Everyone Has Secrets

Chapter 18

As she stood, leaning against the balcony, and looking out at the ocean tinted orange with the sunset, she couldn't help her mind drifting back. Back to almost three years ago. The day that changed everything for her. The pain was still unbearable, and it felt as though it had only happened the day before. It took her a moment to realise her hand was gripping on to the cold iron of the barrier in front of her as tears fell down her cheeks. Tears she didn't want anyone else to see. Hence why she had run away to Italy.

She thought back to this day three years ago. The panic she had felt, the pain, the fear. They said there was no reason for it, that nothing she did or didn't do caused it, but she couldn't believe that. She'd flown to New York when he'd begged her not to go, she thought she'd be fine, she had no reason to think she wouldn't be fine. But then only an hour before she was due to speak at the conference... she didn't really remember it all that clearly. She had been in pain, there'd been blood. So much blood. And Addison. Addison had been there, had tried to keep her calm, tried save her baby.

She'd been rushed into the ER and Addison had been there from the get go, never leaving her side. The contractions couldn't be stopped, Addison tried everything. Meredith truly believed that Addison did everything in her power to stop the pre-term labour, but in the end nothing could be done. Her baby had been born and the number of complications... to this day she couldn't even remember them all. She just remembered her baby not crying, everyone was rushing around, and Addison was trying to keep him alive. Keep him breathing.

She didn't even get to see him for at least the first 18 hours of his short life, and she was pretty sure she'd been sedated at one point. She just remembered crying, a lot. And he wasn't there. Brian wasn't there.

Her mom flew out, Cristina flew out, but Brian wasn't even there until the final day. Four days later. Her baby lived for four days, two hours, and nineteen minutes. It had been too much, she had to make that decision. She couldn't handle seeing him in so much pain, and she had to make the decision to let him go. On her own.

She leaned forward against the balcony, tears streaming down her face as she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block it all out. She didn't need to keep going over it all in her head, it was just too much. This is why she went away for a week. This is why she ran away to the small town in Italy, and holed herself up in a hotel room for a week, cutting herself off from everyone and everything.

Meredith couldn't be around people. Not this week. Not her family, not her friends, and not even Cristina. Her hands wrapped around her middle as she went back inside the hotel room, the slight chill of the night getting under skin. Her phone rang from the side table just as she walked back in and she quickly glanced over the name on the screen. She wished he would just stop calling her. He needed to stop. She grabbed the phone, a wave of anger taking over as she answered the call.

"What?" she snapped down the phone.

"Meredith," she heard him breathe on the other end of the line.

"Why do you keep calling?"

"I'm checking up on you. I miss you. And I... I'm in pain too."

"You say this. You always say this. You weren't there. You don't know."

"Noah is my son, too."

"Then where were you? When I needed you, when he needed you, where were you?"

"Meredith, I'm sorry. How many times... I'm so sorry, about everything. Let me be there for you now. Let me help."

"Brian, I can't... I can't breathe. How are you supposed to help now? It's too late now."

"I understand your pain, Meredith."

"You weren't there."

"Where are you?"