Deep Thoughts and Hidden Emotions

There cant be regret in loving You

I realise now— I don't regret loving you.

I regret not saying enough was enough sooner.

I regret holding onto you.

Being jealous that anyone else was getting your attention and you were treating them better.

I regret being a child and not realising how much you were hurting me.

I regret thinking any of what you did was okay.

I regret that I was petty and got you in trouble for stupid shit— only to make your punishment for me ten times worse.

I regret pretending— and actually making myself believe— that I was happy go lucky

I regret that it's broken me so much— made me so bitter as I've started to realise things.

You were a big part of my life. You changed me for the worse I think.

And I regret not telling anyone sooner because maybe I wouldn't be so hurt And angry now. So afraid of an irrational fear that everyone leaves eventually.

I regret I don't have the guts to tell you any of this.

I regret that I never really took the chance to focus on the good times with you.

I regret that I'm only remembering things that make me hate you and myself more and more.

I regret that because of you leaving a big gaping hole— I can't form normal relationships.

I regret not being able to explain myself to others because I'm afraid of looking weak.

I regret that I can't confront anyone now.

I regret that the disgust that bubbles in my chest overwhelms me and makes it hard to sleep.

I regret not taking the help I could have had.

I regret ever lying for you.

But I don't regret loving you.

Isn't it funny? So many things I regret but I can't bring myself to regret that? Because even if I despise you now, you used to be around the center of my world, and I loved you.

You protected as well as abused. Only you were 'allowed' to do things.

I regret not knowing it wasn't healthy. That there was a real problem with us. Maybe if I told someone, you would have gotten help sooner. Maybe I would have too. Maybe I wouldn't be fucking panicking if anyone got to close because I wouldn't have any "deep, dark, secrets to hide."