Omae Wa Mou Shindeiru [DISCONTINUED]

71: The Shinazugawa Brother

!!TRIGGER WARNING!!

Warning? I guess??? Talks about depression and such. Suicidal thoughts that are dubbed as "not suicidal". Self-loathing, all that emotional crap.

♪───Ｏ（≧∇≦）Ｏ────♪

Rehabilitation Training was a lot worse when you went back to the ward and no one was waiting for you. Sekido had his own room, but you like to take your bra off right when you get on a bed, and Sekido's virgin ass can't handle it.

You're really lonely, you realized.

Before, Kanao and Aoi would keep you company, but it was just you now. The three younger girls had other slayers to attend to, so you weren't about to keep them from their job.

Sekido wasn't one for conversation, you learned this after the third day of hanging out with him. Which is totally fine! But... you've had a lot on your mind recently, but you're scared to bring it up.

Anyway, you've been here for a week and you already decided that life is a scam.

You were alone in a hospital ward, laying face down on your bed. You had just returned from training so you thought it would be a good time to get lost in your unreliable thoughts.

When Tanjiro and the others came to the Butterfly Estate on the day of your return, Tanjiro actually brought your backpack and Kama with him. Both of your phones were in there and so was your drawing supplies and a few pairs of clothing.

Sweet baby boy Tanjiro.

You wonder how he's holding up.

No one was happy about your statement, no one wanted to believe you were leaving one way or another.

When Sekido told you he has been providing blood to Tanjiro for Tamayo so he and Nezuko can turn human, you weren't all that surprised. It didn't really help with your situation, but you were happy for Sekido.

You were really happy for him. And if it means you have to stay here so Sekido can be happy, then you didn't mind it.

...

You...

Don't mind staying here.

...

No.

You... really miss your family.

Your dad, your brothers and sisters. You feel anxious every now and then, wondering if they were okay. If they were happy. If they had money for the things they needed or wanted. If they were safe.

Your dad said it was okay to go, but is it really okay?

There's a lot of times that you want to just rest, or for more depressing terms, you just want to die.

And you don't mean that in a suicidal way, you just want to rest. You're so tired, you're so, so tired. See, you've lived, you really lived.

You've loved, and you've lost. You laughed, and you've cried. You've fought, and you've fought, and you've survived.

But... is that really it for you? Are you living or just surviving?

Just thinking about it makes you feel selfish. Selfish for even thinking about letting yourself relax. Do you really hate yourself that much? That you must punish yourself by not letting yourself rest?

But even admitting that feels selfish, and makes you feel guilty for even considering thinking about your own needs.

Ha-ha-ha!