Still Holding On

A week before Christmas!

Christmas is said to be the most wonderful time of the year. For some it might be true but for others it is a whole different story. For me it was not always enjoyable, most Christmas days were awful.

At seven years of age, I have lost an incredibly special person in my life... my grandad. I was incredibly young, but I still remember every detail of that day. I remember clearly all the painful feelings surrounding me. I remember seeing my family distraught not knowing what to do or say except for crying hysterically. I remember my mum and dad putting on black clothes, with tired eyes and struggling to walk. She sat down beside me and explained she had an important errand to deal with and that I will be staying with the neighbours for a few hours. Even though she was heartbroken because of her father's passing, she still put on a smile and told me I will have two beautiful puppies to play with. The moment she mentioned puppies I was extremely happy and excited. However, I still felt sadness deep down. As soon as I saw the puppies, I got excited and looked forward to spending time with our neighbours.

I remember my mum picking me up after three hours and we headed to my grandma's house. There was everyone, my grandma, my parents, my aunts, uncles, and my cousins but someone was missing. My grandad... he was not in his room; he was not sitting down on his bed with chocolates in his hands. I remember feeling upset, upset because he was not there and something inside me told me he was never coming back. I ran to my mum and asked her where he was, I asked her if he were in hospital and to take me to him so I could wave at him as I used to do from the parking lot. I remember crying my eyes out, pleading for her to take me because he was waiting for me. My mum could not speak, she was lost for words and that is when my aunt came in. She held me in her arms and told me that he went to heaven, next to Jesus and next to all his beloved dogs. She told me that he will be watching me from up above and will always be with me wherever I go.

From that year Christmas was not the same and I often found myself sitting in a corner all alone, refusing to take part in any family event because for me we weren't a family anymore.

However, with Tami by my side I felt optimistic, I felt hopeful and was looking forward for Christmas. We've been together for three months now and I was eager to spend our first Christmas together, but I had one problem, How was I supposed to spend Christmas holidays with both Tami and my family at the same time without coming out to my parents.

Looking back at it I knew that Something was different within me, that I might be gay, I just never had the courage to start dating anyone of the same sex. I was in denial, could be I overthought about it way too much, that is before I met Tami of course. That is why I wasn't as angry as I should have been when I found out that Theo was Tami. Now that I have been with Tami for the past few months, I feel more secure about my sexuality.

Do not get me wrong, I wanted to come out, I wanted to scream it out loud! but what if my parents wouldn't accept me and the relationship I have with Tami. Frustration got over me and I was so thorn between wanting to tell everyone I was with a woman and keeping it to myself, but then again what was I supposed to tell them? This was my first experience when it came to women, and I did not really classify as queer. Confusion overwhelmed me and I decided to lie to my parents and called Tami to plan the whole thing out.

"Hey babe, how are you?" Tami answered.

"Hey, not bad... I was wondering if we could talk?" I whispered, scared of what the outcome will be.

"Um, yeah go ahead." She said back, confused of what I might ask.

"You know, it is Christmas soon and I am not ready to have that talk with my parents yet but at the same time I want to be able to spend Christmas holidays with both you and my family. I was wondering if we could plan something so I can come up with an excuse to them. Is...is that okay with you?" I asked her anxiously.

There was a moment of silence, and my thoughts were already all over the place, I paced back and forth, biting my nails, waiting impatiently for her reply. My breathing got heavier, and I was shaking, thinking the worst.

"Hey... Hey, calm down babe. You know I will do anything for you. I suggest you tell them you are spending Christmas eve out with friends and that you are sleeping over. Then ask them if you could bring one of your friends over for Christmas lunch. What do you think?" 

"GENIUS!!" I shouted. She was so calm and understanding. If she were next to me, I would have jumped on her and kissed her as much as my energy levels allowed.

After our call, I spoke to my parents and told them my plans for Christmas holidays, to which they did not object whatsoever. I felt bad lying to my parents as I have never had any reason to. All this excitement faded, and I got anxious.

'What if I get caught and end up in trouble with my parents. What if they find out with whom I would be spending Christmas with, and they kick me out?' My heart quickened and my thoughts raced to the image of what could happen.

                                    ***********

I stormed out from the eleventh store; it was a week before Christmas, and I was finally done with all the presents except for Tami's. When it came to Tami, I struggled because I wanted to find the perfect gift, something which was thoughtful and meaningful, but I was baffled and out of ideas.

The shopping trip was exciting but very exhausting. The shopping mall was jam packed with last minute shoppers scurrying along from one shop to another. Like a tired puppy I exited the complex and all I wanted to do is head home and take a nap.

On my way out I walked by A takeaway shop, I could smell the food that was being served and my stomach rumbled, I could not just keep going, and stopped to place my order, it was past lunch time, and I was clearly starving. I ordered as a takeout and headed home.

The ride back home took around thirty minutes and when I finally arrived, I went straight to my room, placed my shopping bags in my closet and took a well needed warm shower, put in the comfiest pyjamas I owned and headed downstairs.

I switched on the television, lit up the fireplace, and laid down on the sofa with a bag full of junk food which contained enough calories to feed three people. I removed the packaging of my hamburger and placed it flat on the coffee table, emptied the fries next to the hamburger and set my extra nuggets on the other side along with the chocolate milkshake and slowly devoured my food.

'Oh God!!! Fast food never tasted so good' I thought as I lowered my pyjama pants and laid more comfortably on the sofa until I drifted into a well needed nap.