The Truth About Life

-Audrey: Chapter Forty-

It's about 3am Sunday morning, I have my window open, letting in the night breeze. I can't sleep for all the thoughts racing through my head.

I keep thinking about my dad, the talk we had. I can't fully understand why my mom didn't just open up to him about her childhood, why didn't she trust him enough. I mean, marrying someone takes even more trust doesn't it?

When dad said he felt that my mom had a gnawing secret, something that she desperately wanted to get out, but wouldn't, I was a little taken back.

My dad, after all the years married to my mom, never knew, and still doesn't know, about her sexual abuse. She's held onto this deep, dark secret for so long, feeling so alone. Never trusting anyone to help her, probably feeling embarrassed for what happened. Even though this isn't her fault in the least.
It's her uncle, her damned uncle's fault.

I was so close to telling dad what mom shared with me, but something held me back. This isn't my story to tell. It would help my dad understand a whole heck of a lot, but my mom needs to be the one to tell her story, not me.

I understand now why my parents divorced, there was no absolute trust, no communication, but that part of their story will always hurt me. I ache for both of my parents; I ache for my family.

I wasn't too thrilled with Penny, but in a strange way I'm happy my dad isn't alone. I'm not going to go shopping with her or anything, but my feelings for her aren't hateful any longer.

I hear something all of a sudden, the wind? I listen closer, it's coming from mom's room. I get out of bed, make my way quietly to her door. I can hear her softly crying.

I push the door open, walk over to the bed and climb in beside her. I hug my mama close, comforting her like she's done for me so many times.

"What's the matter?" I whisper.

She sniffles, swipes a hand over her face. "Nothing really......., I just miss Chase." Tears leak out of mom's closed eyes, trailing into her hair. She takes a shuddering breath, "And your dad."

My eyes close on those words. "I miss them both too, mama."

She says, "I don't miss him like a wife misses her husband, but I miss him as a friend. A solid friend who was always there, until one day he wasn't. I just miss his strong presence, does that make sense?"

I nod my head, hesitantly I say, "Mom, when I was talking with dad the other day, he told me he felt like you were hiding something, like you had a secret." I can feel mom stiffen beside me. "Can I ask you something? Why didn't you ever tell dad about being abused? Did you not trust him?"

Mom sits up, flips on the bedside lamp. "I wanted to trust him, Audrey. I tried to, I loved your dad and figured trust would come when we got married. I loved his steadiness, his honesty, he made me happy." I rub her arm in support, letting her know I'm here.

"That's the thing about happiness, Audrey, if you're not honest and don't fully trust yourself or the person you're with, happiness can't stay, can't grow. It was wrong of me to not be completely honest with your dad, especially when I myself hadn't dealt with any of it. I just jumped into marriage hoping that would fix everything, when in reality, it made it worse."

My mom pulls her knees up to her chest, causing her to look small and child-like, "I hurt your dad and that hurt spread to you kids, and that's something I'll never forgive myself for."

She puts her hand on my cheek, "The kicker is, your dad is a trustworthy person, he would have helped me through anything, if I had just reached out to him. But I didn't see that until it was too late. You and Chase are lucky to have him as your dad."

I cover my mom's hand with mine, "Mom, we're lucky to have you, too." I touch my forehead to hers, "Believe that."

We burrow down into the quilts, so thankful to have each other.