~My Agape And Eros In One~ (Yuri Plisetsky Love Story)

18

Today was the day. The men's Free Skate of the Grand Prix Final. This last event will determine who the winner of this year will be. And I have my fingers and everything crossed for Yuri. Sorry, dads and Otabek.

I was in the back with Yuri as always while JJ was the first one up. I can't believe I'm saying this, but... I kinda feel bad for him. But I shook that thought away once I heard that he was making a decent come back.

I just stayed quiet and leaned against the wall as I lifted my hood over my head. I wasn't having the best day so far.

I talked to Viktor earlier and he told me that he and Yuuri got into a little argument. He said that... Yuuri is planning to retire once he wins gold. And it broke my heart to hear that. I even wonder how Yuri will take the news. And I'm already worried enough about the Grand Prix as it is.

It may be the beginning for Yuri and I, but it'll be the final for others. Mostly for dad. At least, that's what I believe. I don't know why. And when my time comes... what if I do fail? What will happen? What if my secret jump accidentally gets me disqualified? What would I do then?

I was broken away from my thoughts when I heard the announcers state that JJ's total score was 300. 62. He really did make a comeback. And to be honest, I feel like I may end up losing to him with a lower score. I'll be Russia's laughing stock when I return with a failing score. And if my parents weren't disappointed in me before, they would be now.

Next up was Phichit. But while he was out there skating his best, I still stayed behind in the back room. I didn't feel like I could watch the others skate in my current state. But I know I had to. I had to be there for the others such as Otabek and dad. But my depressing thoughts were getting to me.

I pulled down on my hood as much as I could as I felt my eyes sting and go numb with tears. Damn me and my emotional breakdowns. I couldn't be here and let anyone see me.

I quickly got up from leaning against the wall and headed down the hallway, not caring about where I was going. I didn't care either way. I got to a hallway that was empty with people.

I leaned against the wall and just decided to have a nice cry here.

I'm so selfish! I'm not even the one skating out there and I'm here being a little crybaby bitch when I have people to cheer for. They were there for me when I needed it, yet I'm here ignoring them. How can anyone stand me?!

And it didn't help that when I perform out on the ice, my blood related family won't really be there to see me. I miss them so much. I miss mom's sweet voice and how she would sing lullabies to calm me down. I miss playing games with dad and telling funny stories to each other at night. I miss Vadik and how we would always hang out when mom and dad weren't home. I miss how he would tell me that I would do great things even though he would tease me for having a thin figure. But I love them. I miss them.

I feel like my life is breaking yet gaining at the same time. Although, the wounds I have can never be healed. It still hurts. And it hurts more that I'm affecting others around me.

Everything is just stressful and pressuring. I... don't think I can take it anymore. I've tried to deal with it and ignore it as much as I could, but it just keeps catching up to me. And more and more every time. Maybe.... maybe I should?... No. I-I can't do that. Not to Yuri. But still. Viktor did it. Well, he didn't really quit skating. He more so took a break for the season. If I were to do that, it would break Yuri's heart. I can't do that to my malen'kiy tigrenok.

Plus, I love skating. It's the pressure and stress that I hate at times even though I'm kinda used to it. It's scary for me, I guess. Knowing that I worked as much as I could while going through some situations only to fail completely in the end would hurt so much. And is it wrong that I don't want to go through any more pain? I just don't know what to do anymore. I try to keep my confidence, but it fades more and more withevery competitions. Even ones that I'm not competing in.