My Confidate

Chapter 18

"Uske bina ek pal bhi
Guzara nhi tha
Kisi aur ko hum ne
Dil mein utaara nhi tha
Rukna kya tha
Hum toh saans bhi rok lete
Par tumne dil se kbhi
Pukaara nhi tha"

When there's an extra pull at your cheeks in the simplest of your smile.. it's definite your screaming within. Screaming of anything but what was to see at the surface. Or perhaps anything but what you decided to show. And most of the times no one is fazed. Not even those that you hold oh so dear to yourself. I myself was one of the many faces like such that I'd seen in life. A lot of the times because of love. The supposedly beautiful... magical feeling we'd all grown up to chase. So utterly relentlessly. Only to figure out how much you were better without it. I let out a soft breath feeling the misty rain fall softly against my face. The weather the last of what was left to call blissful.

"You've been sitting here silently for the past 30 minutes. Kuch nhi hai bol me ko toh at least meri neend toh khraab mat kr" Gautam sighed, the exasperation quite clear against his face. "Tujhe kbse mere chup baithne se problem hone lggi?" I question, laying back into the swinging seat, resting the iPad against my curled up knees. "Problem chup baith ne se nhi but aise kuch bina btaye sirf normal call krna isn't exactly what I expected after a week of that. I feel obliged to know more." He uttered curiously, worry lurking from his tone. I wanted to mock the same, to give him the pleasure of knowing I hadn't simply given in. However that would be untrue since had the enclosed letters and gifts not been uncovered, I would've happily let myself swoon into the decision of taking him back. No questions asked. I'd continue to live in this alternative reality I'd let my mind create, one in which things were so much simpler, where things happened to my accord. One where Sidharth hadn't chose to leave me behind without an explanation, where he hadn't continued to ignore me for the next seven years. One where he too was in just as much of distress as I'd been.

"There's nothing to know... kuch zyada hua hota toh you'd find the accurate emotion lurking against my face. You know me well enough to at least know that." I revert not giving him the knowledge he evidently needed to stop worrying. Id began doing that, needing to have to do that to believe myself worthy enough of being worried about. It was selfish perhaps but it was numbing. It numbed the pain of being thrown into the past by the only two men I'd loved. Well a man and a boy. A man that had helped me get over the boy. And yet not have left anything behind to get over himself. The warning of being broken again if I fell in love hadn't come too well on time. "You're actually quite experienced in hiding those. Its something like you've covered the open book you were with an opaque cover. One with nothing but the professional side of you shining through." He stated, the honesty lurking in his stance almost enough to leave my mind boggled with images of my own changes. Changes that had brought me to where I was today. "He wants to start afresh" I shrug, feeling my bottom lip quiver.

G - "And you? What do you want ?"

"Jaise tujhe mera jawaab pta nhi hai" I replied letting out the softest of a laugh. Amused at my own feelings still not having changed. It felt stupid, unreal, damaging and yet I couldn't help it. Those words both mended and broke my heart. He'd admitted to loving me, to not being able to keep away, yet I couldn't grasp how he could love me and leave me at the same time. I let the thought slide, not wanting to waste yet another night thinking of the same. "I'd love to call you ridiculous but I know its not going to matter anyways. You love him and I can't blame you for that. Mere liye ab woh ek stranger hai but for you he's one that shares all your secrets. If I was to be honest I'd tell you to go ahead and tell him to fuck off but I know that's near impossible.. still I want you to make sure your not doing something that you'll regret later on."

" I won't Gautam. I never have and as damaging as you may think this is crazy and I should simply let go pr pyaar ek ehsi feeling hai jo Koi humse Cheen nhi skta chahe woh humein chhod de ya vaapas woh pyaar na de.... it doesn't exactly matter."

"So you're back together now?" He questioned, an unruly emotion lay plain against his face. I shook my head letting a slight from take upon my lips. We weren't, not just yet. Perhaps no time soon either. At least not until the unsettling awkwardness between the both of us faded away. "Abhi nhi lekin.... Im planning to go see him. Not for getting together but for closure. A proper one this time." I mumble letting my mind run further the same direction.

I moved back into the silence of the room , grabbing the blanket I'd left against the living room couch snuggling against the seat. I clenched my hand, releasing the stress with a deep breath before clicking the set of numbers I knew by heart. "Can we meet?" I ask hastily, cutting through the soft of his 'hello'. "Uh..huh I mean-"

S - " Tomorrow? Cafe by my building? Kuch baat krni thi tumse"

"You don't have to ask Shehnaaz. Just text me the time and I'll be there." He answered momentarily. The few seconds in between leaving my heart in my throat. "Okay" I sighed not finding any other words.

Si - "Okay.."

"O-Okay" I whisper waiting to see if he'd hang up, the complete silence in the other side not seeming to be anything of such.

- leave some guesses of what y'all think is up next. ALSOOOOO... please please watch BBB3 if you haven't yet. Sidharth is simply exceptional, such a treat tO watch him on screen especially in such character. I absolutely love episode 7-10, he's shown such growth in character between those. Surreal truly❤️