Wings |H.S.| |A.U.|

17

Apologize ~ Timbaland ft. OneRepublic (*)

••••••
Rayne ~~

Is it bad that I really want Harry to just rail me?

I'm being such a pussy about it though. I know it too. I can give him a lap dance and allow him to do a body shot off of me, oh and eat me out. And I'm fairly certain that I'd return the favor. With no shame. Or fear.

But I'm too scared to actually sleep with him. I'll probably never not be nervous to sleep with anyone. Not after the way he treated me. He gave me my first sexual experiences, but absolutely ruined all hope I had at feeling good during them. Or so I thought.

Last night Harry made me feel incredible. Weightless and heavy at the same time. I don't know how that makes sense but that's how I felt. He gave me the best experience of my life. I still don't think he knows how much that meant to me. To finally be able to enjoy the pleasures of life without feeling pain or emotional agony.

All that, and I still just can't go all the way. I want to so badly. I really do. I don't think there's anyone else I'd trust now other than Harry to do so. But there's still a part of me that's cautious and a little petrified to give in. Harry does seem like a rough guy in all aspects of life. Not saying he'd absolutely with no other option be that way with me, but I also never know.

On top of that, we're moving kinda fast. Not in a way where we're dating one day, saying I love you the next, and then getting hitched a month later. Just in a way that we've kissed and continue to kiss openly, are all about each other, and have established we aren't interested in fucking around with other people like we are together. I know that we aren't officially together though. Not in the labeled sense.

But I keep questioning, may I remind you for the first fucking time in awhile, if he does consider us to be together in a way.

I don't even know what I think though. So I can't really expect him to be thinking anything of it either. I'm actually glad we're handling things like this. Not giving a shit and just enjoying each other's company, among other things, and not having to label it or talk about what it is or will be in the future.

I've noticed how alike we are in that sense. We think alike when it comes to this obviously. I mean I think I can speak for us both when I say the last thing we need is a real relationship. We've got too many other fucked up issues to deal with.

Also we're both insane. Like really. But I guess that would mean we could handle each other.

Whatever.

I'm just thinking too hard about this shit. Who cares about what anything means. I'm having fun, for once in my life. Worrying about the meaning behind it will only fuck it up for me. So I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the ride for however long it lasts.

"You look stupid when you're deep in thought like that." Ardens voice snaps my thoughts away.

I scoff. "Ok and the moment I pull out a mirror you'll be able to see how fucking crusty you look. Don't get me started."

My favorite part of the day is when we roast each other. But that's also basically every minute of everyday so never mind.

"I'm crusty? When was the last time you showered? I can literally smell your vaginal stench from over here." He dramatically scrunches his nose and wafts fake fumes away from his face.