Kpop boyxboy Oneshots

Chanlix / Stray Kids / Alone

TW: basically just anxious thoughts

I'm a huge Chanlix shipper, don't kill me.
Thank you to those 10 people who are always reading this crap!

Felix can't describe it. He just feels bad.

He feels this weight in his stomach that is trying to pull him under the surface. He doesn't know what surface. He doesn't know what's beneath the surface. He just knows that he can't drown. If he drowns, it's over, he can already feel his eyes burning, trying to hold back tears.

He's not home. He's in another country than his family. He's in another country than most of his friends. And right now he sits on his bed completely alone and he doesn't know what to do.

He feels the pressure behind his eyes, the urge to cry is growing. He has this strange feeling in his chest. The feeling of being a stranger to himself. Really, what is he doing here? Following his dreams. Trying to live. Trying to gain experiences. Trying do actually do something, for once.

For once just ... do something.

And now he's just sitting on his bed, not daring to go to his friends. Because yes, they are his friends. But they are his Korean friends. Not that that's anything bad. It's just different. And he needs familiar right now. He needs his mom's hug, his sisters, his father. He needs his friends.

Oh god, how much he misses his friends. Especially the skinship he always received with them. Felix loved it. And he didn't get too much of it here. He still got something, that isn't the problem. It simply isn't enough. He just doesn't dare to say anything, doesn't dare to hug his friends as long as they don't hug him. As long as they don't approach him. He doesn't dare to be honest. He doesn't dare to be himself.

That's why he's alone.

Maybe that's good. Sometimes you've got to miss your old life to see how good your new life is. Felix knows that. But it doesn't help him right now. He just wants comfort. Comfort and someone to hug him tightly, telling him it's okay. Telling him he's not alone, even if he's not with his family. He's not alone even if he's in Korea.

He's not alone.

But right now he is. He's completely alone.

It's hard for him to find new and real friends here. Yes, he's unbelievably grateful to have his members. He doesn't want to be an ungrateful brat. It's amazing to be here. He just doesn't really get the chance to meet other people.

He's just trapped in this one place he's in right now, not able to go back or forth.

The worst is actually the fact that he's suddenly aware of his weight. He's never had a problem with it, never struggled. He's been skinny his whole life.

What if skinny isn't enough anymore?

Back in Australia, they never even talked about healthy food, calories, the need to do sports, and workouts. Then he joined Stray Kids. They are a KPop group, they basically have to be perfect. There's high expectations. So Felix has to think about this, too.

When he sees Jeongin or Seungmin he just feels like crying. When he watches Chan and Changbin working out, he feels like crying. On every other occasion when he's confronted with his members' absolutely perfect bodies, he feels like crying.

It's not like he's doing nothing, he's dancing all the time. He's working on choreographies, perfecting moves, probably burning a lot of calories.

But in comparison ... In comparison to the others that's just nothing.

That's why Felix started to hide his body. Hide it under Chan's oversized clothing. Felix is just lucky that Chan finds it cute when Felix steals his stuff.

Chan.

Chan.

There's this ... this thing with Chan.

Felix is pan. Personally, he has absolutely no problem with that, he hasn't had an identity crisis or anything. He just likes the character of a person, why should it be limited to their body? He's sure he could feel attracted to anyone if their personalities match. Still, although there's endless - or at least enough - possibilities out there for him, his stupid mind can't let go of this one particular person - Chan. And although he claims to be pan, he doesn't think he's ever been or will ever be in love with someone else to this extent.

It scares him a little. It scares him to talk to Chan, to meet Chan alone, to call him, to spend time with him. Not because he doesn't like it. Felix likes it a lot. It's just ... Chan is so important to him, Felix just can't afford to lose him. And every time they talk there's this teenie tiny small chance that he'll say something wrong. The chance that Chan looks at him in another way than he's looking at him now. In a different way.

The biggest problem about all of this is that there's the chance that Chan will like him back. And Felix's brain works in weird ways.

Because he doesn't want Chan to like him back. He wants Chan to do whatever he's been doing since the day the two of them met. He wants Chan to feel whatever he's been feeling. He wants Chan to act the way he's been acting all this time. 

The last thing Felix wants is change.

Right now, at this exact moment, lying next to Chan, spooning, cuddling, maybe even ... maybe even kissing Chan sounds simply perfect.

But Felix knows himself. He knows that he'll be scared. Scared of ... What is he actually scared of? Telling others what he really feels? Being vulnerable? The possibility that they would break up? Is that enough of an excuse to not even try? Apparently, for Felix it is.

The door opens. Felix panics, the others can't see him like this! In his despair, the only thing he can think of is pulling the blanket over his head, facing the wall, and pretending to be asleep.

It's too much. It's simply too much.

When he hears someone entering the room, someone sitting down next to him on the bed, he can hold his tears back. He can hold his tears back when this special someone's hand gently rubs over Felix's blanket-covered body.

"Hey Felix, are you okay?", Chan asks.

The tears spill. Of course it has to be Chan. It's always Chan, isn't it?

A sob wrecks his throat, he curls into himself even more.

Chan can't see him cry! He can't see him weak! He can't see ... can't see the real Felix.

Chan doesn't know that though. Instead of asking questions or trying to get Felix to talk to him, Chan simply lifts the blanket and slips under it, spooning Felix. One of Chan's arms acts as Felix's pillow, the other pulls Felix into Chan's chest. Chan's hand on Felix's chest rubs soothing circles into the soft fabric of Felix's - actually Chan's - shirt.

"I'm here, Lix."

Felix's sobs don't stop. Chan doesn't try to stop them, neither does Felix. Both of them know, Felix just needs to get it all out right now.

The hug is reassuring, it doesn't scare Felix. It makes him feel safe. Warm. Comfortable. It makes him feel loved.

He still doesn't feel great. His family is still in Australia. He's still in Korea. But Chan is in Korea, too. Chan is right here with Felix. Chan is hugging him. Chan.

Chan.

With shaky moves Felix intertwines their hands. Chan's grip tightens. And just like that, Felix feels fine.

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1242 words