Still Holding On

Falling for her

I was still drowsy from all the running and the rain, so I let Tami to take me home and She at once called for a cab. Until the cab arrived, we sat there not knowing what to say to each other. 'This was a mistake.' I thought .... I felt it in every cell of my body.

Droplets hit the windows as the driver started the engine and drove off. I was anxious to say the least, but the sound of rain calmed me down. However, I felt more at ease as I watched the raindrops racing down the windows.

I felt Tami's hand on mine and this time I did not pull away but instead I looked at her biting my lips. Tami came closer, heavy rain was now pounding against the car as the lightening gleamed. I shivered and saw Tami pulling closer smirking. She wrapped her hands around my shoulders and mumbled,

"The driver is peeking from the rare view mirror."

"Then let's give him something worth looking at!" I told her.

And without thinking it through I turned facing her and climbed on her lap. Tami put her hands around my waist still stiffed by my sudden move. Heat rose from my stomach up to my chest as our lips got closer. She brushed my lips with her thumb as I closed my eyes and let her tender lips touch my mouth softly. At first, I was nervous, in the mist of my adrenaline rush I forgot to breath but then she put her hand on the back of my head and she stroked my head, as if to reassure me.

Sparks flew in all directions, and everything disappeared around us. Time stopped and I did not care about the cab driver, it was just us two. After what seemed like ages, we finally pulled away, she looked at me and I rested my forehead against hers catching back on so much needed oxygen. She smirked and I grinned back thinking that a kiss like this was the beginning of something great.

"Ahem!" The sound of the driver's voice at once snapped us back from our trance revealing all earlier events and slowly my mind grasped the situation, I was in. Realizing what I did, I pushed myself of off Tami's lap, paid the cab driver and got out. I gave her one last glance as I walked away to my house embarrassed.

"Jeez!!! What have I done?" I mumbled as I set foot in my house. It was dark and quiet, it meant that I was alone. 'Thank God for that!' I thought and went straight to my room. Without hesitation I crawled into my bed, replaying everything I did in my head as a pink flush crept onto my pale face in embarrassment.

'Did I just kiss her? Does this mean I am forgiving her? Was I accepting Tami for who she is? and does this make me a lesbian? What will I do now? I have no idea how to get out of this mess.' I could not help it as thoughts invaded my mind.

My eyes flickered with exhaustion from all the thoughts and events from that evening. I felt blackness taking over me as my eyes got heavier and heavier until I finally drifted into an unrested doze. In the eight hours I have been in bed I woke up six times, every time, from a different nightmare. My family disowning me. Friends refusing to speak to me. The fact that Theo did not exist, and how Tami manipulated me.

After those horrible few hours of sleep, I rose to start my day. I stepped into the shower. My toes flinched as soon they touched the ceramic base. As the warm water hit my skin, my tensed muscle started to relax. I could not get yesterday's events out of my mind. I got out of the shower hesitantly and walked back to my room still soaking wet with just a towel around my body.

I wore an oversize shirt and put my hair in a messy bun and headed down for breakfast.

"Good morning, dear, I prepared some egg and avocado on toast for you." my mum greeted me as soon as I stepped in the kitchen.

"Thanks mum, are you working today?" I asked.

"Yes Ann, both me and your father are working till late today, I left some money on the kitchen counter just in case you need anything." she added while kissing my forehead goodbye.

When I was done with my breakfast I went back to my room and looked for my phone. I kept staring at it as it continued ringing for a couple of minutes. It was Tami but I refused to answer her and then I noticed the number of messages and missed calls I had from her. 'Oh no, I totally forgot about her and everything that happened yesterday!!'  I thought overwhelmed.

In her messages Tami asked me to meet up, so we can talk about everything that happened including the kiss. Hesitantly, I replied and agreed to meet her. To be honest I have no idea why I accepted to go but deep down I too wanted to see her.

I rushed and took a shower, I felt so nervous. I went to my room and Put on some comfortable jeans and a hoodie. I dried my hair and put on some light makeup.

Four hours later I rearranged myself, slipped on my Converse and stared at my reflection in front of my mirror. I took a deep breath and headed out.

The bus rocked me from side to side as it passed through familiar roads. It stopped after a while and I got off hesitantly. I walked to the same picnic area we were in yesterday and butterflies started forming in my stomach.

The more I walked, the more nervous I was. My palms got sweaty, and I started to second guess everything I was about to do. 'Is this safe? Is this what I really want? What if I make a fool of myself?'

My thoughts vanished as soon as I heard footsteps getting closer and closer. My eyes lazily trailed upwards, and there she was standing in front of me smiling. 'Yep ... No turning back now.' I thought.

Around us time stood still, and the atmosphere was filled with uneasy tension. We stood there looking everywhere but at each other not knowing what to say or do. I shifted slowly from side to side whilst Tami grasped her sweaty, nervous hands in her hoodie pockets.

My mouth was too dry to speak. I smiled at her like an idiot and muttered. "Hey, how are you?"

Adrenaline Engulfed me, my heart was about to explode, and my body wanted to run fast up the hills, but instead I remained where I was.
Tami smiled back as if she knew I was fighting battles in my head. "Thank you for coming, shall we?"

Tami nervously grabbed my hand and started fidgeting with my fingers, a tingling feeling spread throughout my entire body. We started walking, both lost in our thoughts. Nobody uttered a word; we just enjoyed this quiet moment together.

We settled on a bench watching a majestic sunset lingering on the horizon. I felt her gaze on me and I glanced up and caught her watching me instead of the beautiful scenario before us.

She leaned forward and gave me a light kiss but before she pulled away, I threw my arms around her neck and covered her lips in a long warm kiss. Tami deepened the kiss, nibbling my lower lip, and I melted in her embrace, unable to resist myself. I laid my head on her chest hugging her.

The laughter and chatting of the people in the park have died along with the light of the day. We stayed hugging for what felt like ages. I knew that I had to break the ice and say something 'but what?' I thought.

I cleared my throat, "Look Tam, obviously by now you must have noticed that I somehow forgave you, about everything that happened in these couple of months. I have thought about all of it, and I am open to try whatever we have between us."

"But how? How can you forgive me after all the lies and heartache I caused you? I do not deserve you Anna, I am still embarrassed of my actions. I understand if you want more time, or you want nothing to do with me."

"You didn't listen, did you? I said I will try, because for some reason I want to be with you." I claimed.

Tami pulled me in a loving hug, my frame moulding against hers. Her hug was stronger than anything I have ever known. In that moment of feeling her so close to me I realized that I was falling for her head over heels.