Still Holding On

Chaos!!

I woke up the next morning coughing up balls of Scarlet's hair. I tried waking her up to no avail, God this girl could sleep for hours without even moving a muscle.

"Ow what the hell Anna" she shouted as I threw her off my bed.

"Wake up sleepyhead, it's already 10 am"

"Oh, I am wide awake thanks to you" she said frowning as she disappeared in the bathroom.

When I got up from my bed, thoughts of Daniel consumed my mind. My lips where he kissed me and my cheeks where he panted that soft kiss, and without even knowing I found myself. However, just like a switch, my smile turned into a frown as Theo popped up and crushed Daniel's thoughts.

'What have I done? He will never speak to me again, I... have I cheated? I messed up.' My thoughts were getting the best of me, and my head was pounding. I could not shake off this guilty feeling, at least not until I come clean with Theo. I rushed to get my phone and I was shocked by the number of messages and missed calls I had from him.

"Anna, want to go out for brunch? We can invite.... Oh god what is the matter? You look as if you have seen a ghost" scarlet said clueless.

"I messed up everything, I am sure I will lose Theo now. After what I did yesterday, he will end up things for sure. That cannot happen Scar, I need him." I exclaimed sobbing. I tried to hold my emotions in, but this was bigger than me.

"Okay, calm down for a second, have you told him yet? Because if I were you I would not. I mean, technically you are not in a relationship." She said trying to soothe me.

I asked my cousin if she could leave as I wanted to be alone and give Theo a call. I needed to tell him everything about last night. At first, I thought to send him a message but then I decided to give him a call instead.

"What do you want Anna? I see you are free to talk now." He sounded angry.

"Theo, please don't be like this. Can I please explain myself?" I pleaded.

"Yeah, I'm listening, I guess." he said, and I sighed.

"Theo, I know I messed up yesterday by not answering your texts and calls, but I needed some time for myself. I know I should not have done such things buy I thoughts it was what I needed but unfortunately, I feel much worse. I have done things I should not have; I want to tell you everything, but I am afraid.... afraid of losing you" I said sobbing.

"Listen Anna, please stop crying. I mean I was angry and disappointed yes but come on, if you needed time for yourself, I could understand." He responded.

"Theo please let me explain everything. Scarlet and I went to the Tavern bar and there we met two guys. We went for a walk by the beach with them and I stayed alone with Daniel, one of the guys." My chin trembled.

"We talked for hours about everything and anything. He was there Theo, he understood me just like you do but I could feel him and touch him. I am not going to lie and tell you that I did not want anything to happen because I wanted a lot to happen. We kissed, Theo and I loved it, but now I wish it was you." I started to chew my lower lip and tears started to flow.

"As soon as I realized what I did I felt bad.... bad because somehow, I have you. This is not who I am Theo.... this is not me; I do not do these things. I am sorry, please forgive me." I fell to my knees, crying out.

Nothing, all I could hear was moans while he mumbled unclear words, swearing.

"Theo, please say something!" I said with a tightening in my throat.

"What do you want me to say, huh? I... I do not own you; you are free to do whatever you want." and with that he hangs up.

By 9 pm I had called and texted both him and Tami million times, to no avail. I panicked because I had no other ways to contact him, all I wanted was to know that he was fine.

All I wanted to do is disappear, to get away from everyone especially my mom, who went on and on about dinner. I had no appetite, all I wanted to do was talk to Theo, if only he would answer my calls and talk to me. I hid in the attic away from my family.

The attic is my safe place, I love spending time there. However, I was afraid of the dark. I sat quietly beneath the dimmed light of a small lamp on the other side of the attic and shut the door behind me, leaving the noise, worries and all my troubles behind. I settled in a cosy corner and got lost in the pages of my favourite book. Unfortunately, the soothing soon disappeared as a sense of guilt crept over me. I felt fearful as to where I now stood with Theo. After each page I read, I called or texted Theo but his phone was still off. A couple of chapters after I called again, and this time it ranged.

"Please pick up Theo, please" I pleaded, the call went to voice mail and as I was hanging up, I received a message, it was from him.

Theo: Stop calling Anna and go to bed.

Anna: Theo, please pick up, I want to make sure you are okay.

Theo: I am fine, now go to bed.

Anna: Please let me call you, Theo I promise I will not do it again, it is you I want, and no one will change that. Please Theo... please.

Anna: Okay fine, I must keep on calling you until you finally decide to pick up the phone then.

Theo: Yes, go ahead, do that and I switch it off again.

After that message I called for six times, and he finally picked up.

"Can you stop calling? Have you got an idea how annoying you are right now? I had to put my phone on silent and go to my room because of you. You know too well that I cannot do anything with my family around. Are you trying to get me in trouble or something?" God, he sounded so angry. Tears of pain ran down my cheeks.

"I.... I am sorry, I will hang up now, bye Theo" I said with thoughts whirled through my head.

"That was it, I messed up!" I mumbled while reaching my window.

Looking out through my window, and I Prayed to my grandparents. I wanted this pain to end, I cannot take it anymore. Theo left this void in me, a void nobody could fill. I could not hold the heartbreak any longer and I fell on the floor with mingled emotion, subsided in a flood of uncontrolled tears.

Anna: This will be my last message to you. I am sorry for what I have done. I hope that one day you will forgive me. Have a nice life Anna xx

I decided to text him one last time before I tried to get some sleep. It feels odd without him though, usually we would be on the phone chatting on unimportant silly things that made me laugh so hard. 'I can't have that now because I blew it.' I thought. Then I heard my phone buzzing. I picked it up, and to my amazement his name was on my screen.

I hurried and answered him.

"Oh my God, Theo!" I answered excitedly.

"Hey! Look Anna, I had time to think and calm myself down, I would like to apologize to you. Part of what happened the other night is all my fault. I got angry at you, but I should not have, because as I said earlier, I do not own you. By now you should know that I must be hiding something from you, it is not a secret. However, I am still not ready to say it aloud, but I promise you that if you wait for me a little longer, I will make you the happiest girl on earth." He said, sounding truthful enough for me to believe him.

"Yes, Theo I will wait for you, for as long as you need. I know now how stupid I was, and I am sorry" I replied, genuinely sorry.

"Go to sleep now, we will talk tomorrow. Have a good night."

"You too, thank you Theo." And with that I fell asleep.