Getting to Nirvana {editing}

Chapter 19

I'm sorry if I'm spamming y'all with updates. When I'm bored I write soooo... Yeah.

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell. ~Buddha

Chapter 19

Daniel

When she sticks her tongue in my ear I have to resist the urge to gag. Do girls actually think that shit is sexy? She then starts trailing kisses down my neck, sucking it softly as she goes. Man I really don't want hickies. I've always hated how they looked and felt. For some strange reason they really gross me out. And if I'm being honest so is this make out session. Why am I not as into this as I should be?

She jumps on me landing on my crotch and I grunt in pain. Now that she's straddling me, she starts kissing my lips sloppily, her saliva dripping down the sides of my mouth. I thought french girls were supposed to know how to kiss? What the hell is this?

I bet Nirvana can kiss way better than this. She looks like a good kisser. Where did that thought come from? Maybe I was going to kiss her back at the hotel but chickened out, wait it was more like she sneezed on me and I made up some lame excuse that I wanted to look at her eye. But doesn't mean I like her as anything more than a friend. Right?

But why did I get a little jealous of Christophe and pissed at her when she said she wasn't my type? And why am I thinking about her when I'm making out with another girl? Not that she would've even let me kiss her. She would've punched me right in the nose before my lips made contact with her.

I shrug the girl off me and sit up from her worn couch. I survey her ruffled state taking in her long auburn hair now in messy tufts from our make out session. She's pretty I guess in a boring way, and I realize something else, she also has rather large breast. Nirvana was right. I do have a type. I feel like such a hypocrite. I got mad at her for saying that last night, but I do. The same boring type. It's not like I purposely look for them it's just a habit. A habit that I'm afraid to break, because I don't want to get out of my comfort zone and try something, or rather someone new.

The girl tries to kiss me again but I shrug her off. She rolls her eyes, says something in French, then pulls out a cigarette, lights it and goes on her balcony to smoke it. I put my head in my hands and run my fingers through my curly hair.

Why did I come here again?

I'm not a lady's man, a player, or a man whore. Though I've had my fair share of dates and make out sessions but what boy hasn't? But when it comes to the s-e-x word I'm a nervous wreck. I've only had sex two times, both times with the same girl when I was seventeen. And though I hate to admit it I cried like a baby for two hours straight when I lost my virginity. I don't even know why. I just couldn't stop the tears. My girlfriend at the time Kristen kissed me and told me it was alright. She told me she would never tell anyone, but the next week she was laughing about it while she fucked my best friend.

I think I just hate getting intimate. I hate commitment and feeling attached to someone. Thats why I don't have sex, and why I make out so much. With making out there's no feelings attached, well for me there isn't, it's just going through the motions.

Everyday I'm just always going through the motions, kissing girls, getting high, partying, gambling (badly might I add), but none of it really fills the void in me. Maybe for a little while, maybe for the time being I'm doing it, but afterwards I feel empty again, sometimes even emptier than before.

But with Nirvana I don't feel like I'm going through the motions. I don't feel bored and empty. I feel alive. I love hearing her laugh, and tease me and punch me even though it hurts. I love going on our little escapades and having fun. I love her uniqueness and her scars. I love her name. I just love being around her I guess. I'd rather be with her than be here. Even sickly and all. Then why am I here? That's a really good question.

So I leave. Amanda calls out after me as I go, and I feel guilty for just leaving without an explanation. "I'm sorry. I like your auburn hair, but you kiss like shit and I want to go." I call out apologetically on my way out.

She probably doesn't even know what I said considering she speaks little english, but whatever. Who cares?

The chilly air whips against my cheeks as I walk outside. The cold feels good. It feels really good. I take of my jacket and tie it around my waist elementary style. Immediately goosebumps rise against my white skin and a shiver runs through my body. But it feels good. I live for these little moments. These little moments that make me feel alive even if it's just for a little bit. Even though I know I'm going to feel empty later. For now this moment is all that matters.

"Woooooooooh!" I yell as the cold wind hits my face and arms.

"Wooooh! Motherfuckers!" I yell again as I toss off my shirt and my shoes. People are giving me weird stares and looks all bundled up in their coats and jackets. Screw them. I'm used to them. I'm used to judging eyes and sharp tongues that spread lies.

I know I'm weird and dysfunctional and maybe even a bit insane, as people like to remind me. What kinda guy doesn't like having sex? What kinda guy takes off his clothes in 38 degree weather just to feel?

I don't know what kinda guy I am, and I don't know why I am the way I am. Well maybe I do a little. But I do know for sure, as my voice gets hoarse and my toes get numb the void inside me begins to feel slowly, and for now it's all I need.

***

"So I'm taking it you had fun?" Nirvana asks as she surveys my neck.

"Not really. That girl kissed like a monkey."

She laughs and it sends tingles up my spine. I love her laugh. "How does a monkey kiss exactly?"

"Sloppy and like a monkey." I answer simply as I look at Amanda's masterpiece in the mirror. Like I knew I would I feel grossed out as I look at the purplish bluish marks that dot my neck like chicken poxs.

"And hopefully you don't have experiences with kissing monkeys."

"And why are hoping? Do you want to kiss me or something?" I ask as I make a kissing gesture.

"It's hard to find you attractive with those things on your neck." She says as she shivers in disgust.

"Aww I think you're just mad that you didn't give them to me."

She wrinkles up her nose. "Um. No." She then lets out a mucous cough. The phlegm thick in her throat.

"You okay?" I ask in concern. "Your taking that thing I bought you yeah?"

She nods her head still coughing. "Yeah. I should be better by tomorrow."

"I'm sorry by the way." I say apologetically feeling guilty hearing her wracking coughs.

"For what?"

"Making you sick."

She laughs and waves my apology away with her hand. "It wasn't your fault. I wanted to do it just as much as you wanted to do it. It was fun."

"Yeah." I say grinning. "It was."

I don't tell her that that experience was more than just fun to me. Though short lived it was probably one of the best experiences I've ever had. Better than getting high. Way better than that.

And I realize I wouldn't have wanted to experience with anybody else.

No one else.

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I don't know I just felt like having a Daniel point of view it was a filler, but so will you find is most of my chapters in this story. I really don't where I'm going with this story to be honest... it's all in my head but it's not coming out exactly the way I want it to. It's so freaking frustrating

anyways vote and comment and whatever

yours truly, a frustrated writer

P.S. as you can tell I'm starting to make my chapters shorter. Hope you liked this chapter though short. Tell me is it good or bad..? or okay?