The Truth About Life

-Gabe: Chapter Seven-

Your teenager yelling that they hate you, are words no parent wants to hear. This is a punch in the gut.

 I know we have our outs with our kids sometimes, but with Chase and Audrey telling me they hate me every time I turn around, it's a lot to take in. Little girls have a special place in their dad's hearts, and I'm thinking right now Audrey would rather die than claim me as her dad.

Man, visiting Chase and Audrey every weekend is taking its toll. Not that I don't want to visit, to help in Chase's healing, but it's taking its toll on Penny and the kids. Penny would never say anything, but I can tell in the weary and sad look in her eyes that it's been hard these last few weekends, me leaving every Friday night to be with my kids.

Her and the kids, Alexia and Joel, are incredibly sweet. I know my kids accuse them of being robots, but if they only knew what Penny and her kids have been through maybe they wouldn't judge so harshly.

And Olivia. She looks at me like I'm a stranger, the accusation in her eyes is almost too much.  I didn't want to hurt her, that's the last thing I wanted. But what happens when I'm hurting in our marriage? Do we stick it out forever? I just couldn't.  It was getting so hard. The love, the marriage, it had been over a long time.

I was 19 when I fell head over heels in love with Olivia the moment I saw her. She was beautiful, vibrant, refreshing. Everything I could ever want in a woman.We met when some buddies and I went camping at the Big Lake Resort where she worked weekends.

She had her crazy, curly hair pulled up into a sky-high ponytail, her freckle-smattered face was tanned and glowing from being outdoors all summer. And her eyes, the ice blue-green of them. With little flecks of gold. You could get lost in them. She was always smiling and laughing back then.

She was always spontaneous when we first met. She had all these hair-brained ideas that I couldn't help but go along with.

I remember one time, it was getting close to midnight, the campers in the campground were all down for the night. Olivia decided she wanted to surprise all the campers with homemade cinnamon rolls for breakfast in the morning. It was the weekend of July 4th, but she didn't care how many people she had to feed. We stayed up until 5:00 in the morning making those delicious tasting things. (Olivia told me this was her favorite aunt Cecil's recipe.) She looked pretty cute too, covered in flour.

Another time, we snuck out and went to the cemetery late one chilly, fall night, "To hunt for ghosts," she told me. I remember the sound of the leaves crunching underneath our shoes as we made our way from headstone to headstone, the bite of wood smoke in the air.

Olivia finally found the tombstone she was looking for and sat down on the ground with her legs crossed. I just stood there, not sure what to do. I didn't think I believed in ghosts, but I sure as hell didn't want to conjure something else up. I've seen my share of horror movies.

Olivia looks up at me with a silly grin, "What's the matter, Parker, you afraid? I was counting on you to protect me."
She did a comical pout and closed her eyes.

I shrugged my shoulders, feeling only a little creeped out, and sat down across from her. My eyes are closed as she begins calling to the dead. Really, I'm only assuming that's what she's doing. I open my eyes to stare at Olivia, she really is so beautiful. Smooth skin peppered with freckles. The shadow of her eyelashes fanned against her cheeks.

I'm pretty lost in my own world, just staring at her, when all of a sudden someone or something grabs me from behind and lifts me off the ground.

Olivia started screaming this
ear-splitting scream, and that made me start screaming, or howling or whatever's more manly sounding.
I'm wrestling, trying to get away when all of a sudden Olivia's screams turn into laughter. Gut busting laughter.

I stop fighting and the something holding me drops me. I turn around and see my best friend, Andy, doubled over laughing his butt off! What the hell?

"Way to protect your girl, man!"
Andy screamed this high-pitched scream, apparently imitating me. I look over at Olivia and she proceeds to tell me, through her laughter and tears, how she made this arrangement with Andy to basically scare the hell out of me. I have to say it was a dang good plan.

If it were played on someone else it would have been epic.

 I started chasing after Olivia, all through the cemetery we ran. When I finally caught her, I just had to hug her tight. She really was so stunning. Even if a bit of a trickster.

 
I get back home around 9pm Sunday night. The kids are already asleep, but Penny's waiting up for me. She's sitting up in bed, all pretty and comfortable looking in her pink polka dot pajamas. I love this about her, that she seems all proper with other people but with me she lets her guard down and feels comfortable wearing her polka dot p.j.'s.

She kisses my cheek and hugs me close.
"How did it go?" she asks me softly.

All I do is shake my head wearily. "I don't even know what to do, Pen." I rub my eyes, my temples. "My kids hate me; I honestly don't know what's best for my own children. They both've changed so much, almost like I don't know them at all."

Penny makes a soothing sound and rubs my stiff shoulders.

"I'm different too, I'm sure. We all change, right? How do we change, but stay together instead of growing apart? Because that's what I feel like. I feel like I've lost my kids and I'm not sure they want me to find them."

Sleep is elusive and I finally just get out of bed at 3am, shower and head into work.

I've been a lawyer, practicing at Wagner and Kevets since I graduated from college. It's been a steady if not boring job at times, but it keeps food on the table and a roof over our heads.

I work in the estate planning division, like I said maybe somewhat boring. But the thing is, I really do enjoy organizing people's lives for them and making sure all their ducks are in a row. People count on me to deliver all their last wishes to their next of kin when they pass on.

It's good to be needed. It's good to talk to people about what they want, what will be helpful, and then put that plan into action. Organize everything into a nice, crisp portfolio. 
 
I'm in my office staring out the window, lost in thought about Chase and Audrey. Thinking that I have no idea what would be helpful for them, or even what they want.

I didn't even know what Olivia wanted our whole marriage. I thought I did at the beginning, but I got more and more confused as the years went by, about what she wanted from me. What she needed, how I could help her, when it seemed like she didn't want my help.

Then other times, I felt like she did want my help. Then I would find that I completely misread her signals.
 In the end, we both lost.

I squeeze my eyes shut and rub at a sore spot on my neck. Man, I didn't realize being a parent, a husband, could be so hard, so complicated. That it could be so rewarding all at the same time. When I look at my kids, Penny's kids included, it's such a fierce love and protectiveness that I feel.

As I've watched Audrey grow up, seeing how truly good she is, her laughter so loud and infectious. Or was, I guess. I haven't heard her laugh in a long time. She has an incredibly soft heart, she feels everything.

And Chase, my boy. I swipe moisture from my eyes and grab a tissue from the box on the corner of my desk. He was so funny, so carefree. And his smile really did light up a room. Seeing him in the hospital all battered and bruised, felt like a knife in my gut. Feeling helpless as a parent is about the worst feeling.

I remember when he learned how to ride a bike, his sweet face looking up at me in wonder when he was finally able to keep his balance. The wind whipping over his sweet, upturned face, ruffling his hair.

Flashforward to teenage years, a divorce and me totally losing it and punching Chase. My kids will never forgive me, I know. And I'll never forgive myself.