My Confidate

Chapter 11

"Na dwa ka ho assar,
Na dua hi kaam aaye,
Tera jise ho bukhar,
Usse kab aaraam aaye?"

"I need to talk to you" I mumble, looking her dead in the eye, moving out of my chair before grabbing her hand in mine and walking deeper into the quieter side of things.

Shehnaaz :

I follow him onto the short path, moving further and further away from the blaring noises and lights of the venue. The silence between us overpowering the stilled noises that were left to be heard in the distance. I looked up at him, felling his hand clench closer against my own still facing off into the spare equipment hidden behind the makeshift wall decor. Closing my eyes I took a deep breath, pulling my hand out of his own, letting it clench against the end of my dupatta. The hold preventing my mind to go down the lane I'd washed away before leaving to be here, to keep the memory of the piled away letter from reappearing. To keep from letting myself loose.

I flinch hearing him snap, the trance of thought broken as he inches closer, reversing the walk he'd taken a few steps ahead of me. "I need to go back..." I murmur, keeping my eyes stuck to the ground beneath my feet, focusing myself out of emotion, letting the riled up anger stay within. "And I need to clear things out. Aise complications bina sort kiye roz milenge toh khud ko hi nuksaan hoga. Tujhe nhi baat krni toh tu jaa skti hai but I can't be there, faking that I've simply forgotten everything between the both of us. Kal se try kr raha hu baat krne ki, aagey bhi-"

S - "Jab main itne saal se try kr rahi thi sirf bas baat krne k liye tab kyun nhi ki Sidharth? All those letters I sent you weren't just random pieces of paper. I spent hours contemplating on whether to write to you or not, whether I should wait for your responses or simply make truce with things the way you left them. I had questions, questions that left me without an ounce of sleep or happiness, without the will to go out and enjoy. You simply got up and left, not caring enough to look back at the chaotic stage you'd left me at. Knowing exactly what you were to me, having heard my pleas for you to not leave, having seen how much I needed you... you still decided to leave me alone and rip apart whatever we shared. Aur complications bhi koi nhi hai humare beech. Jo hai woh sirf meri taraf se hai kyunki aapne apna decision 7 saal pehle hi clear krdiya tha. Rahi baat mil ne ki, woh sirf ek/do din tak hi hai. Uske baad vaise bhi I'll go back home"

Si - "Home to Ahaan? And Gautam, all of our other friends,Shehbaaz, your parents..... the entirety of our high school memories. And what about me? I'd known you to be the one person that put yourself in my shoes before judging me, up until today I knew you'd be mad but even thinking that I'd done it on purpose? I was wrong for not telling you. I was wrong for not contacting you after collecting myself after all of what had happened. But you've known I'd never do that to the both of us on purpose."

I look up at him, the stoic expression of his face contradicting the intensity his eyes poured against my own, his words evidently not saying enough of what he had built up in his mind. "I knew that 7 years ago. Before you got up and left me waiting for you and the conversation of what happened that night. Of what we were. I spent the entire day at school, our supposed secret at the brink of being exposed due to how anxious I'd gotten. The last time we talked was a year after you got here. The briefest of conversations we'd ever had. And if you remember anything of what I'd said, you wouldn't be trying to push the fact that I was left with people that never would make up your void as an response to me speaking about your leave. About the fact that you couldn't even read through all of what I'd written to y-"

Si - "Read them and done what?! You weren't the only one scared of losing me Shehnaaz. I'd only ever had you.."

"That goes both ways Sidharth. You were what everyone else wasn't and unlike you, I made sure you knew that. The sole reason you never had to look back for assurance was because you left assured. Assured that I would be there. But that same confidence left me withering. Ek baar woh sab path lena, mere se zyada tere liye likha tha woh sab. Aur agar kuch baat pta na ho, toh Uske baare mein bol Te nhi hai. Ahaan is still exactly what you'd left him as. A stranger I know because of you and Gautam. You made new friends, and I stayed finding pieces of you everywhere you'd left them." I mumble smiling as I let the years flip through my mind. Stepping forward I lightly cup his face letting his eyes meet my own. "Pr ab mujhse woh nhi hoga, I can't let myself dwell in someone that can't make enough effort to reach out to me. Even if it Is just for clarification." I whisper, the tears in my eyes laced in my voice, reflected in his own. I let my thumb softly caress his face, the lingeringness of it being the last time I'd give myself a chance to do the same pricking the soft ache in my heart. The ache awaiting his arms to still me as I began walking away, the emptiness of the surroundings displaying the emptiness of my hope. He stood winded in his own thoughts, the scream of his eyes telling me to stop, not enough to capture the freeing of my mind guiding my feet back down the path to the venue. I took in a deep breath, letting the slightest of the tears drop against my cheek. The constricted warmth spreading across my face melting away any will I had of going back into the celebration affair a few feet away. Perhaps both Gautam and Shehbaaz had been right, coming back after so many years wasn't as easy as I'd imaged it to be. Neither was graving the feelings that still lurked around my weeping heart. It was as if they were as necessary for it to function though it knew quite well how much the being there would hurt. He seemed to simply be the strongest positive and negative of my life. The positives that had pulled me out of the ruins of what one had left me in and the negatives of leaving me in worse. Neither of which I could muster to erase, not with now the fact that he wasn't the Sidharth that knew what to say to make me listen. He wasn't the Sidharth that understood how to bring things up, how to redeem himself for things he'd done stupidly.

I walk back into the venue minutes later. Remnants of what had just happened completely wiped away. The chime of blaring music enough to overshadow the sadness spread across my face. I smile, shaking my head in response to the questionable look I was passed by Di. The idea of ruining her entire night much more taxing than masking the dread I felt myself. Walking a little distance to where she sat I pulled out my phone, dialling the only person I knew wouldn't question what I was to ask.

"Shehbaaz?" I whisper hearing the tired voice of his filter through. The simple presence of the same almost breaking me into tears again. "Tu Theek hai na?" He questioned, sounding much more awake this time around. I hum, gulping the lump in my throat as I saw Sidharth make his way back to the bar he'd sat at earlier. "I need a place to stay... as soon as possible. Please? Mujhe vaapis nhi aana hai abhi... I- it's just.."

SB - "Suffocating?"

"Hmm" I hum again, hiding the dread was already hard enough. I wouldn't be ever able to muster controlling the same from leaking through my words. "I'll get something arranged. Just please don't head out anywhere before I call you back? You don't know anything around there and... it's much safer to stay where you are right now. 1-2 din manage krle, Uske baad I'll insure you have your own place. Okay?"

"Okay"