Still Holding On

Captivated

The past few days after the festive holidays has been boring and uneventful. After Tami met my family, she has been coming to ours quite a lot. At first, I thought it would be awkward seeing how my sister behaved during Christmas lunch, but she started to act friendlier towards Tami.

I was on a call with Tami, and I noticed how wired she was acting. "What's wrong Tam, you seem off today!" I asked.

"Nothing just thoughts. Don't worry love." She spoke.

"Tam, I'd like to think that I know you more than this. Spill the beans!" I whispered in a soft loving tone.

"There has been something I wanted to tell you for quite a long time now. But I am scared, scared to lose you." Tami continued. I remained silent for her to continue.

"That day, when you told me about Daniel, I was lost. I Didn't answer you because I was hurt, and I did something I regret doing. Please know that I was not mad at you and that any of this is not your fault." She said mysteriously.

"What did you do? Can you tell me?" I asked anxious.

"Promise me you will understand, and you will not judge me." Tami continued.

"I promise Tam, now tell me please. You are scaring me." I told her concerned.

"Anna, again please know that I didn't do this because of you. I.... I felt anxious and overwhelmed, I was desperate and scared you would leave me. I have been self-harming myself for quite a while now. I had stopped for weeks but I ended up cutting again." She mumbled.

Before I knew it, I was crying, I was mad at her for hurting herself and for not telling me sooner. "How could you?" Was all I could mutter?

I found it hard to believe what I had just heard. We had a very long conversation, but I decided to hang up after a while. I was not feeling okay, and I was not thinking straight, I was steaming mad but mostly hurt and disappointed.

I wanted answers but I also wanted to be alone at least for a couple of hours. I laid on my bed, trying to understand her and what made her do such thing. I could not, I was lost. The only thing I knew was that I could not talk to her, at least not yet. I had no words, and my feelings were all over the place.

I went straight to my room and stayed there for hours with no movement whatsoever, not even to join my family for dinner. At this point I was feeling a bit weak and dizzy, so I went to the bathroom to take a shower and stayed there until the water was cold. I turned the water off and got out, grabbed a towel, and dried myself. I put on my pyjamas and went to bed once again.

My phone dinged with a text from Tami. I eyed my phone, realizing there were multiple of them including dozen of missed calls.

Tami: Anna, please call me back, I need to know that you are okay. Please let me explain, hear me out. I need you to understand me.

This was her last message, I wanted to call her so badly, but I did not know what to say to her. This was all new to me and it freaked me out. I did not understand why someone would hurt themselves. I did not understand why she would do something like this.

Afraid of what she might do if I do not answer her, I decided to give her a call and ask her to meet up. After our brief conversation, I changed from my pyjamas to something comfortable and went outside waiting for her to pick me up.

Tami was in front of my house in a matter of minutes. When I approached her car, I noticed how shocked she looked, fear written all over her face, most probably thinking the worse of what might happen next.

I hopped into the passenger seat, starting up the heater as soon as she turned the engine on. The whole ride was quiet, and I kept thinking about everything that happened today. I looked at her intently as she continued to drive.

"Go ahead and ask." She said quietly.

I hesitated for a second but nodded. We needed to talk, I needed to understand her actions. I felt her hand on my thigh and closed my eyes as she squeezed it.

"Why do you hurt yourself?" I whispered softly. I saw her whole body stiffen in shock with my question. "Please, I need to know, I need you to open up to me."

"Oh Anna!" She said feeling guilty. "It's like when you wake up every morning unmotivated to do anything. Wanting to get control of a body which is not yours and never has been. Feeling a weight, weighing you down. A weight I cannot describe. The only relief I find is when I let go and hold the razor in my hands. My heart aches with every cut that bleed. Do I stop? Or do I go deeper?" I was shocked but let her continue. I needed to understand her for me to be able to help her.

"It is so hard living everyday behind the fake smiles, so nobody sees the struggles and the scars. It is hard living with the I am fine, so nobody sees how damaged I am. You are a ray of sunshine Anna, you cannot imagine how hard it is to be trapped in your own mind with painful memories, that all you want to do is cut, to feel that physical pain and numb the emotional one. You are my saviour."

I squeezed her arm and gave her a reassuring smile, but I could not help but wonder, how could I be someone's saviour. I mean I could be there for her and help her with whatever she might need, but a saviour, it is a bit radical.

The car was silent, I looked out of the window as the car got warmer and my face heat up. I could not help but feel a sharp pain in my chest. Once again, I was lost for words and found myself in a situation I had never been in. I kept shooting glances at her and Before I knew it, Tami pulled to a stop.

"Are you okay?" I sighed.

"This is where I come to think, I have never brought anyone here before." Tami said looking at the beautiful scenario in front of us.

There is something about sunsets that keeps me hooked up. Sunsets Give me a sense of perspective that calms my soul, which makes all the struggles shrink. No matter what I go through this time of the day gives me hope.

I was terrified and scared of what to come. How can someone experience something like this? I want all of this to stop, I want her to be free from the pain and free from all the demons that took over her mind.

I made it my purpose to show Tami the good in life, that not every person is toxic and that everything will be okay one way or another. I knew this would take a while, but I am not someone who backs away easily.

I pulled her close to me, into a tight hug as she placed her head on my chest. Her body tensed up and I moved one hand to hers and rubbed it, reassuring her.

"I'm here for you Tam, I mean it. You can come to me anytime and I don't care if it is in the middle of the night or early in the morning, I will always be here for you." I whispered.

"I had been drowning for so long, I forgot how to breath. You, Anna, are something else, you are my oxygen." She breathed out as I planted a kiss on her forehead.

I was captivated by her; I felt the urge to care for her and to protect her from all the demons that haunts her.