Deep Thoughts and Hidden Emotions

Why would I tell you if I fight it myself?

How the hell am i supposed to tell someone im hurting? I dont want anyone to know but i want to tell people i relate. I wouldnt look it but ive done some horrible things. I'm a horrible person who shouldn't be allowed to poison anyone else. Want examples?

Felt so insecure about myself i caused my sister the same insecurities.

Past two years tried taking extra medicine just so that i wouldn't have dreams about everyone i 'care' about being brutally killed.

Tried to keep my anxiety and other emotional problems hidden and ended up cutting and getting even worse headaches convincingly taunting me to pick the knife up again to get rid of the pain.

No this isnt about wanting someones fucking pity. I just want you to know im not as innocent, carefree or strong as you make me out to be.

I hate crying because a few 'close' relatives would make fun of me and tell me how weak i was. Even if i was the one to comfort their pains all i ever really had were my teddy bears.

They aren't able to hurt me. One time instead of hurting myself i slit the stitching slowly around one of my bears' throats, too scared to do it to myself. I watched when i was younger and didn't want to be caught like everyone else had. And i failed like a huge chocolatey dessert sat in front of me, taunting me, while i was told to have some self-control and wait. Yup big fat F right here ma'am!

I get that life is not fair. You don't need to tell me im stupid as well. I already know. Ive practically given up. I dont like life. Which is the reason fictional worlds are more entertaining for me.

Even though you say you can relate, you cant.