Getting to Nirvana {editing}

Chapter 7

The mind is everything. What you think you become. ~Buddha

Chapter 7

Nirvana

I stay in my room, even when I hear the front door open and Zephyr and my parents come in. I lock my door just in case one of them tries to talk to me and because if I see my mother's and especially my dad's face I don't think I'd be able to go through with this. None the less my dad softly knocks on my door. I open for him, I don't have the heart not to let him in.

"Hey Nive-Nive." My dad greets me softly, calling me by my old nickname. "Nive-Nive." I reply. "Haven't heard that one in a while." He sighs and sits down on my bed. His face is creased with years of smiles and laughter and years of frowns and heartache.

I remember when I was younger, Zephyr and I would climb all over him like a jungle gym. He'd support us with his big, strong arms and never once did he fall from the combined weight of us. He stood rooted like a tree. Every time we did that I thought my daddy was the strongest man in the universe only second to God.

Now he looks as if he can barely support himself. My dad's only 41 but in the last 24 hours it looks as if he's aged a whole decade and a half.

He glances at a picture hanging on my wall of Zephyr and I Easter egg hunting. We were about 5. Our arms are wrapped around each other and we have big goofy grins plastered on our faces, our baskets are filled to the brim with Easter eggs. We look so happy and lively. Those were the days.

I instantly wish I could zap myself to that exact moment. To that exact moment of little kid happiness and bliss. My thoughts are interrupted by my dad's voice. "When did that cute little girl turn into such a troubled teenager. So full of anger and resentment." My dad chokes up at the end. He quickly clears his throat and looks up at me. "When?" I fight the tears that threaten to spill.

I try to collect myself before I start to reply. I don't want my voice to reveal my true feelings. I hate crying in front of people especially in front of my dad. I fail and a hot tear escapes and rolls down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away and turn my face. "It's just who I am now. I've grown up to be the stubborn, mean, and ugly daughter you now know today." I reply stoically.

My dad sighs and rubs his fingers through his thick curly brown hair. "Now Nive you should know best out of everyone that I'm not good with all this emotional stuff and have a hard time saying what I feel. But just know any time you need to talk, you can come to me. You just have to open up."

We sit in silence for what feels like hours but musn't been more than ten minutes. Finally my dad gets up. He kisses my forehead and whispers goodnight. On his way out he stops in my doorway. "I know I haven' t told you this in a while and probably should more, but I love you and never forget that." My throat closes up and my eyes sting with tears. My dad hasn't told me he loves me since I was a little kid. When did he stop? Or did I stop?

I don't say anything. I don't even look up, because I know if I say I love you back I won't be able to leave. And I need to go. I have to go. He gently closes the door behind him. Instantly the waterworks start. I try to suppress the tears but they just keep on pouring like an unending geyser. I decide to take a shower to clear my head.

I look in the mirror and hate what I see. Every time I cry my scars get really red and look more prominent. My eyes are puffy and my nose is red. My skin is sallow and dry and there's a big dry spot on my left cheek.

I want to peel it off and keep on peeling til my whole face is red and raw to match what I'm feeling on the inside. I touch my scars and wish I could rip them off like a band aid. Then maybe I'll be just as normal as Zephyr. I swear I could kill myself right now. Right this second.