The Broken Crown

Dignity

My first real love was someone I met right after I graduated from high school and took up a job in the human city a thirty minute drive from my pack. He was not someone I thought I could see myself with, for he was carefree and I was calculated. We met during a rainstorm within a coffeehouse, our conversation carrying on for hours as I felt like I was in a romantic comedy. He was funny, full of life, and everything I thought I never needed to look for in a partner. Yet he was pure blood human, something my pack would scoff at and have me packing my bags. That boy, barely a year older than me, and both of us barely experiencing the true world...he was the one who showed me my demeanor of being calculating and never carefree was something I should let go of from time to meet. 

Our six month love story ended with him going off to college and me being left behind at my pack to carry on with life the way it had to be. My parents were glad to see him leave, for they too were tradition in a sense they never wanted to see their daughter with a human - but now I know it was also because of who I was in my blood. I learned to be happy on my own, not ever meeting someone like Sam, not meeting someone who brought out the excitement and adventure in life. But then I met him. 

I met River and for a moment, just for a moment, I felt as if he was pulling out that carefree side of my life and reminding me of the joy life can bring with letting go of everything which holds you down. River has made me forget logic, for I have allowed us to grow close even though we are pulling farther apart every day. 

I need to hold myself more accountable, for I cannot allow myself to be careless with the very man I am fighting over a crown for. The last time I spoke with River was two weeks ago when we had our short meeting followed by a moment of intimacy. I feel as if he has taken away my dignity - as if my respect for myself has been lost as I allowed myself to sleep with the very man I am going to war with. 

These alphas who surround me, they have agreed to fight for me, to even die for me...yet I betrayed their trust and slept with River and have kept that piece hidden from them except one redhead alpha. These alphas who surround me tonight, who brush elbows with one another, exchange statistics, political agenda, and so much more, I feel as if I have betrayed them as their leader. A Queen does not allow herself to have such moments of weakness, a queen knows what is important to not just her, but her subjects as well. I need to make decisions based on those around me, not whatever my ovaries are screaming. 

"It is as if comparing troop numbers is equal to comparing dick size," Penelope remarks, causing me to choke on the air I breath as she comes up to me. 

We overlook the small party below having gathered in Alpha Yusuf's pack house. Two new alphas join us tonight with their most trusted advisors, greeting their new allies as I know they will come to find me eventually. "Politics can get personal," I comment, glancing towards the auburn alpha as she flicks her hair over her shoulder. 

"You don't need to tell me." 

I know she is referring to River and myself. I need to start acting like a true queen, but I also know I should not be so harsh on myself for what I have done yet. I am no queen yet - for no crown sits on my head - but I need to win back my own respect. 

"Have you met Alpha Mathis yet?" I shake my head no. "Cheeky little thing. Barely in his late twenties and he thinks he runs this show. I would watch out for him."

"And the other Alpha? Alpha Finch?" 

"Sly and cunning. Neither of them have a Luna though. Perhaps they will try and change that tonight." 

"If they have any respect for themselves, they would not throw themselves at me," I argue, shaking my head at the thought of these two alphas becoming prospects for a suitor.