you really got a hold on me | john lennon

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

January 11th, 1960

"You're still sulkin' over him? You've got to move on from him. The bloke doesn't deserve to be on yer mind every hour of every day." John laid on his bed with one leg crossed over the other while reading his copy of Alice In Wonderland. His voice was growing more and more impatient with me. It was quite ironic for him to be telling me to just simply move on because let's not sugarcoat the truth — most of the time John was the one who was cheating half the time and causing this type of heartache. He didn't and probably wouldn't ever understand how it was like to be on the other side of the situation.

"Huh, sounds easy enough. Wouldn't have ever thought of the concept myself, Lennon. What a proper genius you are. Do you want a medal?"

"Piss off with that. I know it's hard to do at the moment, but at least try it. Reliving the events and trying to see where you went wrong isn't going to help ye and it definitely won't fucking change what happened."

"Are ye messin? I'm not reliving the events in my head, not at all." My voice wavered even as I tried my hardest to sound as convincing as possible. John calling me out on idiotic things that I was doing really was hard to deny. The biggest cloud of thought on my mind was just thinking what fault of mine possibly could have driven him away and in doing so, ruined our entire relationship as a whole. "Stop accusing me of things, won't you? I'm absolutely fine."

John puts his book down on his lap and stares at me with an unconvinced look. He definitely didn't believe a word coming out of my mouth at that moment. To his defense, no one would. Even I wasn't amused with how bad my lying attempt came out this time.

"I dunno, you crying yourself dry for that entire night and still blaming yourself for Paul's shite doesn't really sell me out on that. It wasn't your damn fault, Nat. There's no way it could've been your fault. How many times do I have to tell you tha?"

"I mean, maybe if I wasn't being such a—"

"Natalie fuckin' Lawrence. You stubborn bird." John smothers his face in his book before looking back at me. "You aren't the perfect girlfriend, sure whatever, but that doesn't give Macca any right to shag some other girl behind your back."

It was hypocritical to hear this type of talk coming from him because of how similar Paul and John were with their infidelity. The two of them always talked about what girls they shagged before Paul and I were together during rehearsals and it was always unsettling to hear. John especially. He had a pretty sturdy relationship with Cyn that was coming up to be almost three years and yet he had the audacity to do this to her. And the worse part? Cynthia definitely knew about them all because they were no secret to anyone you asked around in Liverpool.

"If you and I were together, wouldn't you do the exact same thing as him? So I don't think you have any of the right credentials to be advising me on this."

"You're different, Nat. Of course I wouldn't do that to ye."

I had never regretted asking a question more than I did right now. What the hell did he mean by that and why did he say it? If anything, he should be having a conscience about what he's been putting Cyn through and certainly not what he hypothetically wouldn't put me through. God, this relationship I upheld with John could be confusing to keep up with at times — even more so now after New Year's. I was never sure if he was actually sincere about it or just charming me like he did any other girl.

"But you wouldn't hesitate to do it to Cynthia? Common sense, John. I'm no stranger to your other shags in all the years we've known each other."

"I broke up with her." John blurted it out suddenly, leaving the two of us confused on what to follow up with. He didn't look affected by it at all and his face was almost unreadable in terms of viable emotion on the matter. A three-year commitment being finished just like that usually would affect someone in one way or another, but that certainly wasn't the case for John right now.