Getting to Nirvana {editing}

Chapter 6

We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves. - Buddha

Chapter 6

Nirvana

"What happened?" My breath hitches in my throat and I feel all the blood rush to my head like I'm swinging upside down on monkey bars. My mother takes a deep breath and sighs, tears pool down her cheeks. "Well it seems as if Zephyr's pregnant." Zephyr. Pregnant? Impossible! "But how..?" My voice trails off. Of course I know how Zephyr got pregnant. I'm well aware of the birds and the bees. But how?

Zephyr had everything going for her. Homecoming Queen, Captain of the volleyball team, countless peole at school who adored and looked up to her, and even wanted to go to Columbia University and major in journalism. Now all of thats messed up because of a baby. A baby. Zephyr has a baby growing inside of her. She's going to have a baby. No matter how much I rephrase it. Zephyr and a baby don't seem to fit in the same sentence. They sound wrong together.

"Why is she in the hospital?" This all seems like a bad nightmare. But unfortunately I can't wake up. "She passed out at school. They took her to the hospital, performed some tests and I guess they realized that she was..." My mom trails off. I fill in the blank in my head.

Pregnant.

"Where"s dad?"

"He's already at the hospital. I decided to wait for you. But you obviously skipped school and decided not to answer your phone." My mom looks at me pointedly. I hang my head in guilt. She sighs. "Well come on lets go."

The ride to the hospital is silent. Zephyr hangs over us like a heavy cloak. My mind still can't wrap around the fact that Zephyr's pregnant. It all feels like a bad joke. Any second I still expect my mom to shout, "Haha! Just Joking! Zephyr's not pregnant! Next time don't skip school!" But that's as likely as mice sprouting wings and flying.

I imagine how Zephyr is feeling, knowing that something is growing inside her like a freaking plant. Soon she'll start to show and then she'll have a baby. She'll be a mother. I'll be an aunty. Our parents will be grandparents. This thought deeply disturbs me.

Another thought that plagues me. Who's the father? Zephyr didn't have a boyfriend. She would have told us if she did. I mull over the likely candidates in my head. The list is composed up of all the guys I know she hangs out with. But the list is too long. Zephy is too popular. I come up short.

Why didn't Zephyr tell us she was pregnant? Why didn't she get an abortion? Why did she decide to keep the baby? I'm not one of those people who think abortion is wrong and whoever gets one is an evil person, who will burn in the fiery pits of hell for eternity. I think abortion should be up to the women, not the government or the people who tell her its wrong. I wonder if she told her friends. Why didn't she tell me?

*****

We enter the hospital and my mother talks to the receptionist. Meanwhile I'm trying to find a way to put off meeting Zephyr for as long as possible. I spot a gift shop. "Mom? Why don't I buy Zephyr a coffee?"

"Sure." She replies vacantly looking past me. "The room number is 212." I buy the coffee and on my way out I pass a display of pregnancies cards. I shudder.

For the past 5 minutes I've been trying to find the courage to enter room 212. The coffee is starting to get cold.

I walk in.

The first thing that greets me is my mom comforting Zephyr on the hospital bed. She has her arms wrapped tighty around her while Zephyr sobs quitely on her shoulder. My dad is in the corner. Head down,arms crossed against him. My dad has never been good at all that emotional stuff. Much like me, which is probaly why we get along so well. "I brang you a coffee." I meekly hold up the brown paper bag. No one looks up. I'm ignored as usual.

Suddenly this sight makes me angry. They should be yelling at her! I've gotten yelled at for less than a B+ on my report card! "So who's the lucky guy that got you pregnant?' The malicious words drip off my tongue like syrup. I immediately regret it. Everyone's head snaps up like they smell a fire. "Not now." My mom replies sharply. My sister looks up at me apologetically through her tears. I instantly feel bad but I still get even madder. Why do I always look like the bad guy and Zephyr the victim? Can't everyone see that I just want to feel as special and loved as her?

"If not now! When? Zephyr obviously wasn't worried about when she was going to tell us!"

"Enough!" My father roars from across the room. "Zephyr's going through a lot right now. She doesn't need this!"

"A condom! Zephyr obviously needed that!" The room is quiet. The calm before the storm.

"You know. You've always been jealous of Zephyr. Just thought you'd grow out of it by now." My mother looks at me pointedly and then goes back to comforting Zephyr.

Finally I understand. No matter how hard I try l'll always be the odd one out. I'll never fit in. I'll never measure up. "Why are you protecting her! She's pregnant! Little Miss Perfect turned out to be Little Miss Slut!"

"OUT NOW!" My father booms and points his finger at me accusatorily. "Fine! Have fun with your favorite daughter and future grandchild!" I yell back. "And here's your stupid coffee!" I fling the coffee at the window and watch as the thick caramel brown liquid splatters against the glass. And then I run out.

I'm going to France.

******

I run all the way home from the hospital and instantly start to pack. I dump all my clothes in an old suitcase I found in the attic and collect all the money I have. With the money from the poker game and the money I already have saved up it combines to about 400 bucks. Which is nothing considering the money I have to spend on baggage fees, food, and the hotel. I'll just have to make due with what I have. I'm definitely not stealing from my parents.

After I'm all packed, I think about whether I can do this or not. I think about Zephyr. I think about my parents. I think about Zack and what people are probably saying about me at school. Finally I think about my little niece or nephew growing inside Zephyr.

Yes. I finally conclude.

I can.