Kpop boyxboy Oneshots

Newkyu / The Boyz / Depression

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Give them love and appreciation!!! Thanks for the ending again!!!

TW: depression and anxiety

I apologize if something in here is not correct or offending anyone, if that is the case just dm me or leave a comment, I'll change it. This is just based on research and some of my personal experiences.

Changmin is rocking back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. It doesn't steady his breathing. It doesn't take the dizziness away.

He is forcefully blinking again and again, trying to focus his gaze on anything, literally anything. There's nothing to focus on. Just the white walls around him.

His heart feels weird. Heavy. It pumps the blood through his body at an inhumane speed.

Frantically his hands grab onto his knees again and again, trying to get a grip. He just needs something to focus on right now. His sweaty skin rubs over the clam fabric.

The world keeps spinning, it doesn't care that Changmin is on the verge of tears right now.

Does anyone really care, though? If not even my friends care, how could the world care?

Changmin is not even sure if he can call his members his friends anymore. For these last few weeks, his depression has gotten the worst out of him. At this point he's snapped more than once at Chanhee when the older tried to get him to clean up his messy part of the room. He snapped when Chanhee tried to talk to him.

Changmin has become reckless. He'd say one thing and do the other. Defend one person and then give up as soon as it got too hard. He'd say he'd get on a diet and the next second he's binge eating.

All the stress has made him lose track of himself. He doesn't take care of himself anymore. His skin is not clear at all, the purging has been making it ten times worse. If he's honest, he doesn't know when he last washed his bed sheets or - for that matter - took a shower.

Whenever the others ask him what's going on, he'd lie. There's no way he'd ever say the truth. Because there really is nothing to tell. What could he tell them, really?

Oh, I've been diagnosed with depression a while ago, but really, I have no reason to be sad, I just am. I just wheep and wheep although there's nothing to wheep about.

Doing anything feels like a loss to me. And that doesn't even make sense.

I'm also angry. All the time. At all of you. No, again, I have no reason. I'm just angry. Maybe I do have a reason. I'm angry because you all care. I'm angry because we're all in the same situation and I'm the only on that is breaking under the pressure. I'm angry because I'm the one that has to go through all of this. I'm angry because I'm doing this to myself. I'm angry because I can't stop. Or rather, because I can't start.

I can't do anything. Can't do anything except for lying.

That bar of chocolate that Kevin 'lost' last week? That was me. I ate it. And I told you I didn't. Are you mad now? Because I am.

I am always mad at myself.

A few minutes later, Changmin gets his breath under control.

He has to go back. At least to his room if not into the living room. Where they probably don't even notice anymore that he's not there. Where everyone else is having fun without him.

Stupid anxiety.

Somehow the combination of anxiety and depression is something that he struggles to handle. His depression is telling him to just lie in bed, do nothing, to end it all. Just ... accept the sad truth and make it stop. His anxiety on the other hand makes him hyper, scared of everything, including death and those scary intrusive thoughts he has.