Still Holding On

Your love is killing me

I stepped out of her room onto the terrace and found Tami sitting on one of the chairs smoking a cigarette. As soon as I walked towards her, I took out a chair and joined her.

"Anna, please know that I will never force anything on you." She said looking the other way. I took her hands in mine "Tami?" I barely say, caressing her hands. She turned to me and kissed me without a warning. She deepened the kiss passionately and violently all at ones and I moan into it. Tami stopped the kiss, stood up and pulled me along with her back to her room.

Tami was standing behind me, with my body pressed against hers. I could feel her breathing on my neck, sending goosebumps all over my body as she kissed my bare skin. Her hands moved up to my shoulders and got rid of the blanket I had previously put on to cover myself. Tami kneeled before me and without any sign she started kissing my clitoris. I could feel myself craving for more.

Tami groaned and throwed me on her bed. I yelped, surprised. She approached me, supporting herself on her arms as she postured herself on top of me. With a sparkle in her eyes, she moved her head down, wrapped her hands around my tits and sucked around my left nipple. I pushed myself higher as I moaned, grabbing the sheets beneath me with a tight grip. Her other hand trailed down my body and stopped on my clit, messaging it slowly. The more movement she did, the more I rose higher, wanting more and more.

Tami pulled away, leaving me panting for more. I opened my eyes and looked at her quickly wearing her strap-on. I found myself biting my lips, wondering how it will all fit. I spread my legs apart as she leaned down. She rubbed the tip against my folds as I got wetter and wetter with pleasure. Tami pushed inside of me as I clenched my nails down her back. I slay my hips coordinated with her every thrust within me. "Oh God!" I choked, as I pulled her face down, kissing her as I let go and reached the climax.

Tami pulled out of me and laid next me gasping for air. "That was insane." She said out of breath.

I moved on my side looking at her and started to work my way on her body. Tami stopped me, kissed my forehead, and whispered, "Not today my love, today was all about you." She then grabbed my hands and in hers as I rested my head on her shoulders and dozed off.

As I shifted from one side to another, I could not help but notice someone's eyes penetrating gaze on me. For a second, I froze, knowing I wasn't supposed to be there but then I saw her, sitting by her desk watching me sleep. She stood up and walked up to me kissing my lips.

"Coffee?" she offered, pouring some in a mug. I sit in the bed as I sips the coffee, wondering how was I supposed to leave this house, without getting noticed. Tami sat next to me as if she knew what was troubling me and put her hands on my tight. "Stop worrying, everyone left already, we're all alone." She said winking at me.

After our coffee, we got dressed and drove off to my place. Tami stopped the car in front of my house, I kissed her cheek. I opened her car door and walked to the front door. I stood behind the door looking from the window, Tami was still there, waiting as I got safely inside before she drove off. Still standing behind the door, I had a rush of emotions, thinking about last night's turn of events. I never imagined how comfortable I would be using such things, Tami made me feel at ease at all times. My cheeks rose and I found myself biting my lips just by the thought of it all. I was falling in love with her, over and over again.

                                      *********

Though her mum still did not approve of our relationship I started to visit her house often after our secret sleepover. I was at hers one evening, waiting for her to shower so we could watch a movie. She received a message on twitter from a girl named Hannah. Hannah was concerned and called her Theo. Jealousy took over me and I messaged Hannah stating that Theo was now taken and that I am his girlfriend. She did not believe me and indicated that Theo was in love with her and they had an online relationship, still existing.

I left the chat open and went to her room to pack my belongings and leave. Tami came soon after, disappointed. Her anger spiked and started shouting at me and asked why I had read her messages and spoke to Hannah. Tami was breathless with anger and started pacing back and fort murmuring words I could not make any sense of.

Rage rushed through me just when I started shouting as much as her. "I will never accept such things Tam, I am not a doll which you can use whenever you want. I thought I relationship was a serious one and that you loved me and only me. I guess I was mistaken. I have always treated you with respect, I have always been here for you. You always came first to me and I chose you over and over again. How could you do this to me? Haven't you learned anything from our story, and the way I felt when I found out about Theo." I yelled, burning with anger.

Tami's jaw tensed and her lips tightened as she stared at me. The room felt like it was closing in around us. There was nothing left, not even anger. Her face said it all, she could hardly keep herself together, she was shaking. Darkness gathered in her eyes as she left the room in tears.

I felt a sense of guilt running through me and immediately started questioning what I had said to her earlier.

I was steeped in guilt, and I started questioning what I said to her. I was afraid to face her and continued packing my stuff and decided to go back home. On my way out, Tami grabbed my hands, "Please stay, It is very late." She mumbled. I simply gave in and went back inside, I left my bag still packed near the bed, changed into my pyjama, and went to bed. Although I found it impossible to sleep that night. Pangs of guilt kept me awake, tossing and turning all night long. Tami didn't join me and slept next to Samantha downstairs instead.

I woke up at around 5am with sudden discomfort in my body, most probably because of all the tossing and turning. I rubbed my bleary eyes, wrapped myself in a blanket and walked out on the terrace. Shortly the orange and yellow bright crisp circle emerged in the sky, and golden rays of the sun lit on the city houses. I stood there quietly as calmness took over me. I was mesmerized.

Tami appeared soon after with two cups of coffee and some biscuits for both of us. I took a deep breath, it hurt my ribcage. "I can tell you were really upset last night. I am sorry for hurting your feelings with what I said." I murmured.

"No Anna, You don't have to be sorry. I am an idiot, and what I did was messed up. You were right all along, I am sorry. I hope you can forgive me." She continued.

"I woke up this morning feeling really awful, and I've done some thinking. The reason I got too heated last night was because I really miss what Theo and I had, I know that it shouldn't matter because you are him but I still miss everything about him and what we had. You have no idea how I felt knowing that what I was missing dearly was still somewhat alive and enjoyed by someone else's." I sighed heavily, letting my head drop.

Tears welled up in my eyes as Tami stood up and wiped them away. I broke down and sobbed heartbreakingly, struggling to breath. My heart started to pound faster in my chest as continued to struggle to breath properly. I tried to speak, to utter a single word but I couldn't, I felt like my life was running out of me. My body was weak, and I could see my fingers shaking uncontrollably.

"Anna, please calm down. What can I do to make you feel better." Tami Said calmly.

Nothing came out of me, I couldn't speak.

"It's okay, breath in Anna." She performed an inward motion with her hands. "And Out." She continued as I gripped Tami's clothes.

I couldn't understand what was happening to me until Tami mentioned that I was having a panic attack. I was drained and exhausted,I don't know how much time passed before I was able to steady myself. Tami helped me as I crawled to the bed and slept for a few hours.