you really got a hold on me | john lennon

CHAPTER FIFTY SEVEN

February 26th, 1961

I brought the newly-lit cig to my lips and inhaled all of the damn smoke I could in one deep, shaky breath in. This was the only thing I had on me at the moment that was keeping me from fully falling off the ledge. I wasn't going to go downstairs and risk Mimi seeing me looking like this, like a mess. Not for just one bevvie. It wasn't going to be worth the earful I would be receiving in exchange for it. So I had no choice but to settle for these ciggies, which I only had a few left of here in John's room.

If I hadn't already gone through those Prellies months ago, I would've gone straight for those instead. The way it numbed my damn mind was unmatched by anything else I'd tried in a sorry attempt to get that exact sensation again. Even with where I had wound up with those things, at this point I didn't really care much for what could happen. As long as it took away all those fucking worries away from me, even just for a little bit. Call me crazy for wanting to put those pills in me willingly after the dangerously close call I had last time, but what did that matter now? They were the only thing that came close to helping me. Since not even John could help me, not in this situation anyways.

The sun was slowly starting to seep in through the window as morning finally came. Time has been passing by painfully slowly since last night's events. I couldn't find it in me to just go to sleep while John was still out there somewhere.

None of what I was doing at the moment changed the fact that I was still deeply hurt by everything John had said or done. Who wouldn't be if they had put themselves in my shoes? Maybe I was even angry at him for one of the first times in both our lives too. But I wasn't going to let any of that get in the way when it was just getting him back home safe. If this had been the one time he had come out unlucky in that department, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for it. No matter how many jabs he had taken at me. And I hated how much I cared for him. Even with all the countless times he hurt me, on purpose at that.

But that worry would never go away. His explosive habits and all the times he had run off into the night after an argument—which had to have happened way too many times to be deemed normal—had always put me one edge over him. The time before this and the time before that, John came home bloodied and bruised and bladdered out of his mind. No wonder Mimi got headaches caring for him all his life.

Just being alone to my thoughts all night alone had happened for better and for worse while I waited for John, I suppose.

It was almost laughable at how last night I wanted his forgiveness more than anything, burying my own feelings on everything six feet under. The both of us were for the wrong for all of it, not just me. And I thought that was the one thing we both agreed on last night. But John proved me quite wrong. He never once admitted any of his faults and put the blame on me the entire time, putting all that went wrong in our relationship on me. And I wasn't going to just take all of that anymore with him thinking it was okay to do all of that. The second he came back—whenever that would happen—I was going to make us actually sit down and fix this. The lack of it had put us here in the first place.

As I brought my cig to my lips for yet another puff, my eyes felt like they were being pulled down by heavy weights. I was hoping the ciggie would help in keeping me awake because I wasn't sure how much longer I could. I rubbed my eyes with my free hand as another attempt to keep me awake, since there wasn't any way I was falling asleep now. Because if I did, I know this would just be another painful cycle to pass by between John and I.

Arguing over something, hurting, ignoring each other, and then finally going back to pretending all was fine and well between us. I hoped that I wasn't the only one out of us two that was sick of this cycle. Maybe fighting for this was utterly useless with how hopeless it seemed, but I was going to give it a shot. We had been through so much together up until this point. And it would be silly of me to let it go just like that. Even if it did make me look like some hopeless romantic who just chasing after something and someone that I wasn't meant to.