Everyone Has Secrets

Chapter 24

There was still another hour before her patient was due to arrive, and she found herself just wandering the halls of the hospital. She could probably go and find out where Brian had gone to, or even troll the ER for something to keep her busy, but she couldn't get out of her own head about what had happened in Derek's office.

She couldn't just go around almost kissing him. She was supposed to be making things work with Brian, she couldn't be letting herself get close to Derek, almost slipping again. It was obvious she was still attracted to him, and even though it felt like more than a sexual attraction, she loved Brian. She knew she loved Brian, and she had to stay true to him, stay true to her word of trying.

He was being pushy, though. Talking about finding a house for them to live in, assuming she'd just move out to Sacramento. Sure, she travelled a lot, and maybe it didn't matter so much where she lived, but she liked coming home to Seattle. Her family was here, and Maggie planned to move out here once she'd finished med school. Cristina was here, her person. Her apartment, the nursery. She didn't want to give all that up. It felt like she'd be giving all that up to go and live with a boy, and as much as she felt like she loved him, Cristina had a point. He had hurt her. He hadn't been there for her when she needed him, and then...

There was so much there. It wasn't like they could just say they were going to try again, and everything would be perfect and happy. They still had to talk about everything that had happened. They'd barely even spoken for two years before he came back into her life a few weeks ago. And she was pretty sure he was under the impression they'd just carry on as if nothing ever happened.

"You've got that far away look on your face," a voice startled her slightly and she looked up to see Addison watching her, a look of concern on her face.

"Just thinking about things," she shrugged, wrapping her arms around herself.

"I saw Brian earlier," Addison sighed softly, "I assume he's here with you?"

"Yeah," she nodded, shrugging again.

"Mer... I've seen a lot of couples go through something similar, what happened in New York was hard on both of you, but the way he reacted... I don't know. You deserve better than that," she moved to stand next to her, leaning against the wall, "I was kind of glad to hear you'd been keeping your distance from him."

"I thought I was doing the right thing, staying away from him. I don't know what changed this time," she sighed.

"We all do questionable things when we're hurting," Addison shrugged, "When does he go back to LA?"

"I don't know, I think he's trying to get me to go back with him. I said we could try again, and he's immediately talking about moving in together and it completely panicked me... if I didn't have my patient coming in, I'd be on the next flight out of here halfway across the world," she laughed sadly, running her hand over her face as she took a breath, trying not to cry.

"Wait, you're... you're with him?" she frowned slightly.

"I mean... yeah, I guess so," she shook her head slightly.

"You don't really sound happy about that."

"I want to be happy about it. Being with him... it's familiar, and comfortable. I know him, he knows me, we have history together. I owe it to him to at least try."

"You look pretty miserable about it," Addison shrugged, "And you deserve to be happy, Meredith."

"Everyone keeps saying I look miserable. You, Cristina, Derek."

"Derek?"

"Yeah," she sighed softly, "I don't know. He's a good guy. I shouldn't put any of this on him. I know he likes me; I know he wants more, but I shouldn't complicate his life. He has Maddie to think of, he shouldn't have to deal with my crap too."