Deep Thoughts and Hidden Emotions

Spirals

Im so tired of everyone looking at me like im some sorts charity case. Like damn im new and yea i may not be open to an actual conversation yet but im just so sick of it!

Im sick of everyone thinking they can push me around.

Tired of everyone thinking the fucking know me?!

Seriously if you truthfully knew, you'd know i feel sick to my stomach over guilt about wanting to line my body with enticingly elaborate scars.

You'd know that i just want to sleep and never wake up again.

That i just want this fucking unexplainable pain to go the fuck away.

You never know exactly what someone is going threw an for you to think its alright to say 'oh you dont need that shit, you arent even depressed'

What do you know?!? Have you known that i knew why everyone kept their distance from me? The fact that the cant wrap their tiny minds around the fact that i may or may not be attracted to both fucking sexes?!?

Like damn, does it matter as long as it isnt of your concern?

Did you know i blame myself for making my sister leave? That instead of her driving me into insanity, i believe it was the other way around?

That the voices actually try to help me move on when your only making it fucking worse!

Im tired of feeling confused and numb. I feel so numb that those important ap grades dont even matter anymore.

I want to tell someone that im giving up and i dont know why. Though anytime i try to talk i feel like im either letting you down or that I'll be made fun of.

Yea so what I've lost my confidence. Its not like it hasnt been happening for years now. But i think I've finally hit that breaking point. Doing anything to keep from thinking.

And i can't help but feel like everything's my fault. I mean when i was a kid i was so full of confidence. I wanted to be that hero everyone turned to. What that small box never showed, was that even heroes need someone to turn to.

But why should it matter? Im no ones hero. I keep that happy fake facade under lock and key. No point in letting anyone leave.

I was right when i said that this school year nothing would really matter. I moved all the way across the US. It doesnt feel like i fit in. And everyone has pretty much left me to have no friends.

What lies you fucking spat. Im missing the part of me that i left with you guys. And it hurts knowing that you probably dont care. I said time and time again id be open to talk anytime. But what about me?!

I was always there for someone and was able to help find clues in what to do next. So why isnt there anyone for me? To tell me it isnt worth my time. To just focus on the present.

Unfortunately i have to inform you I've been in this downward spiral of dismay for years. I think im coming close to the end of it.