Still Holding On

Thoughts

The last thing I remember was me leaving the house crying my heart out... and now, I am in the most beautiful part of the city, lying on a bench, all by myself. I was lost in my thoughts. Thinking about what occurred tonight, I must have walked for hours. It is so peaceful and quiet out here, nothing like my life right now.

My name is Anna, I am going to share with you one of the saddest chapters of my life. A couple of years ago I met this guy through Facebook, typical online dating, he messaged me, I replied. One thing led to another and there we were, inseparable! Our conversations would go on and on, endlessly. I felt like I could talk to him about anything and everything, and the best part of it all he was always there. Eagerly awaiting, attentively listening and astonishingly he always knew what to say... what I needed more than anything to hear. Talk about sparks or butterflies... Oh boy yes!! I was smitten. We obviously shared chemistry like nonother and undoubtedly, I knew there and then I was entering dangerous waters, I was falling... falling hard for this guy.

Our online courting went on, as we chatted non-stop for the weeks to come. I was so intrigued by this mysterious guy who showed up out of nowhere and entered my life through the screen of my computer. I had to meet him, I had to physically see him, be able to assert myself that this was real, I was not illusional. A guy like this really existed. Existed and was interested in me?

Ashamed of what he would think of me had I asked him for a date. I threw one hint after another, to get him to make the first move. Unfortunately, this only led to him sending me a couple of photos. Baffled by his behaviour I anxiously started getting nervous. I was questioning myself. "Was something wrong? Was it something I said? Or something I did?" My thoughts were getting the best of me, my self-esteem was dropping. I felt insecure and for the first time in my life I was scared... scared of losing someone... someone I had never met.

My mind was set and even so deep down, I knew something was wrong, this was too good to walk away from. I was hooked, I was getting what every girl desire to be given by the man of her dreams, his attention, his time. He was available, he listened, he was interested in my petty day to day mishaps. I felt important, cared for, even loved. It was like he understood me even better than at times I understood myself.

I felt like finally I was being accepted for the real me. Slowly I was rebuilding my confidence, my self-esteem. Around him, I could be myself without feeling the need to hide or change.

That is when I decided I would take the plunge, make the first move. l was so intrigued by this human that I could not resist the urge of finally meeting him face to face, gaze into his eyes, and assert myself that I was not high on some hallucinating drug. I could sense that my eagerness was not met from his part. "Was he shy? Wasn't he as captivated by me as I was by him?" This was driving me crazy. The more I could sense him resisting me the more I became captivated by him. Call it the thrill of the chase, call it whatever you want, I knew what I wanted, and I was not going to give up easily. I knew he was staling, however I felt he would eventually succumb to my demand, I too was important in some way to him.

A few weeks on, my perseverance resulted in a surprise video call. I was super excited when my phone beeped drawing my attention to accept a video call from Theo. "Could it be really him?" I enthusiastically answered the phone.

"Hey Theo, good morning what a nice surprise" I said excitingly. I scrutinized the image on my phone, it seemed so dim I could barely make a face just a dark silhouette. However, I was too excited about the fact that finally he had made a move and took things a step further to be petty about the quality of the video call, besides, I thought to myself 'Perhaps, he has poor reception.'

"Hey Anna, I hope you don't mind me calling, I just really wanted to hear your voice." he sounded hush.

"Oh, pleasant surprise indeed, I wasn't expecting this, I'm supper happy you did."

"Hush, not so loud" he cut me off with a smile "My parents are still asleep; I really don't want to wake them up so early. I knew you would be getting ready for work at this hour, so I decided to catch you before you leave the house."

"Yes, sure" I replied.

We chatted away for a few minutes, otherwise I would have arrived late to work. I was already late. However, none of that mattered. I was beyond ecstatic; I could feel a pain in the sides of my mouth were my smile stretched. He called me! he called me, wait no! even better Theo video called me.

This had become our daily routine. We would video call while getting ready in the morning and before bedtime in the evening. While we messaged each other during the day. I was becoming so consumed by this boy I barely realized I was eventually isolating myself from the real world.

One evening my friend Clara sarcastically splattered to me.

"Yeah right, go spend time with your imaginary boyfriend, such a better alternative to hitting the clubs with us. God forbit you might get yourself a real man."

I was angry at her. Furiously I hurdled home. "Oh! I will show her" I mumbled to myself. "Then again, show her what exactly? She was right! I was consumed by this kind of relationship. A relationship that could not be described, what there is between myself and Theo. An online digital relationship, lacking the pleasure of having someone's touch. Is this really what I want? Is such thing even possible, to be in a relationship with someone so distant? And there again, there I was Questioning myself, tears streaming down my cheeks, anxious, dubious of what the future holds for me. For us!"

The buzzing sound of my phone disrupts my thoughts. "Oh no! its him, what do I do? I am in no shape to answer his call." I was a mess. So, for the first time I decline his call. "Better this way, I will come up with something in the morning. I will say I went to bed early as I was not feeling good." I could not let him see me like this. "What if I said something I would regret." I was impulsive and irrational; my emotions took the best of me. I waited to calm down and processed things better in the morning, and with all those thoughts and emotions I drifted to sleep.

I sat up in my bed panting. It was still dark outside; I was sweating profusely. It Must have been a nightmare. However, I did not remember what it was about.