Beautiful Sorrows

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You glance at the clock.

It's 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

You just got home from an annoying day of school.

So, you open up your empty drawer; the only one that's painted sky blue; the rest are white, and you shake your head at all the crumbled up papers littering with hate filled words.

You decide that this time, it will be different.

So you grab a stack of computer paper and start scribbling out the "I'm sorrys."

*

First, ironically, you say sorry to your little sister.

You're sorry for always picking on her, for embarrassing her in front of her boyfriends, for shoving her favorite glass dolphin figurine off her shelf and breaking it, for blaming her on everything, but most importantly for not telling her you love her all the time.

And you're desperate for her to understand.

*

Next, you tell your mom sorry.

For back talking, for blowing off your school work, for being such a brat, but mostly for not telling her what was really going on; because you know how much she's always wanted to help you.

You tell her that you were scared.

That you didn't know any better.

But you hope she understands, too.

*

Then you fold your hands and make a silent prayer to your father.

You tell him that you'll explain when you arrive in heaven and you hope that he won't be mad.

Lastly, you tell him you'll see him soon.

*

And then you start laughing, because you're even writing a note to your hair dresser. You two are close. You know what's going on in her life, and she knows what's going on in yours. But does she really? You shake your head. And suddenly, you feel ashamed. So you just say sorry.

*

You continue on with the notes.

You share memories with your best friends, and you tell your ex's to make sure that they treat their future misses with respect because you know that they'll go far in life.

You even mention your teachers and make sure they know that they're not to blame; that you're grateful for all they've done for you.

*

After you're done, you stack the papers into a box and head downstairs.

At the last step, your cat Whiskers looks up at you, like he knows what's about to happen.

So you pick him up into a hug as he rubs his face against yours for the last time.

You don't even realize you've been crying until Whiskers shakes his head when a tear drop falls onto his ear and you feel the water when he shakes.

Then you give him a kiss on the head through blurry tear filled eyes and whisper an "I love you."

You gently put him back down, and with a permanent black marker, you write "take good care of Whiskers for me, please."

*

Then it hits you.

You're really doing this; this isn't a dream.

*

You think about all the people who really do love and care about you.

Who will they blame?