My Confidate

Chapter 14

"Unki Galiyon Ki Hawa Har Dard Ki Dava Ban Gayi,
Doori Unse Meri Chaahat Ki Saza Ban Gayi,
Kaise Bhooloon Unhein Ek Pal Ke Liye,
Unki Yaad To Jeene Ki Vajah Ban Gayi"

"I never wanted that Shehnaaz. Not once. I didn't choose to leave. Believe me I- he paused, his face displaying an array of emotion. The silent tears running against his cheek an leaving me overwhelmed. "I couldn't bear being without you either.... that night- that night was anything but a preplanned goodbye. I meant every word I said-"

S - "Meaning it and standing by it are 2 different things Sidharth. You had 7 years to tell me, to get back to me, to simply give me a call and talk to me but you chose not to. You chose not to read what I wrote you. You chose not to look back at us once. You left me alone. Alone amongst all those people that expected me to behave the same As before. Alone amongst people who understood none of my turmoil. Alone amongst my own family. You chose that Sidharth and you don't get to deny that."

He stepped back to where I sat, letting his hands reach against my face. The background behind us fading away completely as he cupped it towards himself, letting our eyes meet yet again. "Then why are you choosing to put the both of us through the same again? Kyun jaa rahi hai chhod ke? I don't want you to leave. You don't have to leave.." he rasped his voice at the brink of breaking again. The lingering touch of his making me lean into him unwillingly, my eyes closed at the proximity he stood at. Being held by him seemingly taking away the words I'd come up with mere minutes before. "I do" I whisper, shivering as I pulled his hands off of my face. "You gave me your word. You filled me with hope and security. You told me things I needed to hear to take the chance and make the jump with you. You made me feel like I was worth it. That I was who you wanted to be there with you throughout everything. And then you shattered all of that. You couldn't take it anymore so you turned around and you left. You promised you wouldn't but you did. You left me and you gave up on me. So yes Sidharth I have to leave." I continued letting my eyes close as my hands fell to my sides. The overwhelmingness of the past 2 conversations of ours having shot through my chest completely.

"It really doesn't matter what I say does it?" He questioned making my steps halt. It did. It definitely did. More than I'd like it to, more than I'd thought it would. Much much more than I desired it would. "You want to know the worst part about being walked away on?" I revert ignoring the earlier remark of his. He stared back as I turned around, wiping away the remnants of tears against his cheek. The rough look reappearing much too quickly.

S - "It's hoping that they'll return, that they'll run back to you, that they'll tell you not to leave them, they'll ask you to stay or perhaps just mention that they need you too. All of what you just did... I would've raced back if you did any of this just a little earlier but I'm sorry I can't anymore. I can't...

I needed to know that I meant something... anything to you. But what I got was nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it's funny the things you realize when someone walks away. At first, you feel as though it's your fault. Feeling like nothing, so close to falling apart. And then, in time, you come to realization that it you did nothing wrong. That it's his loss, that perhaps I am much better without the boy that who didn't care enough to mention walking away so far out.

Sidharth :

"At least aaj mat jaa please?" I request running up behind her as she began to step down the stairs. She sighed, her breath shivery as she turned her hand in mine. "We need to go downstairs" she murmured freeing her hand from mine as she walked away, letting her hand wipe against her cheek.

I sat down against the stairs as she continued further into the venue, not looking back once to see if I'd follow. Sighing, I pull myself up, the constricting feeling from years back tearing through the rippled feeling of being broken yet again.

I smiled putting my arm around Maa as we moved into the car, the return from an height of emotions seeming fairly out of the picture right now. I looked back through the rearview mirror, spotting her swelled eyes self snugged into the corner of the back seat. The look on her face fairly void of anything in particular. I looked back to the road, pulling out of the venue completely, the rest of the lot fairly empty. The entire night playing repeatedly through my mind, the chaos, the excitement and the break too. The break that I knew I deserved. The break I should've seen coming through. The break that I'd given her much worse of.

"Ek minute rukegi please?" I request watching as Maa and Preeti Di moved into the flat. The hall completely empty but the both of us. She nodded slowing as we approached the same.

SI - "Jaana Pakka hi hai toh at least aaj mere saath chal le? Just one last time.. please?"

"I'm leaving right now.." she murmured fiddling with her hands, the glitter from her dress sparkling against her skin. "I'll drop you" I answer, blocking the doorknob as she reached for it.

"I don't think-"

"Please Shehnaaz" I coo letting my eyes meet hers, softening them as best as I could, hiding behind the turmoil I wanted to keep from letting out. She nodded stiffly, moving past me as hurriedly as she could. Not leaving behind any verbal response to decipher emotion from.