LUMOS - Fred Weasley

twenty

TW: self-harm and grief

The train ride back was painful. She wanted to enjoy it as she usually did but it was just impossible, her mind was only on Cedric. As she hopped off the steps, trunk in hand, she scanned the crowd searching for her father. When she saw him, in his shabby dress robes as always, she felt the tears coming. She bit her lip trying to hold her tears as he looked at her smiling sadly. As she hugged him, a sob escaped her lips.

" I know puppy, I know," he whispered, kissing the top of her head. He took her truck with one hand and held hers in the other. They walked away from the crowd an in a quiet place to apparate back to their cottage.

Their home was a small cottage in Yorkshire. It was small but cosy, just enough for the two of them. The house was filled with plants: they were hanging from the ceiling, on the windows or on the floor. The garden was beautiful, Ava had made it her responsibility to grow a vegetable garden after Remus lost his job at Hogwarts, to make sure they would be self-sufficient.  There was a swing attached to an old oak tree, and a round table was set in on the front lawn. Inside, the fresh smell of vanilla and jasmine waved in the air. The sofa was covered in a patterned quill that had been gifted by Ms Weasley last Christmas. The kitchen was small but practical, with a wooden table in the corner where only two people could fit. Then, on the second floor, two small rooms were placed on each side of the narrow corridor. Ava's room was the biggest of the two, it had a large arched window where she had hung plants from. In the den of the wall, under the window, Ava had placed her small bed, where laid another Weasley blanket. On her walls were hung tapestries and images of her friends. A bookshelf covered the whole wall in front, with all the books she had ever owned. And in the small corner, a low wooden dresser stood, where her small collection of clothes was stored. Ava had always loved fashion, but not so much the cost of clothes. At 11, when she had seen this beautiful skirt in a shop but couldn't afford it, she learned to sew. Almost all of her clothes were handmade now and therefor fitted her perfectly. Ava also sewed her dad a couple of dress robes, but with the whole werewolf situation, they got dirty pretty fast.  Her room was tight, but she loved it, it made her feel safe and protected. Her favourite time was at night when the fairy lights attached to her window would light up, it felt like she was being snuggled up by her house.

She set her trunk on her dresser and jumped on her bed, exhausted. She pulled the covers over her body, not bothering to change, knowing she wouldn't be able to sleep.

***

A month had passed but Ava didn't feel any better. It was Sunday morning and her dad was in the kitchen, cooking breakfast. He wasn't home a lot lately, said that he had some top-secret business to do, but he tried to as much as he could. Remus knew what it felt like to lose someone you loved and he knew he to handle it, so he did his best to be there for his daughter. Ava didn't eat a lot these days, but when her father was here she tried to take a bite, not wanting to worry him.

" Hi dad," she muttered, kissing his cheek whilst grabbing a plate.

" How are you feeling puppy ?"

" Not much better."

" I know," he smiled sadly.

"Dad, I have a question. Does it get better, I mean the pain, does it disappear ."

" I'm going, to be honest with you sweetie. It still hurts as much as the day I lost them. Not one minute goes by where I don't think about Lily and James," he sighed. " But one day, you won't cry anymore when you think about them. No, one day, you'll smile at the memories you were able to have, and the moments that you'll cherish forever."

She looked up, meeting his gaze, biting her lip to hold the tears.

"Everyone griefs differently puppy, but with the right people beside you, you'll make it."

She nodded thankfully, before sipping some orange juice.

" By the way, I have some news. Next week we'll be moving. We're going to spend the rest of the summer at the Black's house with Sirius. The Weasleys, Harry and Hermione will be there. It's for work but I'll explain everything to you when we get there."

Ava sighed before going back up to her room. She didn't know if she wanted to see anybody right now. She couldn't be around big crowds. Why him? Was all she could think about. Cedric wouldn't hurt a fly, he was the kindest human being she had ever met, and he loved people unconditionally.

Her mind was completely full of what-ifs. What if Cedric made it out of the maze? What if it had been Harry? What if he had asked her to be his girlfriend? Would he have stayed here this summer? They would've had picnics in the forest and they would've gone stargazing. But somewhere, when she was in the darkest of places, her mind would wander to horrible, horrible thoughts. Her intrusive thoughts were killing her, she felt so guilty and ashamed of what she thought. She felt like she was betraying him, disrespecting him, disappointing him. She would ask herself: What if Fred hadn't asked Angelina? What if I hadn't said yes to the ball? What if he was still with Cho? 

She felt like she could never love again, that every time she would talk to another person, he would get jealous.  She felt like a slut for even thinking about Fred at times. She would slap herself every time she thought about him as if Cedric could read her mind.

She hadn't properly slept for weeks, waking up screaming ever since that night of the third task. Her nightmares were getting worse : she was in the maze, running out of breath, when she reached Cedric he had a smile on his face, that smile scared her, and without any control, Ava would kill him. She didn't know what any of this meant, but it haunted her. Unable to fall back asleep, she had this routine to listen to Cigarette Daydreams on here walkman and with headphones on, gaze at the stars from the window. The lyrics broke her heart, it was like they were about him.

" Cigarette daydream, you were only seventeen. Soft speak, with the mean streak, nearly brought me to my knees," she would hum, the glowing moonlight illuminating her face. " You can drive all night, looking for the answer in the pouring rain. You wanna find a peace of mind, looking for the answer. If we could find a reason, a reason to change, looking for the answer."