Getting to Nirvana {editing}

Chapter 5

Song is Karma Police ---->

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. ~Buddha

Chapter 5

Nirvana

I have no car and no ride but I'm definitely not going back to school. So I guess it's walking for me.

My house is just 20 minutes away anyway but I'm not going there. Despite how tempting it sounds to wrap myself inside my covers and eat my problems away with pistachio almond ice cream, while watching cartoons, but my dad gets home early sometimes and I don't want to risk it.

Zephyr and Zack's names keep on popping into my head until it's just one jumbled mess. I try to shove them down into the bottom of my mind but it's all I can think about.

Why did Zack do that?

Why did Zephyr do that?

Why does my life suck so fucking much right now? 

I wish I had something to escape to right. Something that could help make me forget. Some people have drugs, alcohol, weed, a partner. I have nothing. Just a heavy feeling in my heart and my moments with Zack replaying over and over again in my mind.

I decide to go to the mall.

Or rather what's left of it.

In the 80's our mall used to be a hot spot for teenagers. It had the most popular clothing stores and boutiques which boasted the latest trends in fashion and plenty of bookshops, candy shops and every shop in between. It even sported its own teen club. People from as far as Louisiana would come to our mall, or so my parents tell me, I'm not sure how true that is.

But now our mall seems more like a desert wasteland. All the shops and stores closed down and left until there was nothing more than a Kohls, Marshall's and a small food court. The mall is pathetic now.

I go upstairs and immediately my feet take me to the carousel I used to ride all the time, back when I was a kid. Back when it actually worked. Now it just sits there forgotten and neglected. The carousel is old, dusty and has probably been sitting here since the 1800's. But it's mine.

I come here sometimes and sit on one of the majestic animals. My favorite one is the white pony. And I just think. Think about anything that plagues me at the moment, but most of the time I think about the better days. When I was a carefree kid with no worries or troubles.

A wave of nostalgia hits me and I have to fight the tears that threaten to spill.

I rest my head on the pony's mane and close my eyes.

*****

When I open my eyes again. I realize that I've fallen asleep. There's a pool of drool all down the ponies head. I wipe it off and look into his sad eyes. His once glossy coat has been chipped and scuffed over the years and I feel bad. I look over to my ponies counter partner and surprisingly he's in good shape. I know how you feel. I remark sadly. I know how hard it is to feel like second best to someone.

My stomach growling interrupts my crazy pony reveries and I head to the food court. But not before kissing the pony's cheek and whispering "It'll get better." If anyone could see me now they would assume I was utterly insane and would have every right to think so. I'm so pathetic I have to go to a carousel to solve my problems.

While munching on my greasy overpriced pizza, and thinking about how much I would rather shove dull scissors into my eye sockets, or watch The Other Women on repeat, than go to school, I'm hit with an epiphany.

What if... I go to France? I instantly conjure up a 1,000 reasons why I can't but it does little to convince me. Hmm... Picardy, France. Sounds fancy. I'm already stereotyping a scene much like Paris sans the Eiffel Tower. Before I can even stop myself I look up Picardy, France on my crappy android phone. Immediately hundreds of facts appear at my fingertips.

Picardy is one of the 27 regions of France, and home to 1.8 million people. The people of Picardy even have their own language, though only spoken by few. With its gorgeous cathedrals and distinct red brick houses it looks beautiful.

The more I roam the pictures and read the facts about Picardy the more the thought comes to me. Maybe I can do this. For the last 17 years of my life I've been trapped in Texas. It would be nice to escape and see other parts of the world.

"For a minute there I lost myself,

I lost myself,

Phew for a minute there, I lost myself"

My Radiohead ringtone plays through my phone and I immediately know who's calling. The only people who call my phone is Zephyr, and my Mom and Dad. Zephyr's mad at me so that narrows it down to my parents.

I already know I'm in a heap load of trouble but I don't feel like dealing with it quite yet. I decline the call and turn off my phone.

After that I throw away my garbage and go back to my carousel to think some more.

*****

When I get home after 5:00 I mentally prepare myself for the yelling match that will ensue as soon as I walk through the front door. But before I can even put the key in the lock the door slams open.

My mom stands in front of me, her eyes red rimmed and cheeks moist so it's evident she's been crying. Her hair is a disheveled mess and her clothes are wrinkled. Which is unusual for her since she's always primed and neat for work.

"Where the hell have you been!" She screams. Her face turns violet and she looks absolutely terrifying. I take a step back. My mom rarely hits me but at this moment it looks like she could kill me. Immediately I know something's up. My mom is a very calm person. "Mom?"

I say. My heartbeat speeds up and my throat dries out. "What's wrong?"

"Zephyr's in the hospital."