I storm out of my room, holding the box in my hands, desperately trying to hold myself together.
"Vanessa! Stop!" Steve's voice booms from behind me. I can feel myself about to break down and I take a deep, shaky breath and turn back to face him.
"Why not?! Why can't I care about you?!" I can sense a slight bit of hurt in his voice as he walks towards me, causing my eyes to well up with tears.
"Because everyone who cares gets hurt! And no matter how hard I try to protect them I can't!" I yelled back at Steve. I could feel a tear trickle down my cheek. At my words, Steve's eyes met mine. I could see the surprise and concern on his face. We stood there for a few seconds, holding intense eye contact before I finally said something.
"I can't hurt any more people, Steve. I can't let anyone care about me, because they get hurt and it's all my fault. So it's better for all of us if you just don't." I start to pull myself together, wiping my tears, and taking a deep, shaky breath. Steve steps closer to me, I look away from him, avoiding eye contact.
"Vanessa..." Steve gently starts, grabbing the box out of my hands and placing it on the ground. He grabs my hand, I still can't look at him, fearing once I do I won't be able to hold myself together. "...everyone deserves to have someone who cares about them. Even if it hurts. Even you." I slowly shake my head. I want to believe his words...but I don't know-how. How could I? How could it be worth it to care for someone so much if you are just going to get hurt? I'm not worth caring about.
"Why? Why do you care so much?" I ask, demandingly, finally looking at him. I look at his eyes, searching mine with desperation like he was deciding what to do.
He deeply exhales. Before I could ask again he lets go of my hand and places both his hands on my face, looking deeply into my eyes before he leans in. I close my eyes and feel his lips meet mine with desperation. He kisses me deep and passionately, yet gentle and with a care that made me feel safe for the few seconds, it lasted.
We both pulled away. Steve looked at me with a slight smile, waiting for my response. I looked back at him still stunned but with a hint of happiness. But that happiness soon faded as I remembered how my last relationship ended. I realize how much I care about him, and I know I can't do this to him. I sigh.
"I-I can't do this to you." Before he could object I grab my box off the ground and run down the hallway in tears.
As I turn the corner into another hallway I stop running and proceed to walk, wondering where I should go. The only place I could think of or rather a person was Nat. I followed the hallway to her room and didn't bother knocking, I just walked in still in tears.
Nat looks up from her book and her eyebrows scrunch in concern once she sees my state.
"Hey, hey, what happened? Talk to me." Nat comforts me as she gets off her bed and leads me to her bed next to her. I set the box on the ground and slump onto the bed, grabbing a pillow, holding it tight.
"I-I" I stutter, struggling to form a sentence in between sobs. Nat hands me a kleenex box and I take it. She scooches closer to me and holds my shoulders as I contain myself enough to finally talk. I take a deep breath, preparing to tell her what I've told almost no one.
"It's-it's Steve." I start.
"Oh my god, what did he do? You know what doesn't matter, I'll go beat his ass right now." Nat starts to get up but I grab her arm and pull her back. I let out a little laugh at her reaction.
"NO, it's not him. He did nothing. He's nice and sweet and caring and he cares about me." I say, sadness filling my eyes.
"Then what happened?" Nat asks, trying to understand why I'm breaking down. I take another deep, shuddery breath.
"It's-it's me. He-he kissed me and I kissed him back." I try to wipe my tears with my shirt.
"Well, then why are you crying?" Nat asks, confused.
"Be-because I like him too! I like him a lot! But I can't be with him! I can't do that to him!" I say as I start to sob harder. Nat rubs my back in an attempt to comfort me. It barely helps, but I appreciate it.
"Honey, what do you mean, you can't do that to him?" She asks. I bend down and retrieve the box holding my old uniform. I plop it onto the bed and open it up. Am I sure I can trust her with this? I have a strong suspicion she is like me so hopefully, I can trust her.
I hastily pull out my belt with the red emblem of the black widow and show it to her. As she gazes at my belt in shock I pull out the rest of my uniform. I unfold the sleek, jet black uniform and place it on the bed for her to see. I hold my head in my hands and sob in shame as she takes in this information.
"Hey, hey, it's ok. I get it. I understand." I look up at Nat, not sure if I heard her right.
"What do you mean, you get it?" I ask. Nat takes a deep breath.
"I'm one too...I was raised in the Red Room. I know how it can haunt you, how it can make you feel like you don't deserve happiness." She replies. This makes sense now, the similar fighting technique, even the way she walks is familiar, now I know why.
"How did you get out?" she asks. I look down, unsure if I should tell her the rest of my story.
"I um...before the graduation HYDRA infiltrated our facility and took me and three other girls. They wanted to make their soldiers with prior skills like ours." I explain. I start to calm down and I take a deep breath before continuing, "After we were taken we were tested on and injected with a serum. One of the other girls was my friend Emily. The other two girls were just girls we knew from the Red Room. After the serum was injected one of the girls didn't make it. Only three of us were left. The serum gave the three of us powers, special abilities. My friend was given shapeshifting, the other girl got enhanced strength, and I was given a form of mind control. All the scientists considered me the strongest of the three and therefore lucky. I didn't feel lucky. I was expected to do the most and I was disciplined the harshest." Nat listens intently to my story. I continue, "The three of us girls always went on a mission together and with no one else. One mission I messed up and let the target escape. HYDRA wasn't happy. As punishment, they forced me to execute one of their prisoners. I did it but as the body dropped to the ground it shapeshifted back into my friend's form. They made me kill my best friend." I have to stop as I start to cry again.
"I'm so sorry...that is horrible. You don't have to tell me all of it right now. It's ok just let it out." Nat comforted me as I cried into her shirt.
After a few minutes, I pull myself together enough to get back to the point.
"So eventually I escaped and now I have the Red Room and HYDRA after me. I can't put Steve as their number one target. I care about him too much to see him get hurt all because of me. I-I just don't want to lose him."
***This was a long part, hope you enjoyed!***-Author
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Damaged Goods
Fanfiction"I'll always remember you." Vanessa has been on the run from the Red Room academy ever since she was taken by hydra right before her graduation. With both organizations after her, she has been living a nomad's life, constantly moving. The fear that...
