My Confidate

Chapter 19

" What's it to me
If you love me or
Miss me or need me
When you're doing
Nothing to be with me
If you can't allow me to be
The love of your life,
I will be the loss instead."

"Can we stay on call for a little bit?" I question, feeling my throat clog at the thought of her denying yet again. The call to meet tomorrow morning not as exciting as I'd once thought it'd be thanks to knowing well enough that nothing was to become any better. Especially not after the scare of being caught at the cafe this morning. Not just yet. Knowing whatever I knew of Shehnaaz, I knew better than to expect her to give into what she'd been denying for the past 2 weeks. "You sound low" she mumbled out of the blue, the tone almost as if she'd unknowingly voiced her thought. I felt my lips stretch just slightly, the mere knowledge of her still recognizing my mood from the tone of my voice. "I've been thinking about things" I revert letting the words roll out of my mouth, wanting to let out the thoughts I'd come across ever since she'd left.

"Things as in?" She questioned, the usual sense of disinterest in conversation seemingly gone tonight. I sank back into my seat letting the tensed muscles relax within the next few seconds. "As in... how easy all of this would've been if we'd met up sometime earlier. Or perhaps- how important keeping contact really is. I'd feared losing you. Especially after all that had happened but I guess I'd never gotten to show you the same. You were the first thing that had made the word love feel exactly what it sounds like and losing that was harder than what you'd think." I vent letting out a fair share of scenarios I'd pictured the night before. Scenarios in which things were more on my side of the wall.

S - "You still haven't lost your habit of thinking about what ifs have you? Yeh hi regrets k baare mein tu much samjhaata tha Sidharth. You always used to mention the fact that we should always do as we please and yet you never practiced the same."

Si - "And just like I'd said I'm paying for it." I sighed picking at the loose thread in the hem of my shirt to disrupt the sense of yet another conversation going the opposite route than what I'd planned. "I don't know what makes you think I wouldn't have come around to you if you hadn't come here Shehnaaz but whatever your thinking is wrong. I would never even think of you in such way."

S - "You'd also claimed to never leave. Me and you both know that's the one thing that broke me enough to not be put together by yet another combination of words Sidharth. I can't let just the inability of falling out of love with you control all of my further decisions. Especially not ones related to you."

The Next Morning :

I gazed over to the entrance for the umpteenth time since I'd first arrived. The slightest of gazes upon me leaving me a lot more impatient than what I already was. I redialled her number, letting my hand tap against the table as it went through. The past hour having felt more like 100 times the same. I sunk back into the seat, letting out a deep sigh hearing the same automated message one more time. The voice starting to get upon my nerves. My eyes continued to linger at the cheerful surroundings, the brightest of colours and smiles filled the room around me contrasting the filled up feelings inside me.

An hour later I exited the cafe, deciding upon leaving before the emptiness before me ate me up whole. I walked off to the edge of the building, finding the exit out onto the balcony. A fresh whiff of air came at me with a shivering intensity. Looking down upon the screen I let my eyes clench shut, the time I'd spent waiting for her downstair almost overwhelming enough to make me dizzy, leaving my head spinning with endless possibilities. The fact that she could've simply left in the unnumerable hours between last nights call and now left my guts churning at a speed fast enough to make the insides spoil.

"Hey"

I turn back towards the door, almost bursting at the sight of her. The faded blue sitting atop her skin making her gleam further under the blinding soft rayed light of the sun. "Im sorry I'm late. I slept in aur-" she pause her words, looking down upon the lit up cigarette held between my two fingers, the burned away tip rubbing against the inside of my palm. I let it drop, turning back towards the road below. I felt her step closer grabbing the palm I'd clenched shut. "Itne mein hi itna gussa?" She questioned letting my hand fall into her own.

"Gussa nhi hu" I utter losing every cell of irritation I'd let build up earlier. "Fir waha de aise uth ke kyun aaya?" She intrigued as I turned around to face her. The tenseness of my expression evidently already completely read by the scanning of her eyes. "You were in the Cafe?" I question, bewildered at what exactly the past 2 hours had been. "Let's go" she murmured starting to step back towards the door. I keep my stance, looking at her in question until she realized I hadn't joined. "Thoda sa bhi wait nhi krva skti?" She asked looking back at me leaning against the ledge of the rail.

"2 hours isn't anything compared to-"

"It's okay" I mutter joining her before she could continue further. The unimaginable responses she already had ready a little too much to endure currently.

"I saw you yesterday" She stated stirring the Iced coffee she'd ordered. I gazed back up at her, letting the picture of yesterday flood through my mind. "You know you could've just called me if you wanted to meet up. I'd thought you'd realized the importance of that." she continued taking a sip. "You told me to wait without any terms of contact." I reverted picking up my own cup of coffee.

S - "I didn't know coming to see me wasn't a way of contact. Neither did I know that you'd given me that option all those years."

Si - "I didn't know I would do that either. It's a first... I'm not a practiced stalker. It just happened. Our conversation had ended so abruptly and I couldn't put myself to leaving it at that."

"Then what do you want to leave it at?"

Si - "I don't want to leave it. Mujhe pta hai ki covering the past 7 years isn't easy, neither is forgetting all of that pr at least we could try? with a completely clean slate? Im up for anything but this Shehnaaz."

"Aur Pichle 2 din mein yeh prove krne k liye kya kiya tune Sidharth? Door se dekhne aane k ilawa Kya kiya? Did you take the effort to show me that was really what you want? Mere bulane pe milne aaya lekin sirf 2 ghante mein wait krte irritation hogyi? Yaha toh sirf kuch log hain. People who don't know either of us. Their stares effected you so much but have you ever thought how much of an idiot you left me looking like? Especially when you had the chance to show up and simply say that you were going to leave..

I love you still... I really really do but I'm afraid that taking this second chance may result in my hope for a better version of what we had being crushed. That perhaps you might just wake up one day and leave again. And this is exactly why I've decided..."

I tensed as she paused, letting her eyes gaze at the drink clenched in her hand. The hold strong enough to crack through. "I've decided that we should just leave everything where it's at and go on with our lives. Let me live a life where a second chance at us is still this utterly beautiful illusion.. where it's still possible for you to choose to change your way of things, and you can go on loving me back wholely or loving another without the built up guilt this has caused."