My Confidate

Chapter 15

"Dosti ki mahek Ishq se kam nhi hoti,
Ishq pe zindagi khatam nhi hoti,
Saath mile zindagi mein achhe doston ka,
To sach maniye zindagi bhi kisi jannat se kam nhi hoti."

I step out of the car, walking off to the empty benches circling the fairly calm water. The sound of waves hitting the dark of the rocks filling in the complete silence of the night. Shehnaaz followed thankfully, wrapping the hoodie she wore around herself, her arms holding it across her torso. Her face was dull under the glamour of makeup she wore earlier, the bags under her eyes contradicting the void of emotion she'd shown after the conversation earlier.

I sulked into my seat as she took opposite corner of the bench, her legs shaking constantly as the silence invaded further. "Vaapas kab jayegi?" I question looking at her from the corner of my eye. She shrugged, tightening her arms around herself as she rocked slightly, her eyes fixated against the open dark sea. "Itna bhi nhi btayegi?" I sigh, the promise to talk evidently put aside. This was not going to work unless we broke past the wall of a strict stoicness.

"Do you deserve to know?" She questioned fisting her hands as she turned towards me. I drop my gaze, flicking my hand against the bench. "I didn't deserve those letters either" I mumble letting my eyes meet hers.

"At least you realize that" she murmured, the smallest of a snicker making way to her lips. "I realized a lot of things" I revert, my mind throbbing at the thought of the same.

S - "Such as?"

Si - "such as... the fact that you were always there with me in every emotion I felt, for everything I had and hadn't done... you saw me running away from commitments. Heard the most disgusting rumours you could about me and yet you stuck along. You stood up for me where no one else would even think to. You saw crying, crushing myself and feeling sorry for myself. You felt everything with me and I chose to leave you behind without even an acknowledgment of the best hours we'd spent together. And now I'm being the exact selfish self I was and expecting things to be normal."

"We never had a normal Sidharth" she whispered rubbing her hands before leaning. "It was always unusual...from the first time we met to the last. Me and you were broken when we met and yet fixing each other came as a natural. I couldn't tell if I loved you the first time I saw you or the second or third or even the fourth. But I remember that even in the last moment I saw you, through the brink of the dark sky, you made the rest of the world fade away. After you left the world seemed to collapse upon me and I was lost, completely downtrodden and I couldn't even expect anyone to pull me up from there. I came here looking for answers, answers to questions you never acknowledged. And that hurt the most. It hurt that you couldn't care enough to open and read those while I cared enough to write those while being the one having no idea why what happened... happened. At least you knew why we weren't talking or at least had a idea of the same. I was clueless and stressed. Stressed enough to distance myself for everything else. To become who I wasn't. To become commitment phobic, to forget to appreciate all of the other relationships I had."

The break in her voice more piercing than the words she'd let out of her mind. I let out a soft breath, walking to the rail in between the rocks and the pavement, the moon gleaming over the the same oddly evenly. "I'm sorry....You didn't deserve that" I intrigue watching the waves rise and lower in a regulated pattern.

S - "I kinda did... I knew you were hurting me, that thinking of you was doing me no good. I knew I deserved better than waiting around and still I stayed. Sometimes when you love someone, you love them so much, that you let them or the memory of them hurt you. I wanted those seconds of happiness even if it meant another night of stained pillows. In my gut I felt the need to stop but I spent hours making excuses for you, making excuses to not let the good memories of you fade. I put myself second and you first hoping that someday you woke up and chose the same. That was a mistake on my part.."

"We're told "Time heals all" but I've stopped believing that's true. At least in the matter of you. You're not something I could burn away of forget. Not in a 100 years." She continued letting out the softest of a sad chuckle. The sound of dragged footsteps lined the pavement a minute later, the sound of her distancing a representation of the image in my mind. An image I wished wasn't so realistic that it felt like a second real world.

"Do you think we could start again?" I question, turning around to see where she now stood. The image of the same I wished to capture for the years to come. She shook her head letting out the smallest murmur of a no, leaning back against the hood of the car. "Why not?" I ask wanting what I'd come looking for.

S - "because I'm scared"

Si - "Of?"

She raised her head, dragging a small pebble around with her foot. Her lips quivering the slightest bit as she went to let words out. Licking her lips she let out a dry cough, blinking back the welled up words she was unable to voice.

"Of falling for you again and then you choosing to do the same. To step back from commitment and take a stupid, impulsive decision to leave everything and go. To get my hopes up about you loving me back as strongly as I loved you. I don't regret it happening Sidharth... just because we didn't end up like we wanted to doesn't mean that you weren't the best thing that had ever happened to me. You know you were... and although you also made yourself the worst I'd like to remember the better parts. I'd like to remember us being friends. Friends with a hint of love. A love that we could've possibly cherished over a lifetime. A love that I knew would've lasted if you stayed. That would and could have lasted the distance, a love that had the ability to leave us and everyone around still aflamed. A love you gave up and I don't have the courage to give someone else."