Everyone Has Secrets

Chapter 43

She ached for him. The hollowness of her chest craved his touch, his hold, as though it would be the only thing that could remedy her foul mood. It was completely irrational.

Her fingers pulled through her hair as she took it out of the tie, making her way down the empty corridor. She couldn't control what happened in the OR, she knew that, but it just felt like something completely avoidable, somehow, even though it hadn't been. An hour out from finishing the procedure, a simple aneurysm clip, and her patient's heart had simply given up.

She shouldn't have even been operating. She was doing her mother, and Derek, a favour. They still hadn't filled in Nelson's attending position, and they wanted to avoid cancelling as many procedures as possible without over stretching the hours of the attendings still on staff. There was no way she was going to see Derek working all hours to cover them himself.

But she had been operating, and the patient didn't make it. It had been a while since she'd lost a patient, even when doing riskier procedures, and it was probably hitting her harder than it should be.

She paced outside Derek's office door. She didn't want to bother him, but she needed him. She needed his comfort, but she was too proud to admit it.

Death was the worst part of being a surgeon. You were supposed to be the trusted one, the one to make people live longer, live better and happier lives. But some people just died. Whether that was in or out of her hands. Except every death hit her personally. She cared about each and every one of her patients.

She stopped pacing. She leant against the wall, beside the door. At least it had been her last patient of the day, and then tomorrow was Sunday, her day off. One hand gripped the other, lowering her head. She could just go home, get ready for her evening with Cristina.

Both had a lot of catching up to do. Recently, if she hadn't been working, she was spending time with Derek and Maddie, or she'd been sorting her shit out with Brian. She just needed a good, old-fashioned drinking night with her best friend. She had no idea what was going on Cristina's life at the moment, and she knew that wasn't right.

She also looked forward to being able to drink tequila with her. That was always her favourite thing to do. The best way to destress. Especially after losing this patient.

Maybe it wasn't the best that she was using alcohol in this way, but for now, it was working.

She turned her head, looking to Derek's office door. She should just go in. It was nearing the end of his shift anyway, and she wanted to see him before either of them left the hospital. She still hadn't seen Maddie since she got back last night, and while she was really looking forward to seeing her again, she couldn't spend all her time with her. She didn't want to be another person in her life who abandoned her. There wasn't any guarantee she'd permanently be in her life, as much as she wanted to be.

She shook her head, not wanting to think about that right now. It was far too early in her relationship with Derek to be thinking about that right now.

She released a sigh, opening up the office door. She met his eyes with a brief smile.

"Hey, I was just finishing up, aren't you supposed to be in the OR right now?" A small frown accented his features.

"Supposed to be." She shrugged, collapsing into a chair opposite his desk. "Heart gave out about half an hour ago, couldn't bring him back."

"Oh, I'm sorry." The frown deepened, and she waved him off with her hand.

"It's okay, I'll be fine, just hasn't happened in a while, I guess." Meredith ran her hand over face, propping her chin up with her fingers as she gave him a hopefully reassuring smile.