Beautiful Days

Chapter 39 -All's Well That Ends Well-

Finally the door opened and revealed my Esme…

She stood unsure in the doorframe with Carlie holding her hand and Haven in his car seat. Even judging from the first glance I could see that she was feeling exhausted… She was paler than usual and appeared to have slept less than she should. At last she met my eyes timidly. All the anger, pain, hope, guilt I had felt vanished as I looked into Esme’s hazel eyes… I was lost in a deep sea of honey as she met my gaze and I wanted to never resurface…

Neither of us said anything, but our shared look said more than a thousand words. I could see Esme’s apology and guilt in her gaze, the need for harmony and love, but also buried deep inside, almost hidden, hurt for what I had said and done… I hoped she could recognize my so far unspoken apology and regret in my own eyes as she looked intently at me. The distance between us, though how intimate our gaze was, bothered me to the point where I wanted to reach forward and engulf Esme in a tight hug. As it was I was glued to my place without a means of escaping.

Neither of us moved or said something, but our miracle did… Carlie let go of Esme’s hand and toddled over to me. “Daddy,” she whispered as I kneeled down and embraced her tightly. “Hello, darling,” I whispered and kissed her cheek. “How are you doing?” I asked with a smile. “Good… I’ve missed you,” she whispered into my ear and held me closer with her tiny arms using as much strength as she had. At her words I cautiously glanced over at Esme as she stood there, looking more broken than before. She was near to tears at our daughter’s words and surely gave herself the fault for her feelings…

I kissed Carlie’s forehead a last time and gave her another hug before I carefully set her on her feet and gently led her into the direction of Alice, as she was in the winter garden since she early morning hours. “Your sister Alice is home as well,” I told her and she happily ran in the direction of her big sister. Esme carefully set the car seat down and closed the door behind her. I hadn’t even noticed that it had been open all this time… I glanced at Haven, but he was sleeping soundly. I smiled seeing his peaceful smile on his lips.

I looked back to Esme and she was looking at me unsure as well. I stepped forward to close the torturing distance between us. I didn’t know what gesture was right, which words would be proper right now, so I listened to my feelings and not my head for this instance and without thinking opened my arms in invitation.

Esme’s eyes widened in surprise at my gesture, but with tears in her eyes closed the last feet between us and hugged me close, her cheek against my shoulder. “I’m sorry,” were her first words, muffled against my chest. She immediately looked away when she had uttered the words, but to my surprise she did look up again and fully met my gaze. “I shouldn’t have run…We should have talked it through,” she told me earnestly.

“No, Esme, you made a decision for yourself and I don’t blame you,” I told her honestly. She sobbed quietly and I leaned my head against hers in a gesture of comfort and forgiveness. I would have endured everything to have her back in my arms…

“I just felt like you would patronize me, thinking that I was too weak to handle it all…” she whispered. I gently rocked us both from side to side while I spoke. “I haven’t realized it until last night and you have my word that I won’t ever treat you like that again. I promise… Please believe me that I with no means wanted to patronize you, I felt, maybe foolishly, that I needed to protect you, to keep the bad news away from you for as long as possible. I thought it would stay only a thought as long as you wouldn’t know…”

“I know that,” she whispered and loosened her grip on me to look me properly in the eye. “It was too much last night…” she sighed. “I was completely overwhelmed by the information and then you had told everyone before me…Everyone was always asking me if you had told me something, but no one wanted to tell me about what… I was worried sick to the point where I thought every terrible figment of my imagination was reality… That you also treated me like a terribly breakable porcelain doll only added to it,” she admitted with sad eyes.