My Confidate

Chapter 12

"Mere pyaar mein kami kuch bhi na thi,
Na jaane tu kyun begaana ho gya.
Tujhe lgta hai ki bohut khush hu main..
Mujhe hasse huye toh zamaana hogya"

I move back into the darkness of my room, letting the lights remain as dimmed as Maa had left them earlier. I'd been awake all night, the cluttered clothes, pillows and covers quite a great display of the unrest I'd been feeling. She was leaving today. After the marriage she'd be gone. Perhaps back to home or maybe just away from myself. Either of the options left me nothing but a collapsing weight steadied against my chest. The mere thought of letting her walk away making me further despise myself for even letting it come to that. For letting the love I'd had for her hide somewhere within. For letting myself keep away over something that would only be sorted once I talked to her. Gulping I move towards the closet using the soft rays of the sun help find my way through the mess I'd left. Pulling out the stacks of envelopes I sit down against the floor letting them fall out of the precise stacks. The crispness of their edges to the slight dust gathered atop the paper left an image of all the times I'd looked at them, unsure of whether they were to be opened and then left them because it was simpler. It was the easier way out but tonight it seemed that the harder way was all that could bring me solace.

...Call me once? We need to talk.. please? I promise I won't ever call you again if you don't want me to but at least clear things up. If any of that was a mistake just tell me, I don't wanna lose you like this.

I take a deep breath, shivering at the words I knew what it took of her to write. Her constant call for sorting everything out left unattended. Blinking I let the filling tears down my cheeks, staining the fading ink further. I fold the paper back into its envelope grabbing the second, the dates having almost completely wiped out of the stickers. I should've done this a long time ago.

Happy birthday! I guess I'd planned today to go a lot differently but perhaps this is the best. I hope you're happy in Mumbai. I'm sure it's exciting, a new place.. new things to discover. I don't know when or if you'll even get this but whenever you do, please stop here and open up the package this came with. I hope you like it...

Kneeling I picked through the bottom of my closet, digging up the boxes stored in the far back. The one dated to the same day as the card laying further beneath the others. A heavy average sized rectangular box. Getting past the wrapping I reach for the keys I'd left atop the bed, ripping away the tape guarding the items within. I unwillingly let out a soft gasp of breath picking up the framed image of the both of us, unveiling a jersey I'd once known too well. However this one was different.. it was hers. The name imprinted across the well folded cloth.

Thank you for being the reason I caved into this. Thank you for helping me back to myself. As much as I hate you for leaving me all alone, especially at the brink of all of this I can't help but give you credit for it. I wouldn't have stepped into this if it weren't for you.

I still hearing steps outside the doorway, the door a few feet away opening seconds later confirming it was her. The soft quiet conversation filling the living room earlier having subsided. I pack away the box leaving it where it was, heading down to her room with my mind completely blank and my heart overwhelmed. The frenzy of thoughts having disappeared into complete silence as I go to knock against the guest room door.

SM - "Kya kr raha hai?"

I turn around gulping as Maa looked me dead in the eye, digging up possibly more than I myself knew. "Baat-"

She hushes me, gesturing to follow her back into my own room. The silence and emptiness of the hall ensuring Shehnaaz had heard us approach. I glance at the closed door once again, hoping she'd walk out with a look of question splayed across her face. Dejectedly I follow the direction my mother had walked into, left standing between the cluster of letters and gifts I'd walked away from. "Jo krne Jaa raha tha woh kr pta?" Maa questioned, her face softening. Almost as if she'd recognized the despair I hid behind the mask of normality. Shaking my head I take I seat before her letting the collected feelings pour the second her hand fell through my hair. "I don't want her to leave" I sigh digging my face against her lap.

SM - "Rokega nhi toh rukegi bhi nhi. Bolega nhi toh usse sunai bhi nhi dega Sidharth. Chup chap usse sab expect nhi kr skta tu. 7 saal tak woh try krti rahi tere se Baat krne k liye.. jab woh kr skti hai toh tu kyun nhi? Ek baar mein sab nhi sahi ho jaega"

"That doesn't matter maa. Woh chahti hi nhi hai ab kuch sahi krna. She's given up and I don't blame her.. I ju-" I let my words fall silent. The blankness of everything having caught up with what I'd thought I already had figured out. "Of course it doesn't matter when you're going to continue to do what you've always done..... take everything you have for granted. The man I've always taken pride in raising well- I would've expected.. more. More discernment, more understanding, more appreciation. Pehle isi liye nhi bola kyunki sure nhi tha, ab isiliye kyunki tujhe lgta hai ki woh nhi chahti. Kbhi toh usse faisla lene de? Agar is baar nhi bol parega toh at least usse is sab ka honest answer de kr free krde. Let her move on."

Si - "maa-"

SM - "You allowed her to slip through your fingers as if it were nothing. I understand that you find such things as love, affection and attachment trite and frivolous but do you recognize that those very things are what allow your soul another day? Love Sidharth conquers all. Ek baar mein nhi hua toh umeed nhi chhod dete. You can't declare that nothing can happen without testing it to its extent. Jo intezaar tune usse krvaya hai woh khud krne mein kaisi jhijjak?"