Empyrean Iris Story Collection Vol. 3

Fun Facts

Its time for "Fun facts about humans!"

Now let me translate that to you directly. Because, when I say, fun facts about humans, I actually mean, THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF

You see, I title this essay a little more benign, I might be able to circulate this information to a wider audience, therefore warning as many people as I can about the dangers of being anywhere near a human, or being friends with a human. Prepare yourselves for years, and years, and years of anxiety ridden rage as you simultaneously fear for their safety, and fear for the safety of others. Watch humans do stupid things for any reason relating to altruism all the way down to pure curiosity.

There is no in between with them, one moment I am worried about what they are going to do to me, and the next moment, I am worried about what they are going to do to themselves.

Fun fact number one: Humans are stupid.

And I don't mean the kind of stupid which is like, animal kind of stupid, where their brains just aren't big enough to process information and function like your brain or mine: I mean the kind of stupid where they are perfectly capable of being smart highly evolved beings, but CHOOSE to do stupid things, or have stupid feelings. Here are a list of the stupid things humans do.

1. Playing with fire! As if this couldn't get bad enough! PLAYING _ WITH_ FIRE. Can you think of a worse word to be used with the word playing! Might as well say, playing with Uranium, or playing with acid, or playing with highly volatile predatory animals – oh WIAIT- humans do that too. But back onto my main point, humans love playing with fire. They LOVE it, the most dangerous substance known to common humans and they love nothing more that to just light everything on fire. They cook their food with it, they lite blocks of wax to let off aromas. They light burning sticks and INHALE THE SMOKE. Or they just simply light a match and try to put it out with their fingers. Yes they just TOUCH fire. They WALK on the fire. How does this NOT sound crazy to you, and they expect ME to take care of a SHIP full of an entire species of LUNATIC PYROMANIACS! Not as if this couldn't literally be WORSE when they light explosives on FIRE. Humans love lighting things on fire SOOOOOO much, that most of their major holidays are primarily concerned with seeing who can blow up the most things. They love this so much that they figured out ways to add pretty colors to the things they were blowing up just in hopes that it would look more aesthetically pleasing.

I HATE HUMANS. LUNATICS. PSYCHOTIC LUNATICS.

....

I have been visiting another medical practitioner who has determined that my circulatory fluid pressure is through the rough. It's like the equivalent to my blood pressure. He says that I need to find ways to relax and calm down.

Guess Ill be calm when I am dead.

2. Fun fact number two: Humans can just straight up die for no reason. Not even kidding. The most dangerous species in the galaxy and they can be thwarted by a piece of corn going down the wrong tube. Of course, when I say no reason, I actually mean DUMB reasons. Do you understand the things I have to protect humans from. CHOKING being one of them. Did you know that the human ability to speak evolved when their voice box and trachea migrated to a lower part of their throat? This also means that the ability to speak made them more prone to just simply CHOKING TO DEATH WHILE EATING. FOOD can kill them.... The STUFF THEY NEED TO LIVE.

Whatever GENIOUS designed the human body, though it would be a GREAT idea to simply have the breathing hole and the food hole be the same thing, but if their stupid FOOD HOLE gets clogged by, guess what, FOOD than they can no longer BREATHE and they DIE. Not to mention the HUNDREDS of times I have seen a human accidentally ENHALE water when drinking which you think would be a HORRIBLE IDEA, but they do it anyway. Yeah sure just let me breathe in a nice big gulp of air while I am drinking some water, that sounds like a great idea.