Deep Thoughts and Hidden Emotions

And my diagnosis is?

So I am gonna say this now, I am actually debating on seeing a shrink for all the nonsense and unfocusing I have. After this wanna tell me your opinion? I still have many secrets though. This is just the brief summary of me.

I noticed when I was in about 8th grade-ish, that people don't really want you to be yourself because if you're too weird, they don't want to hang out with you. And if you don't show the proper balance of emotions like everyone else they single you out.

Yea, in kindergarten through halfway through the fourth grade, I was that rambunctious little odd ball that was only serious when it came to drawing or anything I could be creative with. I still was until about sixth grade when I left homeschooling and integrated back in to the public schools. I spent most of fourth and fifth grade separated from most kids my age and only had my older and younger sisters, and older cousins to have any contact with. It was around this time I really started to see how different I was. And about the time I added anime to my obsessions.

Up until then it had been fantasy mystery books and teddy bears. I usually had a book or two that I always carried around along with a bear. Always chased people because I was under the impression that it was like a cat-and-mouse type of game.

At least until people started leaving me. Realizing that instead of being my friend they would rather bully me. Pick on me for mispronouncing words and stumbling over forming sentences without it being confusing for others because if I didn't get it out fast enough, I forgot it.

And so I started closing myself off from making a fool and only talking back to people when they decided to make fun of me to my face. Temper getting the better of me. I got told by so many people I became cold and it wasn't natural.

It was about that time that I entered sixth grade. Picked a few people to be my wild crazy over obsessive self with them and be ignorant to anyone else who didn't have similar interests.

Needless to say that made things worse for my 'friends'. They got picked on for being friends with me and I would get so angry that people kept trying to tale things away from me.

My cousins or least most of them, always picked on me and sometimes got into actual fights with. I thought it was okay. My big sister used to get really physical with me when I didn't listen or stated my own opinions. She always got in trouble to steal our parents attention and I just tried to conform.

Same in school, although most of it was super boring because I already knew the right answers. People picked on me for being so strange and what not. For standing out. So I tried my hardest to fit in.

Obviously I failed miserably. And miserable is just what I was. I just stopped trying to intentionally conform to everyone. I only conformed to anyone I could somewhat be myself around.

Although I never really connected with anyone. I could imitate happy and calm but nobody real could make me feel anything else. Well maybe angry but before I could actually explode on anyone I left them all tried getting music and paper out to release on those objects. Occasionally I would spin or maybe pinch and bite myself. Which eventually turned into cutting. It still happens if I feel overwhelmed. Or I make a huge mess so that I can organize it.

I felt empty and alone. I still do but at least now I have a true friend who won't abandon me. Like everyone else. I was able to make 'friends' or socialize with the teachers but only the eccentric ones. My older sister left and I lost one of the only unsafest safeties I had. So called friends kept avoiding me. I know I'm different but why rub it in my face?

I figured I don't fit here. And I don't know if I ever will. I'm tired of pretending. That's all I am anymore. Tired and upset. To be good. To be my 'age'. I don't even know what that means! Why don't you want me to be me?!?

I never know when to shut up or leave things be. If I find out someone who I thought was close betrayed me I have anxiety until I'm able to confront them about it.

Although I always ended up caring if someone was hurt. All the books I read did it so I figured i should. Always trying to help wether it was wanted or not.

Being bullied and never fully welcomed in my family and at school, how was I ever supposed to fit in?

And you wanna add another thing to the list that makes me creepy and weird? I stare at people. A lot. Like in the sense I want to continually watch and observe them so that maybe one day I can copy them. They fascinate me. And it hurts because they belong and I don't.

There was a time I tried to bring 'my' world into the real world. All the people I had in my head came out to play. There weren't very many. But more than enough. And people excepted it and we all liked being seen as different but the same. We were all finally real. But then We were told that We would be locked up if anybody else found out. So back to hiding again.

Guess this is what they call crazy right? So doc, what's the diagnosis? Sending me to the funny farm?