you really got a hold on me | john lennon

CHAPTER FORTY NINE

December 10th, 1960

Despite all that had already happened between John and I—and for the other boys as well— through the span of that horrible excuse for a day, it seemed that the universe wasn't done with all of its damn tragedies coming our way just yet. After both Pete and Paul had been deported almost two weeks ago, the immigration police here had started cranking down on the other people who came here without a viable visa or what-not. I wouldn't be surprised if Bruno's bitter self was the one who was turning us in one by one after losing one of his top band's residencies.

I had been trying to be extra careful running around town to get to work as long as it was remotely possible, until a few days ago. John and I had both decided that after a long few months here in Hamburg...it was time to go home back in Liverpool.

To an extent, we both were quite homesick and longing for the gloomy skies of Liverpool—so it was only fitting for us to go back. Though I'm sure if we had the choice to stay in Hamburg without fear any longer we would've taken it. But conditions were getting worse and worse with each passing day...and John had resorted to playing with another Liverpool band in the meantime. He was alone now playing up there, Stu having already left to go spend the rest of his time with Astrid. Even with our relationship still being in a fragile state, it was still such a depressing thing to hear about. All yer friends gone and you're still expected to go on as normal. So I suppose going back home was the best for all of our sakes.

But before we could even think of leaving, I had to drop off my uniform back at the restaurant. It was something I was dreading to do as we neared closer and closer to the building, utterly terrified that the two men would continue wherever they had left off. And as all of us knew, they hadn't quite started off on the right foot.

As we now both stood in front of the restaurant, I could see Rolf cleaning up in the kitchen through the slightly fogged up windows. It was sad thinking that this could be my last time seeing him here. I had no idea when we were coming back to Hamburg, or even worse—if we were even coming back to this place.

I took a few steps towards the door before I heard John's heavy footsteps follow close behind me, reminding me to turn around and remind him of what would be best for us at the moment. I was hoping that he had gotten the message of what was going to happen, because I really didn't want to have to tell him. Just the thought of telling him seemed humiliating from his point of view, as odd as that sounded. Maybe rubbing salt in a wound would be the best way to put it—but even that didn't seem to quite hit the spot for what I was trying to say.

"John, hey, maybe it would be best if you stayed...out here for a mo' while I go in." I glanced at him quickly, getting a feel on how he would react. The jealousy with Rolf still hadn't trickled away with John, making this all the harder to say. Either I had just made him feel like utter shite or he was going to argue over this. "And you know where I'm coming from, yeah? I don't want another fight starting up before we leave."

"Oh," He plainly said, a slightly pained expression all over his face. Vulnerable. Almost child-like even.

"You understand why, right? I'm not doing this because I just want to, John. I just don't want any trouble starting before we go home. We don't need any other messes to fix up."

John's face hardened again as he looked through the windows at Rolf. "You don't have to talk to me like I'm some kid, Nat. 'Course I understand. Just hurry up before we're late for the train back." He looked to be the opposite of understanding, but I had no time to argue with him now. Right now the thing at the top of my list was to have a proper goodbye with this bloke who turned out to be one of my newfound friends here in Germany. One that I also wasn't sure that I would see after today.