you really got a hold on me | john lennon

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

August 30, 1959

"This is it. This bloody headache is going to be the death of me." John announced for the hundredth time since he had woken up.

All three of us were in the living room now, though we were all feeling awfully haggard. I, for one, was still drained from the events of this morning - both physically and mentally. From having a bloodied up John turns up at my doorstep at four in the morning to that spat with Paul, I think it was safe to say that it was one of the more eventful moments of my life.

George rolled his eyes and took a long drag of his ciggy. "Stop being so dramatic, John. You'll live."

I smile at them both before I remember what I had said to myself earlier this morning. To distance myself from John for his own sake. Just the thought of it made me feel like more life was getting sucked out of me by the minute.

John looked at me with a furrowed brow. "Nat, you doing alright? You're being awfully quiet."

"I'm fine, don't worry about it."

"You don't look fine, Nat. Looks like you just saw a ghost."

"I said I'm fine, John! Fuck, leave me alone." I storm off into the kitchen, away from the boys. I didn't mean to yell at him - it just came out, y'know?

Biting my tongue, I try not to let any tears come out. Having George or John walking in on me sobbing my brains out wouldn't make any of this any easier. Suddenly, I hear someone walk into the kitchen - who was probably John - so I immediately face the other direction and try to calm myself down.

"Natalie? Hey, I'm sorry. Shouldn't have done that'."

"You're alright, John."

"Did I do anything wrong?" He asked in a soft tone.

"No, no, 'course not."

I felt an instant wave of guilt wash over me. This wasn't even John's fault, but here I was about to punish him for it. Something in me was screaming to stop - but knowing John and Paul, if I didn't do this they would probably be fighting every other day.

His hand made its way into mine, holding it tight, catching me off-guard. John grabbing my hand put me to some sort of ease that I had never felt before with anyone else.

I turn to face him and see his gentle gaze looking me up and down. The both of us start to lean in slowly, John's arms snaking around my waist. I wanted this as much as he did - but this was wrong. One way or another, I was still with Paul and I couldn't do this to him, no matter how much it hurt to pull away.

"John, we can't."

His once gentle look suddenly hardened. "Why the fuck not?"

"How small is your brain, Lennon? It's different now, I'm with Paul and you're with Cyn!"

"This wasn't a problem for you when Paul was when Dot, though." John's arms fell from my waist as he stepped away from me. "How did I actually trick myself into thinking you actually loved me back? God, I'm such an idiot for actually believing that!"

"I still love you-"

"Just not in the way I do, yeah."

"You have got to understand, John."

"Yeah, yeah, I do. I wouldn't want to date myself either if I had gotten the chance."

"John, that's not what I meant," I try to reach for his hands, but he snatches them away from me before I got the chance.

I put my hands on his face, trying to get him to look me in the eyes. Instead, he just takes my hands off with his. My heart felt heavy as I saw this more vulnerable side of him that he rarely showed off to anyone.

We both just stand there, until he says, "I guess I should get going. Wouldn't want to upset Paul now would I?" There was some bitterness in his tone nearing the end.

"John-"

Before I could finish, John then left the kitchen without saying goodbye, leaving me here in the kitchen alone. I could hear George trying to ask John what had happened, shortly followed by the door slamming. Aware that he had gone, I immediately slumped onto the ground, a sob escaping from my lips.

It felt as if I had lost anything I had with John as soon as he had left the kitchen. And I probably did. Every part of me felt compelled to go to him, but something was holding me back from doing so. Maybe it was the daunting thought of how Paul or Cyn would react, or how much it would affect Paul and John's friendship.

"Nat, what the fuck went on in here? John just stormed out." George's eyes were wandering all over the kitchen until he saw me sitting on the ground. "Hey, hey. Are you okay?"

"I messed up, Geo," Tears were streaming down my cheeks steadily now. "I messed up, really bad."

"You're okay, Nat. It's alright."

But I was not one bit alright, far from it. When John left through that door, I felt as if a part of me had left too. He was one of the people that understood me in a way that others couldn't. And I had lost him.

What had I just done?

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a/n: hiii! you may or may not have noticed this chapter is a little bit shorter than usual. i had to do this because i didn't want it to be too watered down. hopefully, you all still liked it though! see you all next week! <333