Everyone Has Secrets

Chapter 22

"How long do you actually plan to stay for?" Meredith asked Brian, sat on the couch in her living room with her legs crossed beneath her as she nursed a cup of tea.

"I mean, I hadn't really thought that far ahead. As long as you want me here, I guess," he shrugged, sitting down opposite her.

"Oh," she breathed, lifting the mug to her lips as her eyes fixed on the floor.

Now that he was here, she felt like she had missed him, missed having him around. They had such a big history, it wasn't something they could just ignore. And she couldn't even say she didn't love him anymore, because she did still love him, that's not why they had separated. She hadn't even really wanted to separate at the time, it was just... it was easier. Without him there, she could forget about her grief and just get on with throwing herself into work. Seeing him again, it brought back all the grief she felt. But at the same time, he was the first man she had properly loved, and the first person she felt truly loved her back.

"Did you want to order in some dinner, or I can cook?" he offered.

"I'm not hungry," she looked up at him, snapped out of her slight daze, "I mean, if you want something feel free."

"Are you okay if I stay here? I can always get a hotel if you'd rather be alone," he sighed, his sad eyes meeting hers.

"I don't mind," she said in a soft whisper, her lips pressing together a moment as she hesitated before speaking again, "I don't want to be alone."

"Meredith, I don't know what we're doing," he said, matching her whisper as he moved closer to her on the couch, "but I don't really want to stop."

"I... Honesty, honesty is good and I don't want to mislead you, or anyone else, and my head is so messed up right now, I don't think my head has felt this messed up since you gave me that ultimatum and we didn't speak for like a week until I agreed to be in a relationship with you, when I realised I loved you," she took a small breath as she forced herself to stop rambling, feeling his hand touching her knee.

"Breathe, just tell me what you're thinking," he said softly.

"Derek... the doctor you met today, with... Maddie his daughter. Before, when I was acting chief, we were kind of, not together, I don't think, but we were having... a lot of sex. And I had been thinking about more, we went on a date before I left for Italy. Things have definitely changed, though. I didn't know he had a daughter until today," she released a harsh laugh as she took another sip of tea.

"He didn't tell you he had a daughter?" Brian raised an eyebrow at her, "That's... I don't really know what to think of all that."

"He... he has a daughter, I can't... I think that's over. It should be over, I can't... No. Anyway, I figured I should tell you that, I guess," she shrugged, setting her mug down on the coffee table before leaning back against the cushions, stretching her legs out over his lap.

"You were thinking of trying to move on?" Brain asked, his hand resting on her thigh.

"I hadn't really seen it that way. I was avoiding the whole relationship think but he was... persistent. Quite like you, actually."

"And now?" Brian asked, one hand still on her thigh while the other reached for her hand.

"I don't know," she murmured, "being around you... I don't think I ever stopped loving you. I think I'll always love you..."

"But?"

"But there's a lot of... history, and so much has happened."

"It's not all bad history," he sighed softly, leaning closer to her.