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That asshole.
That fucking asshole.
He has no right to mention those things. I do eat. I ate this morning while I was with Betty. I had a tea and a small fruit cup. A full fucking breakfast.
That's asshole.
I left that store really quickly. Not even saying goodbye to Mitch and quickly brushing past Sophia just muttering a simple "excuse me" since she was blocking the door to the exit.
I'm not upset that he said what he said. It was true, he was just making an observation. He could have been nicer about it but that not why I'm upset. I am upset that now I am forced to think about my past. The pain that comes with that. I'm upset that no matter how hard I try, I can't just get over this.
I walked home without crying once. Once home, I fell onto my bed. "Kitty!" I yell out, "C'mere sweetheart!"
Right on cue my sweet boy comes pitter pattering in and he hops on the bed. He looks at me for a minute and then he begins to whine. I think I am upset him.
"Kitty, do you think I eat enough?" I ask him, honestly expecting some sort of answer and then he lets out a small growl before barking one single time.
"I'm gonna take that as a 'yeah mom, you do eat enough.'"
I begin to cry. Before my eyes were just watering but now silent tears turn to deep sobs as I sit myself up and pull my knees to my chest.
Nice going. You are so skinny you look like a freak. Like a skeleton. Harry doesn't want to be with someone like you. Someone who could blow away in the wind. You couldn't though. You couldn't blow away in the wind even if you tried. You are so fat. You are so ugly. He hates you now. He is gonna leave you and be with Sophia. She's beautiful. She's what you want. You'll never be enough for him.
My mind is a violent place.
I want to close my eyes and make it stop but it won't. It never will. When I'm awake, I can hear my own voice whispering disheartening truths and when I fall asleep I see flashbacks of my childhood like a movie.
It is like a black and white movie rolling and I'm the star. I am the star of my own tragedy, my own pain.
I moved away from my mother and father only to become just like them to myself. Always putting me down. I'll never win.
I begin sobbing harder, violently breathing when I hear a loud knock ring though my house and straight through my sensitive ears.
I leave it be. I don't want to speak to anyone right now.
The knocking starts again and this time it doesn't stop, the unknown source keeps pounding on my door. It isn't until I hear a familiar voice, the frantic voices in my head stop talking.
