Kpop boyxboy Oneshots

Johnten / NCT / Control

TW: anxious stuff and mentions cutting

Johnny finds Ten's diary and learns why he has been so distant lately.

"I want you to read this."

That's what Ten told Johnny about ten seconds ago, followed by hesitantly placing a book in Johnny's hands, before he locked himself in the bathroom.

Johnny thought about chasing after him, having the strong urge to get Ten out of the bathroom and comfort him. It's obvious he's not feeling fine. Actually, it's been obvious for the last weeks. In the beginning, Johnny shrugged it off, everybody has their bad days. He tried to be there for Ten, asking Ten how he's feeling, if something is bothering the younger, if Johnny could do anything to help him.

He really would do anything to lessen the obvious burden on Ten's shoulders. But he also didn't want to push the younger to tell him something he wasn't ready to. That's why Johnny accepted the 'I'm fine's.

At the same time, Ten kept pushing him away. They've been in a romantic relationship for years now, officially a couple since 2017, though the only ones that know about it are their members, families and the management. They know each other's best and worst sides, even if they push everyone away, they've never pushed each other away.

Johnny can't help but feeling slightly hurt.

It feels like Ten doesn't trust him anymore, although he knows that that's not true. Sometimes it just takes Ten a bit of time to sort out his thoughts, to express what he might need or what he doesn't feel good about.

To be considerate of Ten, he stopped telling Ten about his problems and started to tell Taeyong about them. The leader had a somewhat soothing presence - not as soothing as Ten's though - and was somehow always able to make Johnny forget about his struggles for a few minutes.

However, holding this small book in his hands proves that Ten probably figured out his thoughts.

Or at least that's what Johnny thinks. That's how it's always been. First with Ten's feelings for Johnny, then when he had panic attacks and finally got diagnosed with anxiety. For Ten the diagnosis was a relief. He is on medication, anxiety attacks are now a rarity.

However, Johnny can't help the slight tremble of his fingers when he grabs the book and opens it.

February 28th
Control.
I think control is the keyword.
It's my key to everything.
It feels good to have control over something in my life, even though it's just a tiny little part, while it seems like the complete rest is just getting out of hand.
Out of my power.
I just don't have the strength, don't have the energy, to do the things I would actually have to do.
Why?
I don't know.
I literally have no clue.
And it's never enough.
No matter what I am doing or how I do it, it's just never enough.
Never right.
And I feel like nothing changes, it's always the same.
I'm stuck in this place where I can't do anything, where I can't change anything.
So instead of doing the things I should, I'm doing things that make me feel better.
For a short period of time.
Afterwards, the nauseating feeling of guilt is killing me.
Always the guilt.
Guilt.
Because I really can't do anything right, can't get anything done.
Or at least not in the right way.
That's why I'm probably obsessed at the moment with controlling the things I actually can.
Like my body.
Or whatever I am doing to my body.
Cause that only depends on me.
While everything else seems to somehow be out of my range, it only depends on me if I will apply pressure or not.
Even the thought of dying doesn't scare me anymore.
Sometimes I just want it all to stop, to be over, to end.
This never-ending powerlessness.
Helplessness.
And the worst part is that I could probably do something about it.
I could change that.
So why am I not changing it, why am I doing nothing?
Why do I have to repeat everything, when I keep screwing up every single time?
I can't do this anymore.
I can't go on like this.
Why doesn't it stop?
I just want it to stop.
Please, stop.

Ten cuts again.

And there is more.

Johnny flips the pages, all filled with incoherent black patches and unreadable words, until he finds the next proper entry.

March 10th
I don't know why it broke me to this extent.
You noticed.
You actually noticed how bad I am doing.
You didn't believe me when I told you that I'm fine.
But still ... when I said 'I'm fine' you said 'Okay'.
An 'okay' that left no doubt that you've given up.
On me.
And I don't know what I expected, okay?
I don't know if I wanted you to approach me, if I wanted you to talk to me, or if I hoped it would never happen.
When I tried to leave that day and you took my wrist, I still had the slightest bit of hope left that maybe ... maybe you do care.
I know you care, you're still my boyfriend.
I know you love me as much as I love you.
But you let me go.
And it felt worse than it did when I just thought you gave up on me.
Later that day you asked again.
You said, 'It didn't seem like you were fine, it still doesn't seem like you are fine. Are you sure that you're okay?'
I couldn't look you in the eyes.
Instead I just said 'You seem like you're happy'.
I mean, obviously with your new best friend Taeyong. 'With your new haircut.'
And then you told me you feel responsible for the way I am feeling.
No, Johnny, you're not.
It's me.
I am responsible.
Just me.
And I don't know why I suddenly felt like the way I'm feeling is none of your business anymore.

Johnny cries. A tear drops onto the page and ruins the letters, words, phrases Ten had kept in for so long.

Johnny can't keep on reading.

Not right now. He doesn't want to. He wants to be there for Ten.

Because Ten didn't want to sort out his thoughts, Ten wanted Johnny to push him to give a proper answer. Ten thought Johnny favoured Taeyong over him.

Johnny carefully closes the diary, puts it back on the bed, and approaches the bathroom door. He gently knocks. Without a word being spoken, Ten unlocks the door. Johnny hesitantly opens it.

And then he sees Ten.

Ten, who is crouching on the floor right now, looking terrified.

Without wasting any more time, Johnny steps into the bathroom, closing the door behind him before he kneels in front of Ten. Ten's eyes are glossy when Johnny just examines his face.

He can't help it.

Ten is seducing him without trying.

When he finally manages to escape Ten's intense eyes, his arms automatically engulf the younger in a tight embrace.

"Johnny." Ten sobs.

"What is it, love?" Johnny mumbles, soothingly rubbing circles on Ten's back. "I don't know- I don't know what to do." Johnny's arms tighten even more around Ten's fragile body.

"We'll figure it out, darling. We always do."

And for now that is enough.

Just the two of them, a reassuring hug, with Ten sobbing, both of them kneeling on the cold bathroom floor. But they're together. And that's all that matters right now.

They'll talk about Ten's struggles later, they'll fix it all.

At the moment Ten feels happier than he has in weeks.

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1264 words

This one is for jdjdjkasjeukksmd because I lost a bet.
And they're also aMaZiNg.