Ness' Comet

Ch 54: What I Want

I knew what would be awaiting me when I arrived home that afternoon. I dreaded having to get through the remainder of the week until Friday came around, and I could go loiter at Lizzie's for a couple of days. I let out a deep breath and turned the car off. Then, I checked my phone and strangely, I had no missed calls or lingering texts to address. It was a bit odd to say the least, but in a way I was grateful because I wouldn't have responded to them anyway. I also remembered that Alice would have told Edward and Bella if there was something they should be worried about with me, in which case they wouldn't have even waited for me to reply to a silly text message.

I hoped out of the car, my nearly empty backpack slung over my shoulder, and trudged up the steps to the front door. It opened before I even had a chance to put my hand on the door handle. Bella stood in the doorway, apprehension and concerned etched all over her features.
"Excuse me," was all I said to her, trying to keep the attitude out of my voice. She looked like she wanted to say something scolding but didn't, before moving aside to allow me through.

"Renesemee," she began, her tone unsure.

I groaned. "What!?"

"Don't take that tone with your mother," chimed in Edward, who seemingly appeared out of nowhere like always.

"Don't speak to me as though I'm a child." I countered, my tone stern.

"Honey," continued Bella. "We just want to help you. I hate seeing you so upset."

"Then maybe you should have told me the truth a long time ago!! Or you could have at least told me you knew this would happen!"

She looked momentarily confused. "Knew what would happen?"

I rolled my eyes, but before I could answer Edward said, "What happened between her and Jacob."

Normally I would have been annoyed and told him I could answer for myself, but in this instance I didn't have the energy to care. I thought momentarily about where Jacob was and if he was okay, but quickly pushed those thoughts out of my head before Edward could respond to them. Clearly he knew better this time and didn't say anything to address my thoughts on Jacob.

Bella sighed. "You wouldn't have understood for a very long time. We weren't trying to hurt you. Alice said-"

I cut her off. "You people rely far too much on Alice! We all know her visions aren't the end all be all! So stop using her as an excuse to treat me like I'm incapable of handling anything, and especially like I don't have feelings like everyone else! Do you guys understand how lonely and depressing my life is sometimes? And how horrible it is to hear you debate whether or not to kill the only real friend I have because she may or may not have seen something she shouldn't have? Or to learn that someone I've known my whole life, who I think I have feelings for only reciprocates those feelings because his stupid wolf genes tell him he has to? Or to see that every single person in this family is a different species than I am, and so is the rest of the world?!"

I ended practically screaming, which was the most unlike me I've ever behaved. I didn't recognize myself for a second, or even my own voice. I didn't realize until it all came folding out just how angry and sad I'd been for a very long time. I knew in many ways I was lucky, but at the same time there was always an overwhelming sense of isolation I felt my whole life. I could very literally say that I was in fact different from nearly everyone else. I had nobody, or at least nobody I knew personally, who could share any of my experiences with me. There was nothing I could say to anyone that was relate-able, and nothing they could say in response to make me feel understood. I couldn't even go to a therapist! It's not like I could walk in there an explain that I'm a cross breed of a literal vampire and a human, living in a coven of adopted vampires while pretending to be human! They would think I belong in a straight jacket! Not to mention it would get us in some serious trouble with the Vulturi who already had it out for my family. So often I wished I could run away and go off on my own for a little while. But I was still too human and fragile to run off into the woods and survive that way like most vampires.

Both of my parents stared at me in stunned silence for what felt like a long time.

"Renesemee," Bella finally uttered. "I'm so sorry baby. Really I am. I don't know what to say."

I let out a deep breath. "Neither do I," I replied. "But I know that right now I really don't want to be here. I talked to Charlie and he said I could stay with him for a little while."

Both Bella and Edwards eyes widened. "You what?" Said Bella, her tone more hurt than anything.

"I need to be alone," I asserted. "I want to be alone. I'm going to stay with Charlie and Sue for a little while, while I figure some things out."

Another silence hung in the air.

"And what about Jacob?" Asked Bella cautiously.

"What about Jacob?" I retorted.

She opened her mouth to say something but then apparently decided against it.

"If this is what you want," she murmured. I felt momentarily guilty, but at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to stay. I wasn't even sure what I was feeling anymore, but I knew I couldn't figure it out if I didn't have somewhere to contemplate things without interference. If there was anybody in the world I could be around who wouldn't ask questions, it was my grandfather.

"This is what I want," I whispered.