated back to New York and ran through the city, pretending you were there right beside me. Memories flooded through my head of us bolting through, feeling the chilling wind brush against our skin as we made our way through the city.

I took a visit down to the ice cream shop we ate at.
Don't you remember?
We pretended to get married and gave ourselves fake names, tricking all the muggles around us.

I really did wish that one day, that act would turn into reality. I would be able to claim you as mine forever.
My breathtaking, astonishing wife.

But you had to disappear so soon.
Because of me, because of my ill-considered war you were gone too soon.

And I will never get to take those precious moments back.
Of feeling your arms around me or your lips against mine.
I will never get to hold you ever again, or dance with you at the astronomy tower.
I will never get to see that lovely smile again.

I want to check up on Draco, on your family, see how they're doing.
But I know they won't be able to see my face, after this war I've caused.
This war that caused you to get killed.

I know you wouldn't want me to be saddened, or feel regret.
So i'm going to try my best to find happiness again for you.
Just for you.

Because you are my happiness, Avalon. You always will be.

And I hope you're somewhere by me, smiling down at me.

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