you really got a hold on me | john lennon

CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT

November 30th, 1960

"Are you sure you aren't hungry, Nat? I wouldn't mind fixing up even the tiniest bit of food for you. An empty stomach is never good, especially with how you're feeling right now." Astrid and I both leaned on the kitchen counter, waiting for the tea kettle to finish heating up. I was true to my word after I had loudly announced to John and maybe the rest of the world when I said I was staying with Astrid for the night. It was the only thing I could really sort out into thoughts—the rest of what had happened this morning becoming a mess in my head. "Listen, I do know that after what you told me last night...it might be the least of your worries. But you cannot stop taking care of yourself."

"I'm alright, Astrid. Tea's enough for me at the moment. You letting me stay here has been more than enough." She had every right to be as concerned about me as she was. Since the second I had gotten here I hadn't been able to get a wink of sleep, the only thing on my mind being how I was to move forward from all this.

Astrid opens one of the cupboards to get us some cups and starts pouring the hot water in them for us both, looking up at me every now and then. "Okay then, if you say so. You called off from work, yes?" She scoots one of the cups closer to me while she searches for some of the teabags, I assume.

"I did, yeah. Can't imagine going to work when I'm all over the place. Might just make a fool out of myself over there." I watch as Astrid scrambles all over the kitchen trying to find tea bags—opening every cabinet door one by one. She finally finds them and comes back towards me, waiting for me to finish whatever I was saying. "But other than that I don't really know what to do now. I have no idea if it would even be wise for me to go back there so soon. John is there after all, and I'm not sure if I even want to see him right now. Is that wrong of me to say?"

Even after what he had done, I still found myself defending his feelings and taking special care of it whenever I talked about him. It was almost laughable replaying all the many times I had already defended John in some way in front of Astrid—trying to save his crumbling dignity in her eyes just so he would be alright. I had put him first for so long, even when we were the farthest thing from dating, so much so that I had still forgotten what it was like to prioritize myself over anything else. Just making myself come to terms with how I was feeling on the matter made me feel like a gullible fool, and nothing more.

"Of course it isn't wrong to feel like that. I can't believe John was that close to doing such a thing to you...most especially after all you had done for him and the rest of the band. It makes my blood boil just thinking about it. I'm so sorry it happened." She sets down a bag of tea in each of our cups almost angrily, if such a thing was possible to do.

I simply sigh and stare at the wall, still not knowing what else to do. There wasn't much I could say now—no matter how much I wished I could. "I know. I never knew he would do that to me either. I don't know why he would even think of doing tha, after all we've been through together, y'know? I thought it'd be a one-way ticket to assure he wouldn't do such a horrible thing. But I suppose I was wrong, hm? Almost always am when it comes to this shite. First with Paul, and now with John. Brilliant taste I've got in men." I stifled an awkward laugh, but it seemed to do nothing but make her look more concerned for my sake.

"I don't know what to say to him now. I'll never be able to look at him like I used to. Not after he almost struck you." Her words cut deep even if I wasn't the one she was directing them to.

With just two simple sentences from Astrid, I couldn't help but feel horrible for ruining what could have been all of John's friendships that he held. If Astrid knew—it wasn't going to be long until Stu did, too. They were engaged to be married after all. And the rest of the boys would find out in due time once they put the pieces together and realized what had happened between John and I. Even if I was hurting, maybe one of the only things that would make this any worse was knowing that I had hurt John back too. He had lost so much as is...and I don't think I'd be able to bear having to watch all his friends desert him too.