scars || njh

18

Bella's POV:

Niall and I ordered food from a ton of different places, knowing his appetite it seemed like we needed more. He decided it would be safer if we just ordered the food on some website called 'Post Mates' instead of going out in public. He made me answer the door for the delivery just in case. I never expected it to be so difficult to do such simple things when you're famous.

We got burgers from a place called 'In and Out' and burritos from another place called 'Chipotle' and we also decided to get dessert from the 'The Cheesecake Factory'. Their cheesecake better be good seeing as their whole name is based on it.

It was so fun getting to be all nostalgic with Niall before I had to check in to the "metal institution" or as I like to call it, the loony bin. I feel like I don't need to go anymore but my doctor said they needed to make sure I was in a better state, I'm not really sure why they care so much though. Probably because they're getting paid.

We had fallen asleep on the couch (though I didn't mind since his couch was about a thousand times comfier than my bed back in Ireland) laughing and watching the One Direction movie "This is Us", of course Niall had picked that movie to watch. I scooted closer to Niall and buried my head deep into his chest; he protectively wrapped his arm tighter around my shoulders.

I didn't want to leave this, leave us. One of us had already left before and now that I had just gotten him back and moved on to a new life my stupid mistakes and drastic decisions still punished me. I had no one to blame but myself.

Thinking I could escape  from it all and play with angels instead of facing life. That fantasy had put me in this situation. I had my one friend, the one person I trusted taken from me only to be stupid and give up once I got him back. Now, I was being torn from him.

What if while I was away he realized this is all too much for him? What if he didn't want me? Maybe instead he wanted someone who could be normal for him, be strong for him. Someone who wasn't covered in scars and who didn't have the body of a young child. Plenty of gorgeous girls who were full of life threw themselves his way so why would he pick me to care for?

I was so afraid; afraid he would lose interest in me too quickly, afraid he would look at me like a burden as the rest of world did, but above all I was afraid he wouldn't love me. I just wanted to be beautiful and perfect for him so he would have no reason to doubt his feelings but I wasn't perfect and I wasn't beautiful. 

I wasn't sexy, or smart, or funny, or full of life and passion. I wasn't 'perfectly imperfect' or 'beautiful in my own way'. I was honestly just me, which was mediocre.

And I was so afraid that one day Niall would realize that.

"Hey what's wrong?" Niall asked drowsily sitting up and looking at my face to read my expression.

"Nothing" I lied. "I'm just... I just never want this to end" he sat up to look more in-depthly at my face.

"It doesn't have to, we're together and that's all that matters"

"Not long before they throw me in an institution again" I said bitterly. He laughed quietly while shaking his head.

"You'll only be there for a couple weeks, and then we can do whatever we want. Heck, the second you're out of there we can go to Disney Land if you feel like it", I laughed at that. 

It felt so good to have someone only think about what would make you happy. I snuggled my way closer to him; I think if I got any closer I might just break through his chest. 

We sat there silent for a moment, him holding me gently while I held on to him for dear life, scared that if I let go even a little bit I would be pulled under a wave of darkness once again.

"Not that I ever want to let go but its 10:00 A.M maybe we should get ready" he said tilting my head up. I took a deep breath and stood from the couch. I had slept in my clothes from yesterday so I felt a little uncomfortable.

I went upstairs and showered using the expensive salon brand shampoos and conditioners left for me in my bathroom, that's right, my own bathroom. I had shared things with dozens of other kids for so long I forgot what I was like to have something of my own. The quality products left my hair feeling smooth and sleek unlike the bar soaps I had always used on my hair before.

I dressed in a comfortable outfit of black sweats, a gray crewneck sweater that was slightly cropped, white vans, and I just pulled my hair into a ponytail. I didn't bother with makeup. 

I wanted these next couple of weeks to go by as quickly as possible, then maybe when I was done I could forget them.

When I was all ready I headed down stairs, taking one last peek at the room that would be waiting for me to get back. Niall was already by door. 

"Only you could make sweatpants and a sweater look gorgeous" he said to me and winked.

"Niall Horan are you flirting with me?" I asked sounding fake disgusted. 

"Maybe so" he said with a sly grin. 

He gave me a huge bear hug and a kiss on the forehead. I wrapped by arms around his torso and buried by head in his chest, trying to savor the feeling.

"I love you" he said as I opened the door. I turned around and looked him in his crystal blue eyes.

"And I love you". I can get through this, I thought to myself as I walked towards the black SUV already waiting for me.

I can get through this.

I climbed in the tall car dreading every second. I looked back at Niall through the car's heavily tinted windows and even though he couldn't see me I waved goodbye.

The car hummed as it began to move down the road, farther from the one person I needed in the world. I can do this, not just for me, but for us.