Just A Nerd

Chapter Twenty-Six

LISA

"What's wrong?" I ask, trying to calm down when seeing her tears fall. It's not that I have never seen it before, but the fact that it reminds me that I am the cause of it really hurts.

She cries because she wants to leave you...to be with Mino.

She loves Mino.

She doesn't love you.

I shake away the stupid and painful thoughts as I clench my jaw in anticipation before snapping. "What now?"

She widens her eyes, not expecting me to ask that insane question. I can't help but grab her face in my hand. "You still miss him? You don't want to be with me because you want to be with him? Even after we are married?" She pushes my hand away, asserting her sharp nails in my hands accidentally.

Until the back of my hand is bleeding that I release her. She looks at my hand, but I take it away from her. Part of me crazy enough to feel good when getting scratched by her. The physical pain reminds me that I am somehow still alive, and she is in front of me.

I look at her in the eyes before uttering. "Whatever you are thinking of? Don't. I am not a nerd like before. I don't tolerate anything that I don't like and morally wrong."

Despite crying, she wipes her tears aggressively before literally shouting at me. "Hah! So, you have known the words 'morally wrong', too? If you really know it, you would not break us-"

"Don't." I exhale loudly. "I can't control my temper anymore if you utter the name of that man again. I don't want to hear anything about him. Just shut the fuck up and sleep."

I have to say that she has learned some new habits when she gets angry with me. Every time, she is mad. She is always trembling with her jaw clenched and tiny hands forming into fists, which I never saw before.

Then, again. Who am I joking?

I have never made her that mad before.

Loving her makes me scared of too many things, though.

I am afraid I might get insane one day.

I am afraid that I might hurt her one day.

After a few minutes of being silent, and just me staring at her while her glaring deadly at me, I mutter. "Let's sleep. We aren't supposed to fight at our wedding night, are we?" I manage to pull off a smile while sneaking my arm under the cover, bringing her near me. Her eyes are heavy, and she doesn't protest or anything as her body against mine, and her head on my shoulder. I inhale her natural scent and my favorite shampoo's from her head.

The classic and good combination. I smile against the side of her head.

Even if I have to suffer from her hatred, the pain is worth it if I get to come home with her under a cozy blanket with me and in my arms every night. I will work as much as I can to get whatever she is in need of. Even if changing myself to someone I could have never imagined I would ever be.

As she is calmly asleep, I look at the ceiling above me. The wind from the window, which I haven't shut. If only this night could be perfect. If only this day is what we both want, I would be the happiest human being in the world.

Unfortunately, it's not.

Life is suffering.

It's hard, and I know I can't expect to be happy all the time. But, do I really have the time in my life that I am fully satisfied?

The day, my parents left. The day, I knew that they don't actually love me, or they simply don't want me at all. Or, I am just a mistake between them. I don't know, and I try not to care. As a consequence, I put all of my efforts into studying because at least I have aunt Dara.

Then, high school came. I know what love is, or the cliché word called 'crush' is. That's one of the most memorable things I have ever had. I had friends and a crush that she also liked me.

Not fully a year, we went separate ways. I ran away to pursue a dream that I stupidly hope and believe she would feel proud of. The reason I went away without telling her because I am too obsessed with the idea of giving her everything that she needs even though she never asks.

Look, how it turns out.

Incredible.

Incredibly tragic.

People say you can't have everything. You have to lose something to actually gain something in return, and it is her. I lost her.

Then, I decided that I won't give up. I want to win her back, and I am willing to lose everything I have if it's the cost. Funny, right?

My tears fall, but I wipe them silently. The night is dark. No one sees me. That's my routine when I was away from her. I cried at night, but then she is my inspiration for me to continue no matter how lonely I felt to be by myself in a different country.

I had many friends there. They are great, but it's not as close as we are here. It's not as innocent and fun as we are here. Most of them are competitive there, and I know for the reason they come to me most of the time. Anyway, I was glad to make friends with them even though knowing that it's not a long-term thing, and we gain benefits from each other.

We helped each other academically. Nothing more.

When I came back to Korea, I have one thing in mind. I believe I could mend our friendship and relationship back. Unsurprisingly, it's just wishful thinking.

I glance down when Jennie tightens her grip on me, which I happily accept. Until she murmurs something that is so blurred because I don't know what she really means by that.

I miss you.

Three words.

It's from her unconscious mind, which I take it, digging the thought of whom she referred to deep enough so that I could be happy.

Whether she misses me or anybody else, I take it as me.

Only me that she allows to miss.