you really got a hold on me | john lennon

CHAPTER SIXTY ONE

March 6th, 1961

It was hard to believe that it had already been a week since I left Mendips. Compared to the way it felt like years and years for me, a week was a relatively short time. But awaiting the call that had Mimi had said she would give me was what really made the wait much longer. With every day more I had to wait, the more nerve-racking it became.

There was really no telling on what she would tell or ask me on that call. Either she'd be extremely understanding of the situation or absolutely disappointed in me regardless. A midway point here simply didn't seem possible.

But I had no idea why I was even expecting a call from her in the first place—or even in the outcome that Mimi would be understanding of this all. In both the times within this past week that I found myself storming out of Mendips, I had given her a frankly cold response that didn't leave much to the imagination. One that painted me as nothing but ungrateful for all the things she had done for me. Which, in comparison to my parents, Mimi had done more than she ever had to.

So, if Mimi had decided that she didn't want to call me anymore, I wouldn't blame her. It was only what I had coming. If I were in her position, not calling would probably be what I would decide to do. Though, out of anyone here—Mimi was the only one who truly deserved a thorough explanation on...everything. But I couldn't even give her something as simple as that in return.

Maybe that was the one thing I had the biggest regrets in with all this. I had left the closest thing I ever had to a mother in the dirt in exchange of being free of John. Though I didn't know if I could ever be truly free of him after all the things that had happened just between us two. We had shared many secrets with each other that I'm sure we would never tell another soul of no matter what happened. But God, wasn't the urge to spill them all one by one after all he'd done persistent in the back of my head. Who was I kidding here though? Even with how tough I pretended and wish I was...I'd never be able to do gather up the guts to ever do it. 

Seeing John utterly devasted was one of the few things that made me sick to my stomach. It was heartbreaking to see someone usually so tough and walled up sob so much...even when you would have thought they had no more possible tears left to cry. And even with all the hurt I was feeling because of John, I don't think I could ever bear to be one of the reasons why he ended up like that.

So now here George and I were. We sat side by side on the sofa, watching the phone as if it would grow two legs and run away if we didn't watch it carefully.

"Geo, what am I going to do? What am I going to even say to her?" I ran a frantic hand through my disheveled hair. You would have thought that with the week I had with no calls from Mimi, that I'd have time to at least think up what I was going to say to her.

He rubbed my back in circles, but still just giving me the same pitiful look that he'd been doing ever since I found comfort in staying at the Harrisons flat and in him. "Maybe run one by me. Something that you've been thinking on saying to her when she calls. That should help out a bit, yeah?" George found ways to help me in any way he knew how, and most of the time it was mostly just talking it out. It was tough getting used to it after being with John for so long—but I wasn't opposed to it. It was like a breath of fresh air.

"I'm sorry for leaving Mendips so abruptly Mimi, but yer nephew shagged all these other birds that weren't me." I had said the first things that came to mind in the event of me having to explain myself to Mimi—and I don't think I've ever sounded dafter in my life. I groaned and put my head in my hands, feeling utterly defeated. "Nothing sounds right. I know what I want to bloody say but I always wind up sounding like a damned idiot." 

"Hey, you don't sound like an idiot. Just...whatever you do end up saying, I'm sure she can't be made at ye for speaking your side. Especially since you didn't do anything wrong to him while you two were together." George putting me up on such a high pedestal seemed both wrong and daunting. One wrong move with him and that standard he seemed to hold me up to would be shattered. And that would just him on to the list of people who were disappointed in me. If only he knew that my lack of faith since the beginning had also been why our end had started early on. "Besides, you had all the reason to leave. He was treating you like shite, wasn't he? What else were you supposed to do?"