you really got a hold on me | john lennon

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

October 7th, 1959

I brushed my fingers over the top of each vinyl out on display in front of me, feeling each individual groove under my skin. My eyes set on one by Elvis called A Date With Elvis. It was a mere compilation album and not one with any new music on it, but you could never have too much Elvis in your life, right?

Picking out one of them from the array on display, I start making my way to the line to check out my newest record. Every time I got any record of sorts I couldn't help but feel giddy about it, y'know? The record shop was my way to escape from the world, even if it just was for a little bit. Kept my sanity in check whenever I felt like I was losing it.

Tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear, I quietly wait for my turn at the register when I feel a light tap on my shoulder. Turning my head slightly, I look through the corner of my eye to see who the person was.

Paul. Splendid.

I turn my gaze back in front of me, having zero intention to stress myself out today by having to talk to him. When I saw Paul at the Casbah a few weeks ago, it seemed like it was a whole different person there. From his cold stare to him practically ignoring my damn existence for almost a whole month now — it was like the Paul I cared for and had started dating was simply gone.

"Nat, I know you know I'm here. And I'm probably the last person you want to see right now, but I want to apologize for that night."

And with those words from his mouth, it was again like it was a whole different person I was talking to. It was a bit hard to catch on and sense his mood swings even after knowing him all these years.

But why did I somehow believe he was genuine in what he was saying? Shit, I really need to work on my abilities to keep a grudge properly. Really gives me the short end of the stick with this kind of stuff.

Sighing, I cross my arms — holding my vinyl in them — and face him properly. Probably the first time I'd done this in a solid while.

"Fine, talk. You've got one fucking minute."

"Well, uh, I was pretty wasted that night and had zero ideas of what I was doing. I regret and beat myself up every single day for being such an idiot. I should've never been so overbearing of you since I know how close you are with John — platonically of course. And most importantly, I'm sorry for all that I did." By the end of the cluster of things Paul had spewed out, his eyes widened and he had to catch his breath. "Sorry, luv, you did sort of drop a bomb on me when ye gave me a time limit."

My brain felt like it stopped, unsure of what to say next. He apologized, yes, but would I just forgive him just like that? What would happen next? After this, would we just go back to normal as nothing had ever happened? Something about that didn't sit right with me. Paul beat one of our closest friends to a bloody pulp, and then all we would do would be to move on from it.

But even with this weighing on my mind — mostly concerning John — I felt a hesitant "Yes." squeeze out from me.

Paul scratched the top of his head and nervously laughed. "Yes, what?"

"I forgive you."

"Brilliant."

The two of us smile like idiots while looking at each other for what you would think is forever, except when our little "moment" was interrupted by someone behind us.

"Oi! You two lovebirds, move up in line! This isn't the time or place for a proper shag."

Paul's cheeks flushed red before he hastily put a hand on my lower back to nudge me forward in the queue. I didn't know what to be more embarrassed about, the fact the whole store heard her or that she had the proper guts to say that. I guess she always liked to go the bold route.

We stood timidly together, me slightly leaning back into him. The two of us didn't really know how to act all coupley. That skill never really came naturally to him and me.

"You wanna go to the diner? It's on me. For old time's sake." Finally, something to break the silence.

"I mean, sure. Haven't got anything else to do today."

"Great."

. . .

The diner was a short walk away from the record shop, so we both got there rather fast. Paul's hand was intertwined with mine the entire time — which was sort of odd for me at first but I eventually got used to it.

We were sitting at a booth right next to the huge windows in front of the diner, exposing us to the entire outside world. Before today, I feel like I would be terrified at the thought of John seeing me here with him. But not anymore. There was a newfound sense of security now that put me at ease.

"So...I'm assuming you and John are on good terms now?"

"Pretty much, yeah. He was pissed at something else though. Couldn't quite put my finger on it."

"Odd. Wonder why." My mind immediately went back to the morning after the Casbah incident when Paul said this. Looking back on it still made me feel a sense of guilt every single time.

"Yeah. Complicated bloke, he is. You can never really be too sure of what's on John's mind, can you?"

"No, you can't."

. . .

About thirty minutes had passed since we danced around the slightly uncomfortable topic surrounding John. But it didn't really dampen Paul's ability to make conversation on practically nothing. We had gotten our food and Paul was still rambling on about something that I hadn't paid attention to when my eyes set on Cyn and John right outside our booth window.

The two of them were laughing their heads off at something I couldn't really hear, and for the first time possibly ever, I didn't feel anything pulling on my heartstrings. Any type of feeling I once had for John seemed to just have poofed away like dust. It scared me to know that I was changing in some sort of way inside, but I wasn't against it either.

My heart was finally set on someone that I wanted, and not torn between them both anymore.

John's eyes met mine for a quick second, his gaze warm. I immediately flick my eyes away from them and look back to Paul. He put his hand atop mine and asked, "You alright? Something wrong?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

~~~

a/n: hello everyone! sorry for the delay in putting out another chapter. i didn't want to rush it and put out something that i wouldn't be satisfied with later on, so i decided to just wait this lil writer's block out. anyways, this chapter physically hurt me to write because i'm obviously #teamjohn in this whole situation. whose side are you all on?

hope you all enjoyed this chapter and see you all hopefully next week! it'll be quite eventful to say the least 🙃 thanks once again for reading! ❤️